2 weeks ago, it was all OK

We were given the news we spent 20 weeks waiting for…a perfectly healthy baby. We’d done it, finally.

For 9 days, all was well, hubby and i were the happiest we’d ever been. Nothing could touch us, we were invinceable.

The day before we met her, she was kicking me so hard it was hard to concentrate. The next day she was gone.

I cant make any sense of it, in less than 24hrs, something ended this pregnancy. I had no say in it, no idea it was happening. How bad a Mum am i? I just cannot protect my children.  Or at least thats how it feels.

With Milo we had time to deal with the diagnosis and time to make the decision, time to come to terms with what was happening.

Millie was so FAST. Contractions start at 4pm, waters go at about 7.15pm and at 7.48pm she was born, all at once. Perfect but not breathing. Why? How?

Ive stopped being sad, im still sometimes angry, and i do have moments where i wish the world would just stop and realise my pain, but mostly im numb. Numb and confused.

If i believed in a god, id have to say he/she either hates me or is very much trying to tell me im not meant to have babies.

But i dont, its offers me no comfort, im a scientist at heart and believe there must be a reason…there must be an explanation.

There’s been a lot of talk of adoption, from my family in particular, im just not ready for that conversation, or any future trying to concieve plans.

I just dont know how i feel…even though i do day dream about being pregnant again, i also am very aware of how hard that would be for the people around me.

Its all i ever wanted since i was 8 or 9, to be a Mum, and to completely change my focus from IVF to adoption is hard. If we do decide our IVF journey is over, i will need to grieve for that too as a significant part of my life has been dedicated to it and its not easy to say goodbye.

In the meantime?

Im attempting a year off all things babies, it wont last, i have no doubt of that but i will try not to make any firm decisions until this time next year.

For now, we sit and wait, wait for the pain, and anger to hit us like a tidal wave, if indeed it does hit? Sometimes i wonder if ill be in limbo forever, or that my brain has already surrendered and just will not process this trauma. 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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36 thoughts on “2 weeks ago, it was all OK

  1. I’m so so sorry. My heart breaks for you. It sounds like you’re handling this as best as anyone could and that shows great strength. You probably don’t feel it now, but you should be very proud of yourself. I hope every day brings a little more peace into your life 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You are doing your best, which I am sure is better than how I would handle it. Have the doctors or anyone been able to give you some answers for peace of mind? I know either way it won’t help because either way, it has happened, but perhaps it would help bring you peace of mind?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. We will hopefully get some answers in the next couple of months. There are lots of tests being done, and we are signing the post mortem paperwork tomorrow as well. I do need the answers to help understand and process what happened.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It may not seem like it but you are handling it. You’re getting through each moment of everyday. I don’t think there is a definite way of handling what you’re going through but you are. I hope there are answers for you – I don’t believe in god either – but if not you will handle that too.
    Still sending strength to you Miss PMA. Xxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you mim. I know theres no set process but i feel im betraying my little girl by not feeling anything at all. I know its my brains way of helping me survive right now, i just feel im doing her a disservice xx

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      1. Exactly, you’re surviving right now. All the feelings and memories of Millie will always be there for when you’re ready. And you’re simply not right now. Don’t beat yourself up anymore. Xxxxx

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Never ever give up Toni, whichever way you become someone’s mummy you will make an excellent one, anger can also make you stronger darling and whatever emotion you have at any time will be for a reason! You are a remarkable woman and everything you deserve will come your way, sometimes some of us just have to wait a little longer xxxx love u

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know, patience has never been my strongest attribute but i know i cant give up and must continue to fight.
      Soon the answers will come and ill make some sort of sense out of all this. Xxx

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  4. Morning lovely
    None of us would know what to do or feel in this situation and I should imagine you’re still in shock.. It’s been such a roller coaster for you, so many ups and downs since that bfp from Cyprus it’s so hard for me to even comprehend how it ended in this way..
    I really do hope they can give you some answers, although it will never bring your little girl back I just hope it will help in the decision you take with your next steps of getting your thb..
    I’m sure you’ve googled like mad trying to make sense of it all.. Possible reasons. Some reasons may lead to a solution that will give you confidence to try again..
    For now make a plan, even as you have to have a yr off etx this may change daily, weekly, monthly but most importantly you do whatever you need to do..
    Look after yourself and I’m sure Millie and milo are shining down on you today xx big hugs xx

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    1. Thank you lovely. I have so little info that ive avoided googling. Like you say we are still in shock and havent really processed the fact that she has gone.
      Im just going with whatever each minute throws up for now. Xx

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  5. I wish I could say something that would make things easier, less horrid, but I don’t think there is anything.
    What I will say, is that I think you’re an amazing woman. If you ever need a chat, let me know.
    C.x

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hi Toni, I have never met you but am in total awe of your strength. I am so very sorry for your loss, I’ve been following your story online. You’ve been such an inspiration to so many and now I only hope that you too have te same support you have shown others. Your lovely little girl will know you loved her and took care of her. I hope that science provides you with the answers you need. Thinking of you and your other half and sending you a virtual hug from a complete stranger xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh Toni, I’m so very sorry to read this. You are so strong that you will get through this and find a way to make your family complete. Take care of yourselves xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Saying sorry seems so empty but I have no words or you that provide comfort. If I knew you I would hug you- I have lost a child as well but can’t say I know how you feel… Processing is different for everybody. I wish you the most xx

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  9. Toni, you are all constantly in our thoughts and prayers and hope that you will find some answers that will give you any kind of comfort in this terribly sad situation and a way forward becomes clear. That beautiful Millie and Milo will be shining down on you, there is no doubt. I just know you’ll be back when the time is right. Hugs. Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  10. nothing I say will make you feel better.. I just wish I was there physically for you.. just to be there makes a difference.. but we are all here virtually.. vent all you want.. we will listen ans cry.. we will try to lend you a shoulder.. its fine.. and these emotions will take its time.. sometimes science will not give you the answers you want… so just be completely prepared… fact is when we lose someone… we will never know why.. and will always question why were we given that child in the first place to be taken away abruptly? cry..vent..and accept.. and move on… thats the only way dearest Toni… again I wish I was just there to give you a hug..
    do take that well deserved holiday with the hubby…you both need time off.. time to cherish each other beyond medicines.. treatments.. ttc.. planning and the rest… nurture each other.. thats what will give you both most strength…

    Liked by 1 person

  11. You have the right to feel all of these emotions. I get asked all of the time now when are we going to have kids. To me, Addy was my one. I cant even think about another kid. Not this year. I fully understand how you feel about God. I felt as if there was no god. It was Addison’s funeral, what her pastor said. It is very southern Baptist where I live. I am not. He said, and I quote “I am getting calls, all of them saying isn’t it great that God got another Angel today? NO IT IS NOT. God did not take Addy. As a matter of fact, God’s heart was the first heart to break. His heart broke the second he knew. He didn’t take her, he accepted her.”
    Maybe it brings some comfort, but I know where you are at. Be angry, be sad, be numb. In all of the things that you feel, you are a mom. When you feel up to it, you will make Milo and Millie so very proud of you. For now, they are there for you guiding you in your own time. There is no time limit on this. I love you. I don’t know you but I feel your pain and would hug you if we were in the same country. I think of you each night as I wish on three stars for Addison. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I do understand. It’s a road. It’ll get easier but it’ll never be easier. Their spirit is with you and they will get you up when they know you’re ready. Take all of the time in the world to just love and focus on the good that you had with them.

        Liked by 1 person

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