The day after the day before…

So today hasnt been a great day. Ive cried a few times, felt pretty sorry for myself if i’m honest, i am trying so hard to focus on the positives but i keep flashing back to March 2014.

I had a call today from the midwife i was booked in by yesterday. Im now having another scan next week in fetal medicine, to check for any further abnormalities.

She asked me if i knew where fetal medicine was…ha, yeah like i could forget. It does feel like i am reliving my worst nightmare.

I want to be so much stronger but i cant help but feel that im not destined to have babies of my own and that breaks my heart. All ive dreamed of since i was 9 was having a baby and both pregnancies have been nothing like i imagined.

There are glimmers of hope…success stories of babies with higher NT measurements being born healthy. The 70% chance that this baby will be OK. I try so hard to remember these facts.

When i think of my baby wriggling on the screen yesterday it breaks my heart that i might not bring them home. I cant keep being pregnant and having no crying baby keeping me awake at night!

Im so ready to be a Mum, so aware of what im letting myself in for, i just hope that this nightmare turns out to be nothing but a bad dream.

I can but hope that next week shows no further abnormalities. They have scheduled time for me to have a CVS too if i want it. This is when a needle is put through my abdomen through to the placenta and cells are extracted for analysis. Its the only way to get a yes or no as to whether baby has chromosomal abnormalities but it carries a 2% risk of miscarriage.

I just cant bring myself to do it.

I have looked into the Nifty Test. It cannot give a yes or no but can give a much more accurate risk factor than the NHS tests. Basically if the Nifty comes back high risk, you have a problem.

The plan is to await NHS risk factor and if its high, proceed to Nifty and see what they say.

In the mean time im just taking one day at a time, staying busy at work, remembering its OK to be crushed whilst also focusing on the positives listed above.

Keep fingers crossed for us, we need all your good luck and positive vibes.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


21 thoughts on “The day after the day before…

  1. My OB doesnt do the NT but he does the quad. I asked him about it today and he says he doesnt like scaring women with the NT when the quad is so much more definitive. He says when you get a bad NT result and you have to wait so long for the quad its very hard on you. This totally makes sense to me and makes me wonder why doctors arent dropping the NT test more when we have more accurate measures.

    Anyway, im very hopeful things turn out okay for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Toni, just cannot believe you are going through this, but hoping and praying and crossing everything possible that everything is going to be ok. I love what your Grandad said. Big hugs. Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hes a funny bloke my grandad! Soon the PMA will return and ill be able to see the positives more clearly
      At least we are being seen quickly and bloods are being fast tracked. I think it was just sinking in today xxx


  3. I’m glad things are moving quickly, at least you will have some answers soon and , as you say, I’m hoping this is just a bad dream. Everything crossed for you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. To my beautiful friend the mighty t and magnificent t

    All of my heart is with you this morning what trivialities lie ahead of any of us today we should stop – send all our love to you and your journey.

    Simply love and hugs

    P x

    Liked by 2 people

  5. We have absolutely everything crossed for you here in Wales. I cannot begin to imagine how hard this is for you both, and I am angry that life can be this cruel to put you through this hurt, worry and anxiety all over again….however hold on to that 70%. I have every faith you will be bringing home your baby this time hun. Xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Im holding on tight to that 70%. Ive been angry, sad, desperate, and ive landed on hopeful.
      I still cant get my head round how bad my luck is when it comes to growing humans but so far nothing is set in stone and im reminding myself of that hourly. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts xxx


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