There are days when i hate this process

There are days when i hate this process

Or more, there are days when this process makes me feel like a failure, and i hate that.

Today is hard, i have one of these days every cycle, a day where i want to quit, where i cant do this. A day where i hate that i have to do this just to try and get pregnant, not get pregnant, just TRY and get pregnant.

I hate how much of a failure i feel because its illogical, i did nothing wrong, we just struggle to conceive, we haven’t failed. But i feel like a failure all the same.

I cant eat, and i need to, and the pressure of knowing i need to means i struggle even more.

Im miserable in myself, and cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. However as my amazing hubby said, the only way out, is through, so i just have to keep going.

Im truly grateful for this amazing man agreeing to stick by me these last 10 years, he picks me up when I’m down, never shuts me down, hugs me, waits on me hand on foot, when I’m just a bag of hormones barking at him one second and then apologising the next.

A big shout out to the partners of us ladies going through IVF, they suffer the mood swings, hormonal rants, random tears and general ill feeling of their partners, quietly, happily and without congratulation. Big up to them!

I returned to work today after a weeks holiday, and people asked me if I’m excited about Cyprus and IVF…i couldn’t answer, i don’t know how i feel about it all…its not a holiday, more a trip for medical reasons. I imagine it’ll be like the Dominican, lovely in every way but we just wont be able to enjoy it. I know this is our best chance of a take home baby and that scares the hell out of me. If this doesn’t work, what will? Is it time to give up after this? Move onto other ideas, adoption, double donor?

What if my eggs aren’t viable, what if the Stims don’t work, what if i get poorly from OHSS and have to freeze all, how will we get to transfer? We are using all available resources to pay for this, we cant afford a return trip, it’d be the same at a private clinic in the UK, we wouldn’t be able to afford an FET cycle.

Im a massive control freak and really all this out of my control, the only thing i can do is eat and drink and right now with anxiety levels through the roof even thats impossible.

Also how is it I’ve drank nearly 3 litres of water today and have a headache?!

On the plus side, we have figured a way to open those damn glass vials, or ampules, thanks to youtube

My nurse friend did give me another trick, but we must’ve done it wrong, because it didn’t work! It actually did make the day brighter, not having to struggle for 10 minutes opening 3 ampules, released some anxiety and got the process of jabbing out of the way much faster.

Another positive, the coconut water isn’t half bad, be better with rum in it like we had in the Dominican, but all in all i cant complain and hopefully the electrolytes will do their thing!

Wish i could go to sleep until egg transfer day….

love, Little Miss PMA (or not so much today) xxx


8 thoughts on “There are days when i hate this process

  1. I’m loving reading your blog. Can identify with so much of what you say. I just read the bit about yr husband to my husband as that’s exactly like I feel about him, he’s my rock. I get the failure thing as well, even though we are unexplained I still often feel like its my fault and I’m letting everyone down x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Toni
    So sorry you are having a bad day, you are always so positive and so it’s totally understandable. Lucky you have mr Toni (my phone keeps correcting his name to martini ha ha) to lean on….
    I am keeping everything crossed that this works for you.
    As for the headache, maybe too much water? Just a thought as its happened to me before and that was why.
    Know that we’re all behind you, sending love and positive vibes even when you’re feeling down.
    Xxx debs (debba3)

    Liked by 1 person

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