My heart hurts today… (TTC naturally with fertility issues)

Today has been a hard day, not bad, just hard. I knew from the moment i woke up that it was going to be one of those days. Ive done everything i can to distract myself from the feeling, cleaned the bathroom, done 3 loads of washing, washed my hair, been to the shops and even given the cats their flea treatment (neither of them are speaking to me now!) but i cant shake this feeling.

My heart hurts for the people i know who are having difficult pregnancies or who have new babies that aren’t so well. It happens to so many people, and yet its still not widely talked about and that makes me sad too.

Its one of those days when i really miss being pregnant, where id do anything to be pregnant again. I even spent yesterday pricing up private IVF here and in Athens. On days like these it hits me how hard this journey has been and still is. I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. I question if ill ever be pregnant again, and although i don’t regret my decision, i do wonder if Milo will be my only biological child. Despite how warm and sunny today is, i feel dark and cold, because all i can think about is trying to get pregnant…

Despite being told we only have a 1% chance of conceiving naturally, i find myself ‘trying’ most months. As hubby said to me recently, we have a 1 in 100 chance of falling naturally and we cant let go of this. We’ve been trying for 64 months, minus the 4 months i was pregnant, so only 40 more months until we get our natural miracle!!! There may have been months where i didn’t actively try but i always know where I’m up to in my cycle….i cant give myself a break!!

This month I’ve used my OPKs (ovulation predictor kit) and Preseed, i know there little to no chance of it working but i cant help but SS (symptom spot). Im only approx. 6dpo (days past ovulation) so there are no pregnancy symptoms to be spotted as it wont implant until around day 9 but here i am bloated, terrible skin, twinges around my ovaries etc. etc. i know i cannot trust these symptoms (see mother nature can be a b***h) but yet i google them to see if they could be pregnancy related. Its a vicious circle.

However, this month, something is different. All my usual post TFMR ovulation signs have disappeared, no funny smelling wee, or pain in my ovaries. Im simply relying on my OPK, which without temping, cannot be deemed reliable, so all i can do now is wait for AF (or not). Im hoping this change is another sign my body is returning to normal as i wasn’t as aware of ovulation before getting pregnant. Or I’ve not ovulated at all and I’m in for another super long cycle!

Hubby and i were talking the other day and both agreed, if we hadn’t got pregnant, we would’ve given up with IVF after our latest failed cycle, waited 6 months and gone down the adoption route. Its just that hard, physically and emotionally, but thats not the case and so we must press forward.
Despite my dalliance with private IVF, its not really do-able right now, we cant really afford it and we do need a mental break from it, even though its always on my mind, its just that tunnel seems to get longer and longer each day, our dream further and further away.

Tomorrow will be a better day.


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