It started and ended with such promise, with a whole mess of crap in between.
This time last year, hubby and i were so blissfully happy, and remained that way for a good 9 weeks, we enjoyed watching my expanding bump grow and talking of our future. Buying little bits for baby each weekend, my clever ploy for not ending up skint or panic buying nearer the due date. So blissfully unaware of what was about to happen….
My last bump picture at 20 weeks pregnant with Milo. He was born a week and 4 days later.
The following few months were crap, there is no getting away from this, it was horrific. We didn’t think we would survive it, that the pain would kill us. It seemed never ending, that we would be in that black hole for the rest of time.
2014 had let us down, it was meant to be our year but everything changed in a day and we couldn’t wait for this terrible year to end.
Slowly the dark turned to light, and what emerged was a new me, a brighter, more positive me. Never in those early days did i think id be a better, more positive person after saying goodbye to my first born, never. But during those dark days, i vowed not to let them define me, and that thought has never left me.
It started slow but after 6 months i was me again, its a cliché but time is a great healer. Ill never be whole again, but i can look forward.
Look forward i did, another round of IVF failed, but we kept fighting, and in October, made one of the best decisions of the year, if not our lives. We decided to go to Team Miracle in Cyprus. What followed was the best IVF experience of our 5.5 year trying to conceive journey!
Not only was it a fantastic experience but on our 7th wedding anniversary, we were blessed with 2 lines on a pregnancy test again. Our second chance.
The last 7 weeks of 2014 have been happy ones. Sure, i miss the naivety of a first time pregnancy, wish i could look more than a week ahead, and plan those big purchases, but my brain is in protection mode, and i am thankful for that.
I am truly positive that I’m carrying our take home baby(ies) and I’m so looking forward to our not so early scan on Monday. I have no doubt there will be at least one heartbeat, if not more. Im still a realist though and know that we have a long way to go before i can buy things, or truly look forward to having a living baby placed in my arms. And thats OK. Im not sad or negative, just managing expectations. Do not feel sorry for us, or wish it could be different, theres no need. This year has been an incredible learning curve, and as much as i wish Milo was with us, if this year hadn’t have happened, I’d be a different person, i truly like who i am now, and its all down to my journey.
So as i said on Facebook last night….
Good, bad, horrendous, character building, inspiring, life changing.
These words sum up my 2014. I hope 2015 is less horrendous but other than that, if i used all the same words again on 31st December 2015 I’d count myself lucky.
So here’s to 2015, make of it what you will.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx