Not sure what to do with myself….

Not sure what to do with myself….

So quick update on symptoms….
The vivid dreams over the last week have gone from anxiety to supposed guilt. In one, my baby was face down in the bath for a number of seconds before i noticed….typical anxiety. In another, Milo was present as a living doll….if you’ve watched ‘The Leftovers’ you’ll know what i mean, that was pretty messed up to be honest, especially as i feel no guilt whatsoever over my decision, so not sure what my subconscious is up to there.
Ive also had ‘normal’ dreams following triggers in my own life, I’ve been in Australia for a couple of nights which was nice, until i ended up arguing with a friend i no longer talk too!
Im still exhausted but struggling with insomnia at the same time, which at times is making me quite miserable.
My appetite is still through the roof, which I’m enjoying immensely, I’ve now tipped 8st 2lbs on the scales, so quite the jump in one week! Ive no particular cravings really, i just need to constantly graze! I talk food a lot with my pregnant friend, which usually means we both end up starving and have to have a snack!
For 6 weeks 4 days (6+4) I’m fairly, well, rotund, in the afternoon and my boobs are growing weekly, wont be long until I’m back in maternity clothes, ill be lucky to make christmas in my regular stuff!

With regards to the early scan, i heard from the bereavement team last week and they have been busy working to get things sorted. Im assured i will have a scan before christmas, even if i don’t meet with the consultant until after christmas. They have booked me an appointment with my GP to get a referral to the consultant in order to start my enhanced care. They are a good bunch my bereavement team and I’m very lucky to have them support me.

Oh and still no letter from NHS IVF clinic…..just in case you were wondering?!

So, on to the main point of my post, not being sure where i fit. What i mean is, i don’t seem to be feeling what i ought to be feeling….
As a bereaved parent, my rainbow pregnancy should be terrifying, but i don’t seem to feel that way, I’m quite optimistic mostly. We have a 1% chance of a heart defect, any heart defect, not just what Milo had, and as my Granddad said, “ill take those odds”. It does mean we are high risk, hence the enhanced care, but I’m seeing this a good thing, more scans, means more bonding, extra care means being more informed and having a better of idea of what is happening. I genuinely am quite relaxed. The ladies on the TFMR Rainbows board on my forum have welcomed me with open arms, and seem to be following my lead with regards to my positive attitude which is fantastic. I just hope i can be as supportive to them even though I’m not experiencing the same anxieties and feelings they are. Well not yet, anyway.

As this is my second pregnancy, I’m no where near as anxious as i was first time round, and feel its my responsibility to use my experience to reassure those around me who are going through their first pregnancy. This isn’t always possible of course, as the fears of early pregnancy are very real and until those early scans (I’m only really talking to fellow IVFers) the brain can play all sorts of tricks on a mum to be. But i try my best to reassure and remain positive for these ladies on my forum. Sadly not everyone in my position feels this way, and I’ve been witness to some very scary stories of late, with no thought given to how this may affect 1st timers, or even people less far along in their pregnancy, including me. There has been a lot of talk of miscarriage and missed miscarriage, lack of symptoms, the list goes on. Its terrifying, but all consuming, meaning people forget how scary this can be for people reading along. Ive stepped away from one source, but of course in these early stages, it can be everywhere. Ive tried to be positive for these ladies and myself, reassuring them as best i can, but some people cannot be reassured, or do not want to be reassured.
Ive told my story, how i was sooooo anxious in my last pregnancy that i only really enjoyed it for 4 weeks before being given the devastating diagnosis and going through the WORST experience expectant parents can go through. I tell this story as i hope people will try to do what i am doing – enjoy every single day, because we don’t know how long we have, and honestly, worrying everyday about the what if’s and what could be’s really will make no difference to the end result.
My attitude is why waste a moment worrying, when i could be enjoying, eternally grateful for this second chance?

Is my attitude wrong? Am i in denial? I don’t know, but I’m happy, my husband is happy, our families are happy, and that is the most amazing thing in the world. Just before christmas too, it couldn’t be more perfect. Having said all this, my PMA can be quite lonely at times, it can be hard to be excited when you fear upsetting others around you, I’ve had to ‘edit’ myself quite often, PMA isn’t always appreciated. But at the same time I’ve noticed my patience with undue negativity is at an all time low, so perhaps the balance is being restored there?

My heart goes out to all of you still trying to make your baby. Never give up, the road is long and hard, but you will get there. Remain positive if you can, i honestly feel it helped us get to this point.

Im not trying to say that I’m better than anyone else, that my way of coping is the only way of coping, and of course I’ve had my dark days, just read some of my previous posts. Pregnancy truly is a blessing though, and i treat it as such. The journey, in its own way, has shaped me, made me who i am, despite all the misery we have experienced, we are still here, still breathing, more positive than I’ve ever been. Im still a realist, but now, i see the good where before i just saw the bad.

Anyway, time to eat!!!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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8 thoughts on “Not sure what to do with myself….

  1. Try not to feel bad about being positive when others aren´t or are unable to be. Enjoy every day, every moment as you say you never know what life has prepared for us. You deserve to be happy, dont feel guilty about being happy. There are some people that “survive” on being negative and not just with their own lives. Live and let live has been my motto for some years now.
    Dont just treasure every good moment, make more happy moments that way your life becomes richer!!!
    Enjoy your day off sweetie xxx

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  2. PMA welcome my way any time. I agree with you…if we are given a chance, we should take it with both hands and enjoy it… it may not be around forever, but we need to live each day with everything we have.

    I am ridiculously pleased for you, and wonder every day how you are doing. Stay happy hun, you deserve every second. xxx

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    1. Ahhh thanks so much lovely!! Im sure we will soon be celebrating happy news for you! I just think after my last pregnancy i so want to enjoy this one, as you never know do you?
      Stay positive lovely lady, i know i will for you xxx

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  3. No, I don’t think your attitude is wrong or you’re in denial at all! I think it’s great that you’re feeling so positive. You should bottle that and sell it. 🙂 I think everyone copes in a different way, and your friends on the boards probably are being negative about their own situations as a defense mechanism. And I also think it’s totally fine your you to distance yourself from them if you don’t want the negativity right now. You gotta do what you gotta do to get through this pregnancy!

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    1. Thank you lovely! I am staying in my happy bubble for now, its lovely as i remember how anxious i was 1st time (as i expect everyone is, except i took it too far and wouldnt believe it until 16 weeks!) . I am keen for my scan now though as want to know how many there are.

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  4. Love your PMA. I spent the 4 weeks between testing an miscarrying my rainbow full of worry and anxiety and not wanting to even think about being pregnant. It didnt end well but if (when) I am lucky enough to fall pregnant with my next rainbow I will definitely be taking a leaf out of your book and enjoying every second of it as much as I can. Can’t wait to hear news if your scan too. Keeping you and mr Toni and your little litter in my thoughts. Xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh hun, that cant have been nice for you. I hate being anxious its such an uncontrolable emotion! I know you WILL have another rainbow lovely and when you do just take each day as it comes, and enjoy it as much as possible. I still have wobbles and worries but they are fleeting xxx

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