Numb numb numb bad numb numb

Numb numb numb bad numb numb

thats my week, right there.

Wednesday was bad. I woke up feeling down and knowing we had to go to the hospital to sign consent for Millie’s post mortem and creamation didnt help. I went to the ward i had both my angels, my first time there not pregnant/having a baby. It was tough.

We met with one of the bereavement team who as always were fab, but she wasnt able to the paperwork for the PM, a consultant had to, and he recognised me. I last met him the night we had Milo. Insanely good memory.

The day didnt get any better. I had no reason to smile or be happy. I was so very sad. Sad that both my babies are gone, sad that we dont know what happened to Millie, sad that we are going through this again. I packed my maternity stuff away that day, it made me feel so….broken is probably the best word to use.

Ive always KNOWN id have children, but suddenly its all very unknown. Is there something wrong with me? What if i cant have kids?

I found no way to pick myself up that day, no reason to carry on, i just sat in my own misery.

Since then ive gone back to numb. I do try to feel it sometimes but my brain doesnt think im ready. Itll be right.

We have now booked a holiday, something to not exactly look forward to, but focus on. As i dont fit into my clothes, i now need to buy new ones, that may only fit for a month (although my eating is much better than it was after losing Milo), i hate shopping if its not maternity wear, but needs must.

Im waking up early but do spend alot of time in bed at the mo, its comfy and safe. Hubby reminds me its a sign of depression, but we can get out and about when needs be, so im not overly worried.

I get panicy when thinking about returning to normal, going to work everyday, so i try not think about it too much for now. 

I cannot follow a conversation, nor can i finish a thought before it bleeds into another. There is so much running around my head, so many questions, what if’s.

Ill be throwing out the last vase of flowers tomorrow. Ill get new flowers, but nothing white, ive seen alot of white lately. 

Im a mess right now

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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27 thoughts on “Numb numb numb bad numb numb

  1. I’m sure you know this but it’s okay to be sad, and it’s okay to stay in bed, and it’s okay to take as much time as you need to heal. You’ve been to hell, again, and you’ll come back, again, when you’re ready.
    I’m not sure it helps but a lot of people are thinking of you everyday. Most of us can’t

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Always helps to know we are peoples thoughts, that we are not alone. I take comfort from the interactions i have here, online and in real life (although there are fewer of those). It is ok to be doing what i am doing, i know that, its just so hard to do anything different at the moment.

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    2. I was going to write pretty much exactly what is in this comment. Allow yourself the time to be sad. You probably ARE depressed and after what you have been through, that is ok. No one expects you to bounce right out of something like this. You will heal in time.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. trust that when it is time, you will leave that bed. you will wake up one day and it will feel different. Not saying it will be a good feeling, but the day wont be as heavy as it once felt. The flowers are the worst. I never understood that. I had friends who came and rid of all of them for me. Seemed so odd to give me something to A. take care of B. watch die. I think people just don’t know what to do. I probably wouldn’t either. Yes it is a sign of depression, but if depression doesn’t describe these times of life; its not a good word for any other circumstance. I can tell you only this; there is not right or wrong thing to do in these moments. you only do what you can muster to do each day. if that means nothing, then let it be nothing. doing nothing means you are still here and still fighting, as each day is a fight. I understand the going back. I had to go back to the hospital several times due to autopsy, signing to release her body. the last place I ever wanted to see. when shopping, pick something fun. something that you think they would have thought was pretty. its all a fake it until you make it. holiday will be good for you, simply because it surrounds you with a new scenery. find one thing that makes you laugh at least once a day. it will lead to two and so on. know that you are loved and so many are lifting you up in strength right now. I came home easter and my boyfriend had bought me a necklace that was shaped like an anchor that holds some of addys ashes. that way a piece of her is with me always. maybe you can find something like that. there are no answers. I was mad, hurt, pissed off, and just in shock. We were given no reasons. ill never know, that might be the hardest part. sometimes there are no answers. sometimes things are just effed up and we never get the peace of why. we must find peace in some part of it. it takes a long time to seek out what to find peace in, but you will find it one day. until then, know you are awake. you are venting. you are fighting. you keep that up, okay. I send you lots of hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You have to do what’s right for you at the moment, no one should have to go through what you have been through. Life is so unfair, at the moment Im sure it feels like you will never feel normal again, however someone once said to me that it never rains forever and one day you will see some sunshine. Your hurt will heal, however the wound will always be there but you will find the strength to return. Thinking about you a lot, take this time and do what you have to do, even if that means staying in bed. You need to grieve, only then can you heal xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think it’s great that you have booked a vacation to give youselves something nice to think about, and to focus on. And I think it’s great that you are trying to get out of bed and out of the house, and that your husband is trying to encourage you. I hope you are both able to continue to be kind to yourselves through all of this. Sending you love.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So sorry for your sadness and despair. It’s ok to feel this and it’s ok to stay in bed. Depression is transitory….it doesn’t mean you are depressed, but just going through a phase to get to the next phase of this grief…..whatever that may be. I don’t know why this happens but I know you are strong and when you are able to, you will find the strength again. Take each day at a time and do all you can just to get through it without question xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Toni take all the time you need. You have a right to feel sad, not want to get out of bed, it´s ok. Each day as it comes. Focus on your holiday, new places, people you dont know and dont know your life story.
    I think of you often and find you are truely inspirational!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Glad you have decided to take a bit of time. Enjoy the holiday- or just the break from everything/home/well meaning family.

    Forgive me if you have heard this before- have you listened to Gary barlow’s song ” let me go”? It’s quite an upbeat song and most people think it’s about a break up.
    Listen to the words. He wrote it about his daughter Poppy who was still born. But it’s from her point of view. I find it quite powerful thinking about my miscarriages. But then I do love gary!

    You are in my thoughts and prayers all the time. Take care and if you want to talk adoption stuff in the future when the time is right, just give me a shout. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much lovely, i was going to hit you up for info if we go down that route. Its defo an option but we need more time, lots more.
      I havent heard it but i will seek it out. Xx

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  8. read this today (one of my favorite authors who helps me daily) thought you might like these two

    “I held her close for only a short time, but after she was gone, I’d see her smile on the face of a perfect stranger & I knew she would be there with me all the rest of my days.”

    ‘No hurt survives for long without our help, she said & then she kissed me & sent me out to play again for the rest of my life.”

    in my continued thoughts. sending good vibes

    Liked by 1 person

  9. My heart melt each time i read your blog.u r an inspiration for all women who went through the same hell u are going through.u r a loving strong person and i wish all ur dreams and wishes ll soon come true.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hi Toni, how are you today love? I think a holiday sounds like a really good idea, a bit of distance and some sun on your back x hope this isn’t insensitive to say but I think you’ve made the right decision on the pm, I think that the answers will be very important for you to have in the future x sending prayers and positive thoughts everyday for you and your family x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you and i agree, im already desperate for answers so definitley think the PM was the right idea. Just wish i didnt have to wait 2 weeks to go away as im itching to run. X

      Like

      1. 2 weeks to wait, this sounds like A good opportunity for a list, euros are a good rate at the mo,
        Some toiletries shopping? Hope it comes around quick for you x

        Liked by 1 person

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