Turkey, tinsel and a tinge of sadness

Turkey, tinsel and a tinge of sadness

The christmas period has been and gone and I’m left reflecting over it all.

When last i left you, i was visiting the GP because of my weird ear thing, turns out i have developed vertigo! Didn’t actually realise you could get it just walking around, but there we are!!
I was given some meds to help stabilise it, and panic set in. What if taking the meds could cause another defect to my rainbow bean….

I didn’t think i would worry over such a thing, but clearly, I’m more worried than I’ve been letting on. I sought reassurance from a few groups of people, but no one really understood where i was coming from. However, the symptoms became unmanageable so i had no choice but to follow the instructions and hope for the best. This has led to 2 days off work as i was unable to move my head without feeling dizzy and unsteady.

Christmas day arrived, I’m usually a bit of a kid, i love presents and hubby usually gets me loads to open. This year was different, we spent our pennies on everyone else, we didn’t get each other gifts. We have the rainbow baby(ies) on board and that seemed the best excuse not to buy anything. Honestly though, i just couldn’t think of anything i wanted more than Milo.

Im outwardly very positive, but as christmas approached, I’ve missed my little boy a lot. I haven’t been able to help myself but think of what could of been. A luxury i normally do not allow myself. He’d of been 5 months now, and of course would have no idea of what was happening, but i think he would of liked the twinkly lights, and we could have dressed him as a christmas pudding to delight the family…..

Instead we spent the day with my in-laws, Milo wasn’t mentioned and the new baby avoided….i think this was an attempt as to not to upset us or spoil the festive mood, in their own way they were being kind, i know that, but i have been feeling lately that many people have forgotten the hell we went through just 9 short months ago, and this compounded that. Conversely, i read on my forum about a lady who’s mother in law had brought up their angel grandchild and talked of how they missed her, I’m ashamed to say it, but i was jealous, i wish my extended family had made mention of my angel, as he was all of ours. Not just mine and hubby’s.

My Mum, on the other hand, has learnt to follow my lead and so we talk of little Milo quite openly and as we spent christmas night with her, we were able to think of him without restriction. She is also quite excited for the new pregnancy, despite my pleas for her to curb her enthusiasm just now. Im not ready to make plans, and won’t be until we get the all clear at the 20 week scan.
This is not me being negative, its just protection, my brain will not allow me to think more than a week ahead. My TFMR Rainbow Mummies will understand this reaction all too well as will any rainbow mummy reading i imagine.
My friends that are currently pregnant with me, and others around me all talk of how different next christmas will be, i smile and nod, but i remember saying all of this last christmas, I’m not ready to believe just yet. We haven’t even had the early scan, never mind the fact that it’ll be another 12 weeks before we know for sure whether we have a healthy kidney bean (baby’s size at current gestation) on board. So for now i ask that we don’t plan for the future, but take each day as it comes, enjoy the moment, because we don’t know how many we have.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


6 thoughts on “Turkey, tinsel and a tinge of sadness

  1. Hun, I am sure all you are feeling is normal. It is lovely that you were able to talk about Milo with your mum. I think sometimes it is good to talk about things, even if they are sad. After all, Milo was your baby, a son, a grandson.

    I can understand your worries about the baby/babies you are carrying now. You know how anxious I am, and I have no experience of the heartache and pain you have endured. However, I have every faith that this pregnancy will allow you to bring home your baby/babies and in years to come, you will be telling them all about your beautiful Milo.

    I hope you are feeling better. xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you lovely, youre always so kind with your words.
      It helps to blog, i feel a release and able to move on once its out.
      Im mostly very positive about the rainbows but the last few days have been more difficult than expected.
      I hope your worries are eased soon, ill be there with you every step, but the worry never stops! Xxx


  2. People avoid talking about Andrew with me too but I wouldn’t mind talking about him or his birth. I would even show them a picture if they asked. You are doing so well Toni. I hope these weeks fly by for you.
    P.s did you get the message I sent you on bc?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Havent seen anything hun?
      I do talk to my mum about him and a friend asked to see his photos after reading this post! So i shouldnt really complain. Its just been tough this holiday season as i know you will understand xx


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