So today hasnt been a great day. Ive cried a few times, felt pretty sorry for myself if i’m honest, i am trying so hard to focus on the positives but i keep flashing back to March 2014.
I had a call today from the midwife i was booked in by yesterday. Im now having another scan next week in fetal medicine, to check for any further abnormalities.
She asked me if i knew where fetal medicine was…ha, yeah like i could forget. It does feel like i am reliving my worst nightmare.
I want to be so much stronger but i cant help but feel that im not destined to have babies of my own and that breaks my heart. All ive dreamed of since i was 9 was having a baby and both pregnancies have been nothing like i imagined.
There are glimmers of hope…success stories of babies with higher NT measurements being born healthy. The 70% chance that this baby will be OK. I try so hard to remember these facts.
When i think of my baby wriggling on the screen yesterday it breaks my heart that i might not bring them home. I cant keep being pregnant and having no crying baby keeping me awake at night!
Im so ready to be a Mum, so aware of what im letting myself in for, i just hope that this nightmare turns out to be nothing but a bad dream.
I can but hope that next week shows no further abnormalities. They have scheduled time for me to have a CVS too if i want it. This is when a needle is put through my abdomen through to the placenta and cells are extracted for analysis. Its the only way to get a yes or no as to whether baby has chromosomal abnormalities but it carries a 2% risk of miscarriage.
I just cant bring myself to do it.
I have looked into the Nifty Test. It cannot give a yes or no but can give a much more accurate risk factor than the NHS tests. Basically if the Nifty comes back high risk, you have a problem.
The plan is to await NHS risk factor and if its high, proceed to Nifty and see what they say.
In the mean time im just taking one day at a time, staying busy at work, remembering its OK to be crushed whilst also focusing on the positives listed above.
Keep fingers crossed for us, we need all your good luck and positive vibes.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx