The brave face is slipping

The brave face is slipping

I cant deny it, I’m struggling at the moment. Despite the positives, of which i know there are many, i cant help but worry.

Nothing in particular had happened, but I’m just feeling the weight of it all upon me and have been for the last few days, there is no point pretending, I’m just miserable and have to allow myself to be, i just need to work through it.

I knew weeks 12 to 20 would be hard, i just had no idea how hard.

My weight gain has been playing on my mind and feeding my insecurities, its almost like the little anorexia voice at the back of my head has been turned up a notch….i hate myself for even acknowledging it. Im having a baby, ill gain weight, theres nothing i can do about it. But i don’t like how i look just now, flabby, jelly belly, only have a bump when I’m bloated, i need to ‘pop’ ASAP but i think baby is hiding at the back and not pushing my uterus forward.
Having said all that, I’m still eating, which is a good thing (I have no choice, i feel sick if i don’t!) i have bought some healthier snacks this week, apples, melon, sultanas, grapes so I’m eating better food at least. I guess I’m comforting eating for the first time ever too, when I’m miserable or struggling, i grab a snack, its a weird place to be for someone who’s go to response when stressed is to stop eating.

I have developed a new stress response, scratching. Its a nightmare, i scratch myself raw…Its upsetting hubby immeasurably, he can tell me to stop when we are awake, as its subconscious to me, but i also do it in my sleep. I have bought some cream to try and stop the itch when i feel it come on and I’ve filed my nails down in hopes i wont cause so much damage. Just another sign I’m not coping that well i guess.

We went shopping at the weekend, i needed to get out so i didn’t just sit and eat and lament all day, plus my wardrobe is rather limited. We spent 6 hours at the local shopping centre and i did manage to get 3 pairs of new maternity trousers. I also had a little incident when my blood pressure and sugar dropped at the same time, so i became a quivering mess until chocolate and a ginger bread man and lots of water fixed me.
I even allowed myself to look at the baby section in a department store, played with some prams, saw a rocking crib i quite fancy….until the fear struck me and i reminded myself not to count my chickens too early.

I have done something quite brave though, I’ve booked tickets to a baby show, 10 days before my 20 week cardio echo and anomaly scans. I don’t plan to buy anything but will take a notepad and pen to scribble down things i want to buy once i get the all clear (hopefully).

Despite the reassurance from the last scan, we still have a LONG way to go. Heart defects are playing on my mind all the time, now more than ever, as we approach the first cardio echo scan. I want to be positive, hate feeling “woe is me”, but honestly, this combined with the memories of last time, is HARD and i don’t mind admitting I’m struggling. I just want to stay in bed with the covers over my head until we hit 20 weeks. I want to run away.

I have been reminded, by a very good friend, that we are approaching Milo’s anniversary, and although i haven’t given it much conscious thought (i do plan to have my bump timeline and his pictures printed from my phone to add to his baby book, and would like to go to a beach around his birthday, maybe release a balloon, and have fish and chips and just be with hubby, perhaps more thought than i knew!) i was reminded that the brain works in mysterious ways and that it will be contributing to my mood. With the dates all so closely matching, theres no way to avoid comparison of experiences.

We had also been hoping for NIFTY results this week but i had a call today to say the sample didn’t contain enough foetal DNA and another sample is required. This happens in 2.8% of cases, so OF COURSE it happens to us, why wouldn’t it? This baby has been nothing but difficult from day 1, no point changing the habit of a life time now despite being only 15 weeks gestation!! So i go for a redraw later this week and then we wait, again!

I re-read my latest scan report, and noticed it mentioned a high anterior placenta. I know those words meant something to me, so had a google, like you do. My heart sank, placenta is at the front of my uterus, meaning it could cushion movements. Devastated. I have been so looking forward to movement, its all thats really kept me going if I’m honest, i loved feeling Milo moving about, and to think i might not feel this one till much later was just crushing. I turned to my trusty forum and have been reassured that i should feel some movement quite soon, possibly before 20 weeks, and that as baby grows there’s no way i won’t feel it. As the placenta is high I’m also told that i should feel any low down movements….i hope so. I guess it hit me hard as i still cant see past 21 weeks and 4 days, so i was hoping for earlier movements to enjoy for as long as possible….things are never as you expect them though, you’d think id be learning that by now. I just feel a bit cheated if I’m honest, what with everything else, i thought id at least get to enjoy this bit.

