We were given the news we spent 20 weeks waiting for…a perfectly healthy baby. We’d done it, finally.
For 9 days, all was well, hubby and i were the happiest we’d ever been. Nothing could touch us, we were invinceable.
The day before we met her, she was kicking me so hard it was hard to concentrate. The next day she was gone.
I cant make any sense of it, in less than 24hrs, something ended this pregnancy. I had no say in it, no idea it was happening. How bad a Mum am i? I just cannot protect my children. Or at least thats how it feels.
With Milo we had time to deal with the diagnosis and time to make the decision, time to come to terms with what was happening.
Millie was so FAST. Contractions start at 4pm, waters go at about 7.15pm and at 7.48pm she was born, all at once. Perfect but not breathing. Why? How?
Ive stopped being sad, im still sometimes angry, and i do have moments where i wish the world would just stop and realise my pain, but mostly im numb. Numb and confused.
If i believed in a god, id have to say he/she either hates me or is very much trying to tell me im not meant to have babies.
But i dont, its offers me no comfort, im a scientist at heart and believe there must be a reason…there must be an explanation.
There’s been a lot of talk of adoption, from my family in particular, im just not ready for that conversation, or any future trying to concieve plans.
I just dont know how i feel…even though i do day dream about being pregnant again, i also am very aware of how hard that would be for the people around me.
Its all i ever wanted since i was 8 or 9, to be a Mum, and to completely change my focus from IVF to adoption is hard. If we do decide our IVF journey is over, i will need to grieve for that too as a significant part of my life has been dedicated to it and its not easy to say goodbye.
In the meantime?
Im attempting a year off all things babies, it wont last, i have no doubt of that but i will try not to make any firm decisions until this time next year.
For now, we sit and wait, wait for the pain, and anger to hit us like a tidal wave, if indeed it does hit? Sometimes i wonder if ill be in limbo forever, or that my brain has already surrendered and just will not process this trauma.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx