Again….

I’m struggling with the again side of things, to be honest, I’m struggling with all sides again. 

But ‘again’ keeps coming to me…

I cant believe we are doing this AGAIN

The house is full of flowers again AGAIN

I have good minutes and bad minutes AGAIN

I have insomnia AGAIN

I have no appetite AGAIN

No one knows what to say AGAIN

I want to runaway AGAIN

The phantom Kicks are back AGAIN

I feel empty AGAIN

Nothing fits AGAIN

I cant stop the tears AGAIN

I look into the face of the man i love and see nothing but pain and loss, and there is nothing i can do to take that away AGAIN

This time is harder, i know what to expect and how hard this is going to be. I dont have the resolve i had last time…with Milo it was head down, get through it, get pregnant. 

Now….just fog, no idea where i am, where we are going and what the plan is. Im truly lost and broken and dont know what to do. I dont want to get through this, i just want to stop. I dont know who to be if im not planning a baby, its been my life for 7 years in May.

I know its early days but the person i am needs a plan. 

Its harder this time because i MISS her. I love Milo with everything i have but i was on so much morphine, i didnt bond in the same way i did with Millie. I miss the weight of her in my arms, all 15ozs of her, i miss talking to her, i miss planning for her.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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34 thoughts on “Again….

  1. I wish God will give you all the strenghts that you need. Going through this again is hell but i m sure u ll rise again. U r a strong, loveling person and i pray one day all ur wishes ll come true.sending u a lot of love.xxx farah

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  2. There aren’t any words that I can say that would make it better. But know that we are all thinking of you and sending lots of love to you and your DH. Lots of love xxx

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  3. Oh Toni my heart breaks for u both ur both in my thoughts xx
    I know answers won’t make it easy or make u forget but I hope u get some answers a reason so u can put a plan in place n in time find a path that takes u to the happiness u both deserve so much xx
    Infertitly so hard as it is without everything u have been through and not seeing a end really hope with all my heart that u can find a happy ending in whatever u decide is best for u both xx

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  4. So make a plan. Do what you need to do to breathe your next breath.
    You haven’t left my thoughts and I’m still sending every ounce of strength I have to you. Xxxxxxxx

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  5. Oh my friend, for now just take it one minute at a time. One minute, that’s all you need to get through. When you get through that one, you can worry about the next. I am so sorry. i can’t believe you have to go through all of this again, either. It is just devastating. I think a plan will come to you once you get through these early days, but for now you just have to make it through. And you will. Sending so much love.

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  6. there are moments (5 months later) that I just break down. I finally found moments 3 months in, where I would smile. They started coming more and more, but I still have my moments where I sit in the floor and I curse and scream and cry. It is ok to be angry, you should be. My Addy “plays” with me, and maybe Millie will. Be mindful. Addisons toys will randomly go off. She will set off smoke alarms. The other night she threw my red lipstick across the room (her favorite) she leaves me change everywhere. She didn’t start until I came out of my fog. There will be little moments given to you that will bring a smile back around. this I promise to you.
    For what it is worth.
    I started a #smallyesforaddy campaign. Its on facebook, instagram, what have you. Maybe start one for Millie. It is comforting for me to see people letting their kids stay up late, or have that extra cookie, anything to say yes to what I now can not. Its mostly helpful because it keeps her here with me. People taking time out of their day to remember her and treat their kids a little nicer, realizing the blessing that they hold, that I no longer do. I am happy to help you start a project like this. ❤ from North Carolina

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  7. You are doing amazingly well toni just to tell you story. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers at the moment. Lots of love to you and you OH xxxx

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  8. I wish there was a way we could make all the horribleness go away for you but know that minute by minute is the only way. You have such strength to even share this with us. I am sure Mille and Milo are so so proud of you and I am hoping you find a way forward when the time is ready. Until then know that we are all supporting you and mr Toni with virtual arms xxx

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  9. Toni I can not imagine what you are going through right now. I’m recovering today from my second ERPC from my second mmc. I should be grateful that I’m losing them early on. I can understand the not understanding what happened and the confusion of the future. Big hugs and I hope we can both find ways through this x

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  10. Toni
    I just wanted to say you haven’t been far from my thoughts since I heard your news.. I hope you get some answers soon as to why life has been this cruel to you. You will find the strength to try again and I know it will continue following your story until your rainbow baby is in your arms xx sending love and strength xx

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      1. Hi Toni,
        I have just came across your awful news xxxx I’m so so sorry to read this, I just can’t believe how cruel life can be x sending you lots of love xxxx

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