Having told another expecting Mum how I’m feeling she suggested a weekend away, just me and hubby, which is a great plan. Kinda wish id not spent so much at the weekend so i could afford to book now, but i can at least look for ideas. I want to run away from all this, so a weekend away is a good compromise.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


22 thoughts on “The brave face is slipping

  1. I’m sorry. Anniversaries of deaths are really, really hard — even if you’re not consciously thinking about it. I still get super upset around my mom’s birthday and death (which are about a month apart), even though it’ll be three years in August. Every year I’m like, ok, I’m totally fine this year, but then inevitably I’ll be feeling down and crying for no reason and then I’ll realize, “Ohhhhh, that’s why.” I’ll be thinking about you as you navigate this stressful time. That is SO annoying about the Nifty test! Ugh!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Also, please mention to your doctor about your itching. I’m sure you are right in that it’s stress (this happens to me, too), but my boss has something called cholestasis, which is itching in pregnancy (has something to do with the liver I think). She is totally fine and her baby is also totally fine, but she does have to get monitored more often.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. And I feel bad for even mentioning that because I don’t want you to have another single thing to think about. I really don’t think it’s anything to worry about, but I didn’t feel right not mentioning it, just in case.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. I know, so typical, just our luck!
      Thanks for understanding, its the 1st death ive really properly felt, and being my child is bound to make it harder i guess. Its a funny thing grief, sneaks up on you xx


  2. A weekend away sounds fab, any idea where you’ll go?
    I think the feelings you are having now are totally normal. I hope the weeks pass quickly, the nifty goes ok 2nd time around (what a pain having to wait even longer) and you get to feel even a teeny movement soon. Keeping you in my thoughts xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ive no idea, i might just look for something last minute and go where the wind takes us!!
      Oh its just my luck about Nifty, its just compounded things.
      I hate being so down, im so lucky to be pg and i want so much to enjoy it. Xx


  3. I’m sorry you are feeling so down at the moment, You have been through such a lot, and with the anniversary looming it is going to be hard for you.
    Maybe some time away in a different environment with your husband will give you both a chance to rest, and not think so much, (It;s hard not to, I know). I wish you all the best, and hope things get better for you soon..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I know i sound ungrateful and truly, im not. I will just work through this downer, try not to put unrealistic expectations on myself and hopefully see that sunshine soon!!


      1. For what it’s worth, you do not sound the least bit ungrateful to me. You sound like you’ve walked a hard path, and you cannot escape it – which is completely justified and I think normal! Try to be kind to yourself. Love to you.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I can only echo what has already been said…
    Keep that chin up when you can and sob when you need to. Pregnancy is the biggest rollercoaster ride going but to be doing it under your circumstances takes courage, strength and lots of PMA. I’m sure everyone reading your blog is in awe of you Toni – remember how many of us you are inspiring when it gets rough.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sorry you’re struggling. I’ve dealt with eating disorders in the past and am currently TTC via IVF. It’s a delicate balance when the insecurities seem to speak to us so loudly, but we know we have to stay on track. It sounds like you’re doing well with your eating–bravo to you for that. My heart goes out to you in this tough time. Even if you’re doubting yourself, it sounds like you’re aware of the emotions and feelings, and working to get on top of it all. Big hugs, and I hope brighter days come your way soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Its very tough to deal with the way your body changes and keep up BMI for treatment isnt?
      Its nice to eat without pain but the way i look is strange to me…
      All i can do is keep blogging to keep on top of it and not let it take over.

      Good luck on your journey, any questions feel free to ask, IVF is my forte!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks Toni! I agree–journaling and blogging are sooo helpful. Good to know someone with similar background who has been through this process. Finding others makes the journey less lonely. 💗


  6. oh dear Toni.. hang in there.. just think of the beautiful one inside now.. I know its not at all easy.. I reminisce too thinking my boy would have been 4 if he was here today but I guess we just need to focus and be grateful that we have got this 2nd chance to be a mummy again… the whole journey till here was not easy and wont get easier but you need to pull those pma pants back up and only focus on the positives… as the fear is only going to build up till we cross the 20/21 weeks and you sure need much much more strength till that time… so yes.. take a break.. take it easy… be happy.. sing happy songs to the precious one in there… and its just going to make you a happier person…

    Xxxx sasha

    Liked by 1 person

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