Realisations

Realisations

This week has been WEIRD.

After the scan Monday, i struggled Tuesday to get my head round how all this could be happening to us, especially after Milo.

However as the week progressed I’ve become more positive. So far we haven’t been told anything that is life threatening to baby, so far nothing is incompatible with life, so far its all risk factors and possibilities.

Today was D-Day and the results of the combined screening for Down Syndrome came back….

1 in 11 chance this baby will have Down Syndrome.

F**k, was my 1st thought, not because I’m not prepared to have a baby with downs, but more because i was hoping for higher after comparing stories and NT measurements with friends and on my forum.

I rang hubby who immediately lifted my spirits by pointing out that on Monday we were told we had a 1 in 5 chance of a chromosome issue, I’m not sure if thats just downs, or other syndromes too, but hell, the number had more than doubled in 4 days.

As we are high risk, I’ve booked myself the Nifty test, blood will be drawn tomorrow and results back in 10 working days. This blood test gives a 99% accurate risk factor whereas the NHS one is about 75% accurate.

I’ve researched and, really, we have a 90% chance of a healthy baby. My focus is now on Tuesdays scan, and hoping that nothing else is discovered. I’m definitely not having invasive testing, and explained this to the screening midwife who gave me my results, i mentioned Nifty and she thought it was a good idea as ‘there is so much more out there that can be done, just not on the NHS’, although she couldn’t directly recommend it!

Anyway on to the realisations….there have been 3 of them

1. No amount of worrying can change what is going to happen so i have to remain positive and choose to see the positives in everything I’ve been told thus far. As I’ve said above, nothing is yet written in stone and i choose to believe that we cannot be so unlucky twice, that we will not bring this baby home. Many people are told they are high risk for something or other and go on to have very healthy babies. I’m confident that not having invasive testing is the right thing for us, and I’m prepared for the fact this will mean increased uncertainty throughout the pregnancy. At the moment, the ‘T’ word does not even come into my thinking as i haven’t got all the facts and nothing yet is threatening to my baby. I do keep using the word ‘yet’ as I’m aware, sadly, of how quickly things can change (ever the realist).

2. Ive started referring to baby as ‘he’ since Monday. I figure I’ve got a naughty little boy in there who is determined to cause Mummy and Daddy problems from day 1. Girls aren’t this naughty, has to be a boy ☺️

3. This is my final pregnancy. This one i did not see coming but after this week plus everything we went through with Milo, mentally, i cannot do this again. Knowing this has made me more accepting, in that, if baby does have downs, or something else that will not complete destroy quality of life or be incompatible with life, i will do my damnedest to bring them home.
I was very sad when i realised, its all I’ve wanted since i was 9, to carry and have 2 children….Well I’ve carried 2, will (hopefully) bring one home and thats my lot. It’s not how i saw things panning out, even when we started, and failed at IVF many times, i still thought id have 2 healthy children, just in a not so conventional way. Sadly though, its possible that me and hubby just cannot make our own children. There are other options, adoption being the main one, but it all depends on this Greedy Jelly Baby in my tummy.
I have new found admiration for people who try and try again after loss, hats off to you ladies, but i am not strong enough mentally to deal with this.
A friend who had a worrying pregnancy told me before her baby was born (completely healthy despite what she had been warned) that she would never have another one, and that she admired me for trying again after Milo. I explained that i didn’t already have 1 living child like her, so had to try again. Now, i know utterly and completely what she meant, no matter what, this will be my last pregnancy. Its was worrisome enough, just having a high risk factor for heart defects, but with all the added worry of this week, pregnancy is no longer the wonderful thing it once was for me, its now just scary, and hard, and something i just have to get through week by week. So sad.

For tonight, hubby and i celebrate the fact that 1 in 11 is higher than 1 in 5, i look forward to my new tumble dryer being delivered tomorrow (I’m so excited, its actually a little sad) and we hope that Tuesday brings good news.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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22 thoughts on “Realisations

  1. I am so sorry that you have to worry about any of this. I do agree with your husband, though, that those are better odds. I would definitely bet on 90%! I think you have a wonderful attitude about all of this. I am pulling for you and your feisty little boy over here!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I thank you for it, a million times over. Im just holding on to the positives as its all i can do right now. Time to enjoy my weekend and hope GJB is kicking up a storm over nothing x

