Its not been easy, i have to be honest

The last 2 days have been horrific. Ive been miserable and so so anxious about the things i should be doing, but haven’t been able to.

I so wanted to eat all the right things, but of course anorexia has put a stop to that. I have been managing to drink plenty but over the last couple of days I’ve managed to convince myself its all over before we even get to Cyprus.

I haven’t slept as i have been playing everything out to the n’th degree; what if i haven’t stimmed? What if my egg quality is so poor they cant be used? What if hubby’s sample is too poor to use? What if i get OHSS and transfer cant be done? Of course none of this is likely to happen but my brain does like to mess with me. We are having ICSI to combat hubby’s gay sperm issue, so that really shouldn’t worry me!!!

Honestly its been awful. I thought having been through this once, id be more prepared and less worried. Wrong. I know too much and its terrifying, not to mention what happens if i do actually achieve a BFP….whole new set of worries then. Will baby be healthy? Will i get past 21 weeks this time? How can i go through another TFMR? Im so desperate for this to work and not let anyone down. The pressure is immense. And its all coming from ME!!!!!!!

Thankfully i have some wonderful friends, both in real life and on babycentre who have helped me loads in the last 24 hours. My BC friends have given me hints and tips on how to achieve the required amount of protein without over facing myself at meal times, told me that no one will be let down if this cycle doesn’t work, that all my fears regarding a new pregnancy are to be expected, to trust my clinic as they are well known and highly recommended.

My real life friends have let me rant about how hard all this is and reminded me that there are other ways to become a Mummy, IF this doesn’t work, but that i have every chance because i have been pregnant before. They have been firm with me and thats what i need, someone to essentially slap the madness out of me (figuratively not literally!!!).

I thought i was strong but i have felt so weak over the last 2 days. However, I’m pulling it back and feeling better about things today. I slept better last night and i really needed it. Ive let myself off the hook about eating, I’m doing my best and theres nothing more i can do than that.

Hubby has been amaze-balls as usual, despite currently suffering from a sickness bug, he has tried to reassure me and comfort me best he can. Didn’t cook a big meal last night which meant i actually finished what i was given, which gave me a boost.

I have massive respect for those ladies going through more than 1 fresh.

You know how women forget the pain of child birth (i haven’t yet btw)? well i think i forgot how bloody hard doing a fresh cycle of IVF is. Not so much the jabs etc but the emotions and worries, i so wish i was naive like i was on my first cycle. A BC friend said today, wouldn’t it be good if we could get one of those flashy things from Men in Black and just erase our memories so each cycle feels like the first. She’s right, it would be, but she’s also right when she says that with each attempt we learn a little bit more and to forget that knowledge would be bad because each attempt takes us closer to our THB (Take home baby).

So today i have made the effort not to drive myself mad, overthinking things. Its going to be business as usual from now on.

Some positives though….we have now mastered opening the ampules, I’m half a stone heavier than i was when i did a fresh back in May 2012, I’ve never had a protocol so tailored to my needs before, I’m going to a clinic who do ICSI all day every day, Ive been told the chance of a repeat heart issue (any issue, not just HLHS) is 1% but i will be more closely monitored this time round, my hall stairs and landing will be decorated by the time i get home as will our bedroom, I’m getting out of this awful UK weather for 10 days, and when i return i WILL be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise).

These are the things i will focus on, not what i cant do, but what i have done and what i will do.

Adding in cetrotide tonight which seems to be much easier to mix and administer and brings us ever so slightly closer to egg collection. Only 2 more sleeps until we fly….and everyone says i must treat it as a holiday…

So 2 more sleeps until I’m on my jollies!

love, Little Miss PMA xxx


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