I dont know how or what….

i don’t know how to say this, what words to use.

9 days ago we were told our baby was healthy, that they were coming home.

On Thursday 26th March 2015 at 19.48 our yellow bump turned pink. Millie was born sleeping, perfect, tiny and gorgeous.

I woke up at 4am on Thursday, i didn’t know why, but i think now, it was the start of things. I went to work as normal but my back was sore, really sore, and the pain radiated to my hips, and down to my ankles. I felt rough all day.

I rang Mum on the way home, at 4pm, and whilst driving, i started with what i hoped were braxton hicks. We agreed i best call the GP as i thought i had an infection and that was why i wasn’t feeling well. I got an appointment at 17.10 but they were running late so got in at 17.40, by that point, i knew what i was feeling were contractions. The Dr took me into her office and said within 5 mins i need to go to hospital. Whilst we waited for hubby, i did a pee sample, and passed some blood. It was the beginning of the end, i knew it. 

The Dr and i hoped and hoped, as she coached me through contractions and contacted the hospital to let them know i was coming.

Hubby arrived and we started our journey, in rush hour, the contractions were thick and fast and i was terrified my waters would go. They didnt, thankfully, didn’t want to ruin the car! 

We arrived at hospital at 18.40 and i somehow got to the department whilst hubby parked the car. I checked in and was asked to wait in a waiting room. 2 other much further along ladies were there, neither in pain but there for some emergency. I was still contracting and in a lot of pain when hubby arrived.

He immediately complained and i was taken to an exam room, asked to change, i was bleeding profusely by now, i knew we couldn’t stop this.

I was examined and told the membranes were pushing through, that i was 7cm dilated, there was no stopping this. Hubby broke. I cried out for pain relief, i was scanned to confirm the cervix had gone, then wheeled round to delivery.

I was given gas and air, and within minutes my waters went. I got as much gas and air as i could as we waited for morphine, god it hurt, but i had a lovely midwife and hubby held my hand all the way through. 

A left hand was born first, and then later, out came our baby girl, all at once. 

She was beautiful, i couldnt put her down. In all the haze of labour pains and gas and air, i came up with her name, Millie. Everyone agreed it was beautiful and perfect. She was wrapped and i held her whilst i called Mum to tell her. My best friend came to the hospital within the hour and sat and talked to me whilst i came down off my morphine high. It kicked in the second she was born. 

Hubby was so quiet, so hurt, but i had to chat, the morphine made me.

I never let Millie go. The midwife dressed her, pretty in pink, im not a girly girl, but Millie was!  We took photos, and i continued to hold her. My friend had to go home, but Mum was on her way with my brother.

I started having loads of blood drawn, to see if there is an explanation.  My placenta and umbilical cord will also be tested. We are yet to make a decision on a post mortem.

We left the hospital after midnight, with Millie’s memory box, hand and foot prints, hospital tags. We signed the memorandum book and once again made our way home. Not pregnant, but with no baby.

I do not understand what happened. I should have got to the GP sooner, or gone straight to the hospital. Im assured it wouldnt have made any difference, that it wasnt my fault, but its hard not to blame myself, i dont understand what happened.

9 days ago i was told i was having a healthy baby,  today i have 2 angels, born a year and 13 days apart.

What have we done to deserve this?

Love you always Millie and Milo

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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68 thoughts on “I dont know how or what….

  1. Toni my heart breaks for you reading this post and whatever I write will not be enough. Life is so cruel and unfair sometimes. I cannot imagine how you are both feeling right now.
    Millie is such a beautiful name. I am sure she is a beautiful baby too, I hope you have lots of precious pictures of her. I know nothing can take away the pain, heart ache, confusion etc you are feeling right now but I am sending you love and hugs and keeping you and Millie (and her big brother milo) in my thoughts. Xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Words cannot express how very sorry I am to hear of your sad sad news. We are all devastated for you and Tom. I don’t know how, why or otherwise only that Your Angels are together. Take care and contact me if you need me for anything x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so so sorry. Life really isn’t fair and you shouldn’t have to go through this. Why this happens I have no idea, hold on to those precious memories and happy times. You are such a strong person I really do hope that things work out for you, you so deserve some happiness. Thinking of u xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I just had to step away from my desk because I was crying so much reading your post. I am so sorry, my friend. What the F*CK, Universe? This is beyond unfair. I can’t believe this. I wish there was something more I could say than “sorry.” I wish I could give you a giant hug. More than anything, I wish I had the power to turn back time and make it so that this never happened. Millie is a perfect, beautiful name. I know her big brother will take such good care of her. And I’ll send a prayer up to my angels to watch over her as well. And please don’t ever blame yourself for this. You are a great mom and you did everything you could to keep her safe–absolutely everything.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I can’t even see the screen through my tears for you and Tom.
    I’m so very, very sorry Toni. You’re in my heart whilst you struggle to come to terms with this shattering news. All my love and cyber support. Always here if you want to talk xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Toni – I’m so so sorry to hear this. You and your DH are in my thoughts. My tears will be nothing compared to yours but we are all grieving for and with you so please remember we are all here for you. Lots of love to you and DH and of course to milo and Millie xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. My heart breaks for you both your little girls name means “highborn power ” and I hope that through all this pain you are suffering she will bring this to you both eventually, take care and love each other strongly xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    I’m totally heartbroken for you both. I simply don’t know what to say. You’ll be in my thoughts and I’m sending all the strength I have to you. I’m so, so sorry Toni.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I found your blog from The Sky and Back. She had asked her followers to send you some support. I’m so devastated for you and I will never understand why life is so unfair. I’m so sorry. The name you chose is absolutely beautiful. None of this is your fault and you did nothing to deserve this. Life is so cruel. Big hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Toni

    I am so sorry. I’m heartbroken for you. You and your husband have had to endure so much more than you should have.

