the sensible side of my brain has been overrun…

Hello campers,

Im sorry its been a while since my last post. Those faux pregnancy symptoms have been at it again making me exhausted so I’ve not had chance to blog! Im coming to terms with my new normal i think, i just don’t trust those symptoms anymore!

However, i did have a glass or two of Rosé last night (very unlike me) and feel so bad i may have to use one of my cheap HPT (home pregnancy test) to prove to myself I’m not preggers and have nothing to feel guilt over! I know how ridiculous this sounds by the way, just in case you were thinking of calling the men in white coats!

This week has kinda been a tough one, lots of ladies on both the IVF boards and TTC after TFMR board on my forum have fallen pregnant recently and even though its been over 5 years, i still wish it was me as much as i did the first time i heard someone was pregnant after we started TTC.

Im limiting how much i expose myself to at the moment, sticking to a thread full of ladies in limbo on the IVF board i.e. Awaiting treatment, and only dipping in and out of the TTC after TFMR board. I genuinely am pleased for these ladies, especially the IVFers, but i cant help be a little jealous. Ive noticed of late I’m not just jealous of those with BFPs, but of those actually in a treatment cycle.

Its been nearly 4 weeks since our last attempt failed, not long in the grand scheme of things i know. But my word is it dragging!!! Waiting on this letter is torture and its only been 3 weeks (had to wait a week after AF showed before confirming my result with clinic, bloody stupid, but thems the rules)
Since the failure ive been playing with the idea of IVF abroad whilst we wait for the NHS to do its thing. Ive mentioned here before about the possibility of self funding.

Its still not overly viable in financial terms, it can be done but we’d be skint, and thats how i talked myself out if doing anything last weekend, why spend money when the NHS will do it for free….

BUT….the anniversary of finding out we were pregnant is coming up (7th November) and honestly, i don’t think I’m handling it all that well.
When i first joined the TFMR boards on my forum i quickly gleamed that the lead up to (and possibly the day itself) my EDD (estimated due date) would be really hard to cope with. Milo was due on 20/07/14 and i had him in March so it was a long wait. As it approached i realised that i wasn’t panicking or even thinking of a way to mark the day. Milo’s birthday is in March and id accepted that. It was a slightly remorseful day, dont get me wrong, should of been the start of a new adventure for me and hubby but we got through it ok, better than OK. We had a few texts and well wishes from people who were aware of when he was due, and to be honest the only reason i put a fb status up even mentioning him was because i didn’t want those people to think i was cold or hard hearted!

I think I’m feeling now, on the countdown to the anniversary of finding out i was pregnant, what many ladies feel on the countdown to their EDD. Im desperate to fix the wrongs of earlier this year, i was desperate to give hubby’s gran another great grandchild, but thats not going to happen now. Im desperate to prove to myself and everyone that i can grow a healthy baby, I’m desperate to give my husband the baby he deserves, I’m desperate to give my grandparents their first great grand child and our Mums their first grandchild and all the while I’m aware of a clock ticking, ageing my eggs day by day.

Im not a flippant person, i do weigh the pros and cons before making a decision and because self funding abroad has been on my mind nearly 4 weeks, i figured yesterday id take a step forward and contact some clinics.
My first choice was Serum in Greece, we’ve had dealings with them before when we had the hidden infection tests done last July and ladies on my forum swear by them so yesterday morning hubby and i completed their questionnaire giving our fertility history and asking for recommendations.

I was going to leave it at that until i noticed someone had mentioned there were no published results, which is true. Its hard to publish results as so many variables can affect outcome, weight, age, fertility problem etc. the list goes on and on, but it did make me think. So i had a little look around my forum and came across Team Miracle at Dogus, in Cyprus, who we also contacted yesterday.

From reading their websites, they both have very similar approaches. They are able to transfer more embryos as they are not as strictly governed as we are in the UK, they are more willing to try blood thinners, antibiotics etc, they both do ICSI, one as standard, one for no extra cost. The only big difference I’ve seen so far is that Team Miracle also arrange accommodation, transportation to and from appointments, a local PAYG mobile so they can contact you anytime and being Cyprus, they drive on the left! This for me is a big plus as i do experience high anxiety when abroad and having to use public transport etc. not great when stress can affect the outcome.

Just a few minutes ago, Serum responded to our questionnaire. Firstly they advise i come off Vitamin E as it has been linked to congenital heart defects like HLHS. This i did not know, i started on it to help improve lining thickness, I’ve explained this to Serum, and i did not take it during my pregnancy but I’m coming off it immediately as you can imagine, not worth the risk.
They acknowledge my lining is very thin and not ideal for a pregnancy so recommend antibiotics before, and during treatment and more if we were to fall pregnant. They would also use blood thinners and vaginal viagra to increase lining thickness.

None of this has been mentioned by my NHS UK clinic. None. Ive heard all the drug names before and even know what they do thanks to my amazing forum, but not once has anyone suggested this. Serum indicate i should request these steps from my current clinic but i honestly feel id be laughed at if i brought it up, thats not to say i wont of course.

Ive emailed Serum back to thank them and ask for a detailed treatment plan and costs if we were to cycle with them. Those additional drugs are going to push costs up, but as we can only self fund once, id be willing to give it all a go, if it results in my take home baby.

Now just waiting on Team Miracle so i can compare and make a decision. However, its clear my heart has won this battle over my ever so sensible brain!,

If you are interested;

Team Miracle



3 thoughts on “the sensible side of my brain has been overrun…

  1. Hi! I m glad to read that you have contacted clinic overseas I know that financially you would find it hard but at the moment you have something to focus on whilst you wait for that so important letter from the nhs.

    There are options and they seem to be giving you medical advise that you havent had before which can only be good.
    I am also finding it difficult on the ttc board at the moment. It has been a very green month and whilst I am pleased for everyone it just hits home that I dont have that BFP!
    I look forward to reading your blogs.



    1. Hey Sharon, yeah its been an interesting couple of days with lots of info but the more i know the better prepared i can be.

      I totally understand where youre at right now. We just have to hold on and hope we are next! Xxx


  2. I completely know where you are coming from. I am also finding the recent BFP’s hard, but the others on a cycle too. I want my next cycle….NOW!

    We are also thinking of going back to the clinic again, rather than the NHS, although money is a big issue.

    Isn’t it amazing how one clinic suggests all these treatments, and yet the NHS bypasses it. I think we are incredibly lucky to have the NHS, don’t get me wrong…but do we get the best advice?

    Good luck with the clinics, I really hope you can move forward with a plan that suits you both…and for me…the heart ALWAYS wins. We only live once. xx


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