The christmas period has been and gone and I’m left reflecting over it all.
When last i left you, i was visiting the GP because of my weird ear thing, turns out i have developed vertigo! Didn’t actually realise you could get it just walking around, but there we are!!
I was given some meds to help stabilise it, and panic set in. What if taking the meds could cause another defect to my rainbow bean….
I didn’t think i would worry over such a thing, but clearly, I’m more worried than I’ve been letting on. I sought reassurance from a few groups of people, but no one really understood where i was coming from. However, the symptoms became unmanageable so i had no choice but to follow the instructions and hope for the best. This has led to 2 days off work as i was unable to move my head without feeling dizzy and unsteady.
Christmas day arrived, I’m usually a bit of a kid, i love presents and hubby usually gets me loads to open. This year was different, we spent our pennies on everyone else, we didn’t get each other gifts. We have the rainbow baby(ies) on board and that seemed the best excuse not to buy anything. Honestly though, i just couldn’t think of anything i wanted more than Milo.
Im outwardly very positive, but as christmas approached, I’ve missed my little boy a lot. I haven’t been able to help myself but think of what could of been. A luxury i normally do not allow myself. He’d of been 5 months now, and of course would have no idea of what was happening, but i think he would of liked the twinkly lights, and we could have dressed him as a christmas pudding to delight the family…..
Instead we spent the day with my in-laws, Milo wasn’t mentioned and the new baby avoided….i think this was an attempt as to not to upset us or spoil the festive mood, in their own way they were being kind, i know that, but i have been feeling lately that many people have forgotten the hell we went through just 9 short months ago, and this compounded that. Conversely, i read on my forum about a lady who’s mother in law had brought up their angel grandchild and talked of how they missed her, I’m ashamed to say it, but i was jealous, i wish my extended family had made mention of my angel, as he was all of ours. Not just mine and hubby’s.
My Mum, on the other hand, has learnt to follow my lead and so we talk of little Milo quite openly and as we spent christmas night with her, we were able to think of him without restriction. She is also quite excited for the new pregnancy, despite my pleas for her to curb her enthusiasm just now. Im not ready to make plans, and won’t be until we get the all clear at the 20 week scan.
This is not me being negative, its just protection, my brain will not allow me to think more than a week ahead. My TFMR Rainbow Mummies will understand this reaction all too well as will any rainbow mummy reading i imagine.
My friends that are currently pregnant with me, and others around me all talk of how different next christmas will be, i smile and nod, but i remember saying all of this last christmas, I’m not ready to believe just yet. We haven’t even had the early scan, never mind the fact that it’ll be another 12 weeks before we know for sure whether we have a healthy kidney bean (baby’s size at current gestation) on board. So for now i ask that we don’t plan for the future, but take each day as it comes, enjoy the moment, because we don’t know how many we have.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx