This week has been WEIRD.
After the scan Monday, i struggled Tuesday to get my head round how all this could be happening to us, especially after Milo.
However as the week progressed I’ve become more positive. So far we haven’t been told anything that is life threatening to baby, so far nothing is incompatible with life, so far its all risk factors and possibilities.
Today was D-Day and the results of the combined screening for Down Syndrome came back….
1 in 11 chance this baby will have Down Syndrome.
F**k, was my 1st thought, not because I’m not prepared to have a baby with downs, but more because i was hoping for higher after comparing stories and NT measurements with friends and on my forum.
I rang hubby who immediately lifted my spirits by pointing out that on Monday we were told we had a 1 in 5 chance of a chromosome issue, I’m not sure if thats just downs, or other syndromes too, but hell, the number had more than doubled in 4 days.
As we are high risk, I’ve booked myself the Nifty test, blood will be drawn tomorrow and results back in 10 working days. This blood test gives a 99% accurate risk factor whereas the NHS one is about 75% accurate.
I’ve researched and, really, we have a 90% chance of a healthy baby. My focus is now on Tuesdays scan, and hoping that nothing else is discovered. I’m definitely not having invasive testing, and explained this to the screening midwife who gave me my results, i mentioned Nifty and she thought it was a good idea as ‘there is so much more out there that can be done, just not on the NHS’, although she couldn’t directly recommend it!
Anyway on to the realisations….there have been 3 of them
1. No amount of worrying can change what is going to happen so i have to remain positive and choose to see the positives in everything I’ve been told thus far. As I’ve said above, nothing is yet written in stone and i choose to believe that we cannot be so unlucky twice, that we will not bring this baby home. Many people are told they are high risk for something or other and go on to have very healthy babies. I’m confident that not having invasive testing is the right thing for us, and I’m prepared for the fact this will mean increased uncertainty throughout the pregnancy. At the moment, the ‘T’ word does not even come into my thinking as i haven’t got all the facts and nothing yet is threatening to my baby. I do keep using the word ‘yet’ as I’m aware, sadly, of how quickly things can change (ever the realist).
2. Ive started referring to baby as ‘he’ since Monday. I figure I’ve got a naughty little boy in there who is determined to cause Mummy and Daddy problems from day 1. Girls aren’t this naughty, has to be a boy ☺️
3. This is my final pregnancy. This one i did not see coming but after this week plus everything we went through with Milo, mentally, i cannot do this again. Knowing this has made me more accepting, in that, if baby does have downs, or something else that will not complete destroy quality of life or be incompatible with life, i will do my damnedest to bring them home.
I was very sad when i realised, its all I’ve wanted since i was 9, to carry and have 2 children….Well I’ve carried 2, will (hopefully) bring one home and thats my lot. It’s not how i saw things panning out, even when we started, and failed at IVF many times, i still thought id have 2 healthy children, just in a not so conventional way. Sadly though, its possible that me and hubby just cannot make our own children. There are other options, adoption being the main one, but it all depends on this Greedy Jelly Baby in my tummy.
I have new found admiration for people who try and try again after loss, hats off to you ladies, but i am not strong enough mentally to deal with this.
A friend who had a worrying pregnancy told me before her baby was born (completely healthy despite what she had been warned) that she would never have another one, and that she admired me for trying again after Milo. I explained that i didn’t already have 1 living child like her, so had to try again. Now, i know utterly and completely what she meant, no matter what, this will be my last pregnancy. Its was worrisome enough, just having a high risk factor for heart defects, but with all the added worry of this week, pregnancy is no longer the wonderful thing it once was for me, its now just scary, and hard, and something i just have to get through week by week. So sad.
For tonight, hubby and i celebrate the fact that 1 in 11 is higher than 1 in 5, i look forward to my new tumble dryer being delivered tomorrow (I’m so excited, its actually a little sad) and we hope that Tuesday brings good news.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx