Have i gone too far?

Have i gone too far?

I had my heart set on a pram, it came in a rainbow design and meant so much to us, emotionally. But late last week i discovered the car seat that came with it (no others are compatible with the chassis) wasn’t safe enough, it wobbled on the base. I really think a travel system is best, as in being able to put a car seat on a chassis, as well as a pram and pushchair, so when I’m on my own and nip out, i dont have to take baby out of car seat and transfer to pram/buggy. 

So come friday, I’m in a tailspin about all this, woke up at 3am worrying over what travel system to get…i know we have ages until baby arrives but, i like a plan. Friday evening i research on the internet and come across a mamas and papas pram i really like the look of. I need to test drive it, ASAP, so hubby amd i head out to the Trafford Centre. After a demonstration I’m convinced but check out another store to ensure theres nothing i like more. There isnt.

We had been quoted a good price, and despite going to the baby show the next day, i decide to put a deposit down, we do after all, have a 30 day cancellation period. On my second visit to the store, after dinner, i decide to buy the furniture IF they’ll give me a good discount for spending so much, which they do…with a promise that if i can get cheaper at the baby show they will match it and of course, that all important 30 day cancellation period….just in case. 

All this is set to be delivered in July. I leave feeling only slightly anxious about my decision.

The next day was the baby show, i got into the spirit quite easily, ended up spending quite a bit as well as getting mamas and papas to price match on some other items, i already had the best deal on pram, car seat and furniture. We saved a small fortune, and i was so distracted all day, i didnt think, what if?

Sunday comes and I’m beginning to think i may have angered the Take Home Baby Gods, I’ve got more now than i ever bought with Milo, and look how that turned out. I have got my 30 day cancellation period on the big items, including the mattress i bought at the baby show, but in the excitement i bought bottles, shoes, wall decals, star projectors, all sorts. Have i tempted fate? Am i setting myself up for a fall? 

I always feel guilty, when i relax and do what other new Mums do, when i allow myself the hope of a take home baby. 

8 days to go until we find out if this one is healthy enough to come home, 8 days until our dream is realised or broken. 

This week will be tough, although up until tonight, I’ve not thought too much about it. This week marks the 1 year anniversary of lots of things. Friday was the anniversary of finding out our baby had HLHS, tomorrow will be the anniversary of taking the tablet and starting the process. Friday is the anniversary of Milo’s arrival and departure.

I was OK, until tonight. Until someone told me that my experience was adding to their anxiety. That was never my intention. I do not share my story to scare people, in fact i try hard not to refer to my experience with pregnant mum’s i talk to as its a very anxious time (even if you are having a healthy baby) but to be told the reason she is so anxious is because of what i went through, this week, of all weeks. Of course, i dont expect her to know the dates, but just to say it….

I’m crushed.  I always feared i would unintentionally terrify people, and seems i have, at least once.  We were so very unlucky, so many babies are born perfectly healthly, what happened to us and the other angel mummies is rare. I share my story here, for me, not to scaremonger. 

I dont know what to say, it’s broken my heart. 

Plans are in place to commemorate Milo’s anniversary, a baby record book we bought will be filled with photos of scans, my bump and the little man himself, we are going to release a balloon with his ashes tied to them on Saturday, as we are both working Friday, hopefully at a beach, weather permitting. 

Tonight i go to bed, full of doubt, full of anxiety and worry. 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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14 thoughts on “Have i gone too far?

  1. You don’t need to feel guilt about that other persons feelings. What happened to you happened-there’s no taking that back, and you have the right to share your story. We all have to figure out a way to control our own fears. She shouldn’t put that on you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thats what hubby has said, and ive done nothing but reassure said person so it did feel like a slap in the face tbh. Its just a fear i had has been realised. Its tough. Especially this week.

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  2. Do not feel guilty/upset in the slightest! If this person is feeling anxious she should stop reading your blog, she has a choice! And does she not think that you are feeling more anxious than anyone, why does she feel the need to make you feel bad! The problem is hers, forget her and carry on!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for words, which i can hear you saying in my head! I hope she hasnt been reading as it may add to her anxiety and im sure it wasnt meant to upset me and she has apologised although i havent found the right words to reply yet.

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  3. Remember Toni, you also give strength and hope to many of us. Beautiful plans for Milos anniversary, thinking of you all and good luck for next week. This is our time. Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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