Limboland….

Waiting, always waiting, thats how i feel at the moment.
Still waiting for letter from NHS clinic
Still waiting for protocol from Cyprus clinic
Waiting for AF to arrive but hopefully not too soon

I just feel in limbo at the moment. Ive chosen my hotel for Cyprus and i know when id like to fly but without a protocol or prescription I’m now stuck. I have a plan though and usually when i have a plan, i feel at ease.

However with all these loose ends, I’m fairly anxious, and my appetite is paying the price. Ive lost 4lbs in the last 10 days, no exercise, just anxiety. My eating has dropped to the bare minimum again, and i know i need to sort it.

I was 7st 5lbs when i got pregnant with Milo so i know that weight isn’t the deciding factor but id really like to be 8st this time.

Its also Baby Loss Awareness Week from 9th – 15th October, im glad there is an awareness week as the number of babies loss is staggering, and yet its still taboo. A friend has written a lovely piece about this on her blog inpursuitofarainbow.wordpress.com and id highly recommend a read.

Whats a little sad though, is its my birthday tomorrow, right in the middle of awareness week, its hard to enjoy getting another year older without my baby. This wasn’t the plan. I was meant to have my 1st at 26 and my 2nd at 28. Im meant to be a mummy by now. Over the years, I’ve learnt no plan ever goes the way you expect, but i honestly didn’t think id be sat here, the day before i turn 31, thinking i may never get to be a mummy again to my own biological child.

I cant help but wonder somedays, just what it is i did to deserve this. I try not to wallow often, its counterproductive, but seriously, after years of tests and treatments and needles and pain and delays after delays, when i got pregnant last November, i thought our time had come, that all the agony had been worth it because i was finally going to be a Mum, but apparently what i have endured, just isn’t enough! Not yet anyway.

You cant help but look around at the kids having kids, or people on drugs or addicted to booze having healthy kids, and wonder, why me?! What did i do wrong, during the treatment or before we started trying, did i inflict this on myself, and my angel? Of course i didn’t, so why? You can go round and round on this merry go round, always wondering what if, but it gets you no where, other than miserable, angry and bitter.

So i look forward, hoping that the thousands of pounds I’m about to spend will make our dreams come true, that we will have the baby that we are so ready for, but of course there are no guarantees…

Hopefully by the end of this week, ill be able to scrub at least one thing off the list above….please let it be that Cyprus gets in touch soon!

Oh and to add to all this, my body is playing mind games again, I’m CD14 and cramping a little, stupid body trying to trick me!

Xxx

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