Muddle through if you can….

Muddle through if you can….

Disjointed. Discombobulated. Muddled. Thats how I’ve felt this week. I cant quite put my finger on it but I’m just not feeling ‘right’. As such i fear this post will be the same, a muddle, not making much sense and all over the place.

There is a trend among IVF mummies that we must not complain. Ever. We have wished, longed and waited a life time for this, so we must embrace every ache, pain, bout of nausea, bloat, mood swing, and spot, with good grace, whilst our ‘natural’ counterparts can moan as much as they like.

The first 3 months of pregnancy are HARD and i say, as IVF mummies we have every right to complain, as isn’t that what the beginning of pregnancy is about, feeling awful and worrying? So why cant we join in?
Ive had it relatively easy, no sickness (makes a change from my non pregnant life where I’m sick daily), only nauseated when hungry, and no bleeding. But there are some things that are getting me down….
I’m bloated ALL the time, i look 6 months gone, sometimes its so painful i struggle to sleep. Im taking Deflatine on these days as no point suffering when i don’t have to.
My face is greasy, no matter what cleansing routine i use, as its due to hormones. I’m sick of spending my mornings covering spots up and feeling like I’ve put my face in a vat of oil 20 minutes later! But ho hum, i should enjoy this, no? NO!!
Im tired for no reason whatsoever, i spent yesterday on the sofa, binge watching on Netflix, yet this morning, i felt like I’d been hit with a lorry, to the point where it took me 3 hours to get up! I dread my work days as i know when i wake up i could sleep for another 3 hours, but i should embrace this joy of pregnancy shouldn’t i?! Urm no, i do have a life to be getting on with…
I am enjoying eating, as I’m not in pain for the first (second technically, but you get my point) time in 10 years, but then i feel guilty about what I eat, as its basically carbs, carbs, oh and more carbs. My body has changed so rapidly, which honestly doesn’t bother me until i read I’m only meant to have put on 5lbs in this trimester (seriously?!). So far I’m 11lbs over this recommendation, weighing in today at 8st 11.5lbs (up from 7st 9lbs upon my return from Cyprus, is that maths right? Not sure, hope so). I don’t mind the body changes, or rather wont mind them when my bump comes in, at the moment, when I’m not bloated for Britain, i just have a jelly belly, massive boobs and hips like I’ve never expected…buts thats pregnancy right, and its what I’ve been dreaming of? Urm, not really, i wanted a nice, neat but large bump, in my 2nd trimester, thanks. I felt so bad about eating rubbish that i instructed hubby to get me some bananas, i had one yesterday, followed by a Snickers bar and some Hula Hoops! Oops!!

My hormones have turned me into a blubbering mess…I’m not a crier, I’m quite hard faced really, and quite proud of it, it seems. But now….ugh, i fill up at the slightest thing. For example, I’ve resisted the current trend of adoring Ed Sheeran, i just didn’t ‘get it’ but over the last few weeks I’ve found myself singing along to his latest singles. Now, i have a rule, if i like 3 songs from an album, ill buy it, which i did last weekend, and fell in love with it. Damn it. Driving to work Tuesday, listening to it, cried at not one, but 2 of the songs. Proper full on sobbing, tears rolling down my cheeks, crying. Had to dry my face before going to work due to the shame. Utterly ridiculous. Then, i watched Armageddon with hubby the other night, silently crying at the end (which I’ve NEVER done before). I admitted this to hubby the next morning, who was like ‘yeah i know’ – cringe!!! On the plus side, if there is one, hubby enjoys the new emotional me, i told him of my crying to Ed Sheeran and explained that its because i listen as though its me and him and that is where the emotion comes from, he practically grinned his head off, his robot wife (my words, not his) admitting she is human? My word, never thought he’d see the day! See, I’m not a romantic, don’t go in for public displays of affection and very rarely volunteer those 3 words (I. Love. You) and here i am crying and telling him romantic songs (and one about Alzheimers) are making me cry. He’s full out admitted he loves this side of me, I’ve told him to enjoy it whilst he can as i very much hope to return to normal post pregnancy….i suspect i wont though and i do love him madly, more so now than ever actually. Jeez, there i go again, please ignore all sentiment in that last sentence!
Oh and I’m sick of my mouth tasting like blood and having to walk round with mints about my person at all times, its stupid. My gums bleed every time i brush and as soon as i get my maternity exemption card I’ll check its nothing more than the thin blood causing it, but boy, i hate the taste of copper!!!

I had a wobble this week, i seriously thought i may have suffered a missed miscarriage (where baby has died but you don’t bleed) i had no reason to suspect this but i did anyway. I wasn’t brave enough to get the doppler out so just spent 2 days worrying about it. I did eventually get the doppler out and found baby fairly easily hiding near my left hip. The thrill i got from listening to Milo’s heart was immense, i grinned from ear to ear, each and every time. Not so this time, i find it a chore mostly, although do get reassurance that baby is at least alive. Sadly though, i know from experience that it doesn’t really mean anything, hence it should never be used a diagnostic tool. I want to feel the joy i did last time, to be connected to this baby, but its just not happening yet. Im hoping that if we have a good heart scan in February (i now have dates for all four of my scans) I’ll start to feel the thrill from the doppler again, until movement kicks in of course, which i am wishing for a lot at the moment. Best part of pregnancy as far as I’m concerned.
Still though, i can’t see being pregnant past March. Getting pregnant the same month i did with Milo did quash my building anxiety about approaching the anniversary of finding out i was pregnant but of course has meant that everything important happens in the same months it did before. My second heart scan and anomaly scan are booked for March, just 4 days after Milo’s birthday, its going to be very very odd being back there at that time. I try not think about it but when i do allow myself forward thinking, i just cannot see past March, cannot see me carrying a massive bump around in the summer, going on Maternity Leave, lunching with my pregnant friends, it just doesn’t seem like an option yet…fingers crossed this will change.

My 12 week scan and booking appointment are next Monday. Ill be glad to get my notes, to feel like this pregnancy is actually official, but I’ve started worrying about the scan. I had no cares in the world at Milo’s 12 week scan, wasn’t worried when he just showed his ass so the sonographer couldn’t do the measurements for the Downs Syndrome risk factor. This time I’m terrified they will find something wrong. Its natural, i know, the other Rainbow Mummies have assured me of this, but for the anxiety to start 10 days in advance is hard going, and it’ll only get worse.

Now then, for some positives…
Ive managed to book a long weekend from work once a month until April with the first being this weekend, huzzah, only 3 days in, lie in on Friday!
I think i can finally dye my hair as ill turn 12 weeks on Wednesday. I found out last pregnancy that before 12 weeks the dye burnt my head so I’ve put it off but my roots are now down to my ears and it needs to be done!
Ive weaned off the progesterone pessaries and oestrogen tablets, so now I’m just injecting blood thinners (stop in 30 days) and taking Aspirin along with my prenatal vitamins, its nice not having alarms go off every 4 hours!
I started typing this feeling pretty low but feel much better now, i have jabbed at the iPad more forcefully than necessary but it was cathartic and thats why i started this in the first place!

Ive finished jabbering now, read it back and it is all over but so was/is my mind so ill leave it there

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


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