    You and Mr Toni and Milo and Millie are in my thoughts.

    Someone sent me this quote when my mum died:

    When there are no words,
    Know that the silences are carrying
    The thoughts and prayers
    Of those who love you.

    Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Oh my God. You are in every inch of my thoughts and soul. I was so happy, and I, of all people, know that there are no words. I will simply ask addy to welcome her and play with her and milo often. I just cant even wrap my head around this. I don’t know you, but know that I have a grand love and respect for you. The loss of a child is something no one can know until they know it. For whatever your beliefs are, know that I pray for all involved.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I wish there was something one could say to make you feel better but I know there isn’t. I’m sorry for your loss and will certainly be thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I found my way here from The Sky and Back, and I just wanted to add my voice: I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for what you and your family have been through, which is more than anyone should ever have to bear. Sending you strength in this incredibly difficult time, and thinking of you and Millie.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Toni I am so very sorry. It makes me so angry that someone so deserving of a healthy baby has been dealt such a cruel hand. My heart breaks for you. Please dont blame yourself in anyway. This is in know way your fault and nothing that you did or didnt do has caused this to happen. Sending you and Mr Toni all my love and strenght.
    Millie is a beautiful name. Rip little one xx

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I am so so so so sorry you have had to go through this ever, let alone twice. It is beyond imagining and so unfair. I do not understand why this has to happen. I am so sorry for your famiy’s tragic loss.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I am so very sorry for your loss. After 4 miscarriages in the last two years, I understand what this looks like and, more importantly, feels like. I lost my son at 17 weeks two summers ago. (Here is a link to my story: http://stealingnectar.com/2013/08/22/swimsuit-palooza/) I cannot believe you’ve had to go through this again, but please know you are not alone and Millie and Milo are in my prayers, along with my hope for your whole recovery, peace, and healing. Big hugs and tears for you, sweet girl.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Oh Toni, there is nothing I can say. I am so so sorry to read this, I can’t believe that you have lost your little girl too. My heart breaks for you. Sending you so much love in the absence of being able to do anything. X x x

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Dear dear Toni , I have no words that will take away your pain right now. I can only try imagine how you are feeling. Losing my baby boy last year was horrific but to go through that twice is unthinkable…. Totally tragic! It brings tears to my eyes to think what you are going through. I’m so so sorry for your loss. Life is so unbelievably cruel at times & usually to good people. We will always question why these things happen but will never understand. I’m glad you were able to hold your beautiful baby girl & her name is lovely. Please know that I & the rest of the ladies are thinking of you. God bless xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  19. There isn’t any words to say how cruel and unfair this world is or how truly sorry I am.
    No one should have to go through this let alone amazing strong loving Caring lady like you who as a wonderful family. You and your family derseve all the happiness in the world. I wish with all my heart and soul I could take this pain away make things right give you the happiness you deserve. Sending you and ur hubby all the love and strength in the world I am so so sorry hun. I hope you get the answer you need Millie and milo have such wonderful loving perfect parents. I hope in time you and ur hubby get the happiness you both so truly deserve xx

    Liked by 1 person

  20. toni. It’s Anna from the ivf board. Can’t believe this has happened. You didn’t deserve this. You have been all of our rocks throughout our journey together. I’ve taken so much strength from you. You deserve to be a mum and have your take home babies. I’m so sorry. There are no words. You are so brave to share you story with us all. You have made milo and Millie very proud. Love to you and your husband. Thinking of you both xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I am so incredibly sorry this has happened to you and husband. I have been following your blog from early on and found it very inspirational. I can’t believe how unfair life can be. Thinking of you and your family xx

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Oh lord Toni.. what a shock.. just checked the forum and read about you which prompted me to check your blog… I know exactly how this feels and my heart goes out to you… take some time to heal and all will be well… I know its hard but the silver lining is out there… stay strong… for the next time please speak about the cerclage to your doctors… it stops our cervix from dilating early on.. I know theres nothing much we can say to make you feel better but just stay strong and hang on to each other (you and hubby) lots of hugss..

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you hun. It may have been an infection so lots of results to be waited on and as for next time…im not sure there can be one.
      Just struggling right now but i know things will get better in time. Xx

      Like

  23. Oh my. I have only just seen this post and my heart absolutely breaks for you. I think I’m in a state of shock- so I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Firstly, I am so incredibly sorry. I don’t understand how the universe could have done this to you… Not once, but twice. I know you’re strong but I am sending you all my strength anyway, because I can’t imagine how hard this is. I’m so, so sorry. Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  24. I am so very sorry for your loss. I have lost two pregnancies, at 19 weeks and 13 weeks, and there are no words that can describe the pain or make it all better, but there are many people keeping you in their thoughts. Wishing you lots of peace and strength. xxx.

    Liked by 1 person

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