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  2. Toni
    You’re story is really breaking my heart.. Feel like I’ve followed you since all the way back when you’re fet were cancelled etc you always offered advice about thin lining etx and this time I was so confident things would go plain sailing.
    I admire you’re positivity .. Xx
    I’m panicking about downs due to very high hcg at 5 wks.. It’s worried me all along. I’ve gone straight for nifty and have it booked just after 13wks. I can’t deal with the worry of the Nhs testing and in wales we don’t even get nuchal test..
    Really pray you get a good result from the nifty xxx
    Sending lots of positive vibes to you xx thinking of you xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey hun
      Its always a drama with me isnt it?! Lmao
      We just have to stay positive! So high jcg is indicitive of downs is it? I didnt know that, mine was 814 at 13dp5dt…
      Nifty defo sounds like the way forward as its much more accurate, shouldve gone straight for it myself.
      Keep smiling hun, fc we both come good xxx

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      1. I’ve read so many stories where people had high risk and all was fine.. And I mean loads..! It’s scary really..
        Well I’ve googled high hcg and there’s conflicting things .. Some say hcg in early pg isn’t an indicator and it’s a diff part they measure after 12 wks.. But can’t seem to get a straight answer.
        I’ve been so worried since the hcg tests.. Took them to reassure myself and wish I hadn’t .
        My hcg was 1498 at 18dpo and 12600 at 22dpo.. Crazy high.. And doubling fast.. Just can’t win..
        Everything a drama with me too Hun..
        Yeah pleased about nifty.. More money though. Not sure where I’m getting it from.. The never ending infertility bank..??
        We deserve some luck hey Hun xx
        I need to get to my 13wk scan first in 2 wks.. That in itself would be a miracle ..
        I will look out for your update and for now send your bubba lots of Toni pma and fingers crossed in 2 wks you can relax ..(until the next test anyway)
        If anyone deserves it you do!! Xxxx keep us updated xx

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      2. I do like to ramble on here so youll defo be updated!
        Ahh they are high but fc its just a strong bubs! Its all worrying this pg lark but i hope we both get to relax soon, we all deserve a happy ending xxx

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  3. Toni you are such an amazingly strong lady, and I truly hope that this is just a blip. Keeping everything crossed for the nifty. And I admire your decisions you have made too, I don’t know if I am ready to quit ttc but am coming to the conclusion that it may be the way to go. On a lighter note, enjoy your new tumble dryer – I honestly don’t know how I would cope without mine … And enjoy proper hotel style fluffy towels – the best bit of being a tumble dryer owner! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have a dryer but this new one is a condensor, no more steamy kitchen!!

      Im so sad that i cant face TTC anymore, maybe in years to come, but for now, i cant take the heartache. If this had been a boring pg then things would be very different i think…but such is life xx

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  4. You are an amazing woman, you are so strong and brave. I don’t know why you are having to go through all of this, I will pray for you and a healthy baby. Your attitude astounds me and I hope I can learn from your positive outlook. I’m about To start my 4th cycle after 3 negative cycles. I hope I can learn from courage. I really really do hope it all works out for you xx

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    1. Oh good luck to you hun! Ive been there, but the promise of a BFP is just arpund the corner for you…statistically it takes 3 so must be your turn.
      I appreciate the kind words, truly i do, but i dont feel strong or brave, more that im on a rollercoaster i cant get off, no matter how scary it gets, so ive just gotta keep muddling through xx

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      1. Thank you, you really are an inspiration. You are muddling through so gracefully. I really believe that everything happen for a reason I don’t know why this is happening to you,but I hope in a years time you can look back with your baby boy in your arms and this whole thing will be nothing more than a wound which is healed by your beautiful, healthy baby. Stay positive. Xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I am trying, having a tough week but am hoping it will get better. Someone close to me who was going through ivf once said that she wished that we both had children or both didn’t. She was lucky enough to have one and the baby’s christening is tomorrow. I’m finding these words so cruel which play over in my head. I just hope that there is some kind of force in this world which results in good things happening to good people like you. This is such a cruel journey everyone who goes through it deserves happiness at the end .

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I always found christenings, baby showers etc tough, my friends were all fertile so had no idea but your friend should be more sensitive, sorry shes not. Take each day one at a time, its a long bloody journey, but slowly slowly you will get thete. My biggest piece of advice is to relax. I was so chilled on my last cycle in cyprus and i defo think it helped. Even had a glass of wine between EC and ET 😄 xx

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  6. Im sending positive vibes to you sweetie. I have heard so many positive stories regarding high NT. As you say no one has confirmed that he has something wrong with him just figures, numbers and percentages. FC for scan on Tuesday.
    xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Its so true! I think with the right support anything is possible, and im more than prepared to put everything on hold for my baby. I am a little worried about the possible associated heart problems following my last pregnancy, but im more worried about a nastier syndrome. Hopefully tuesday wont reveal anything further. Thank you for the message, its nice to hear from someone with experience xx

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