Tears before it even began

Tears before it even began

Today is day 1 of stims. Ive been anxiously awaiting my alarm to go off all day so we could do the jab.

We’ve been watching Lost all over again and tonight just as the alarm for injecting went off, we had reached the final 10minutes of the final ever episode so we carried on watching until the end.

And then cried. A lot.

Once again grief came out of left field and floored us. I don’t know if its because we are putting ourselves through another fresh, because the anniversary of finding out we were pregnant is coming up or simply because the final twist in Lost just struck home a little too hard.

For me, the idea of waiting until all the people you love have died, before being able to move on, just really really upset me. Like Milo is stuck in some weird limbo and will be until we can join him, he’ll be there just aimlessly waiting for Mummy and Daddy. Oh no, i cant stand that. Im not even spiritual, certainly not religious, so i don’t even know why i think in these terms as in all honesty i know there is nothing after this.

Grief does this to you though, makes you apply filters you wouldn’t normally, you see meaning in the most benign things – for example, the yellow flowers the slugs ate in my garden, that i thought were dead, started flowering again this week, and i actually caught myself thinking, ‘hmmm, must be a good sign’! I mean how nuts is that? its blatantly down to the unseasonably warm weather we have been having, but here i am clutching at straws! Nutter!
In fairness the whole rainbow is still very much in flower so i shouldn’t be that surprised the yellow portion came back!

Anyway, time to start the ‘avoid OHSS’ diet, tonight – homemade lasagne with extra salt for me and curly kale, polished off with a complan! Im on my second and final cup of the day of raspberry leaf tea for my lining and I’m doing my upmost to drink as much as possible.

We are actually on the roller coaster now, going up the 1st hill….

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


2 thoughts on “Tears before it even began

  1. Hey Toni. I haven’t spoke to you on be tfmr boards in a while but just wanted you to know I am still following your journey to get you rainbow and have everything crossed for you that Cyprus is a success.

    Lots of love and baby dust



    Liked by 1 person

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