thats my week, right there.
Wednesday was bad. I woke up feeling down and knowing we had to go to the hospital to sign consent for Millie’s post mortem and creamation didnt help. I went to the ward i had both my angels, my first time there not pregnant/having a baby. It was tough.
We met with one of the bereavement team who as always were fab, but she wasnt able to the paperwork for the PM, a consultant had to, and he recognised me. I last met him the night we had Milo. Insanely good memory.
The day didnt get any better. I had no reason to smile or be happy. I was so very sad. Sad that both my babies are gone, sad that we dont know what happened to Millie, sad that we are going through this again. I packed my maternity stuff away that day, it made me feel so….broken is probably the best word to use.
Ive always KNOWN id have children, but suddenly its all very unknown. Is there something wrong with me? What if i cant have kids?
I found no way to pick myself up that day, no reason to carry on, i just sat in my own misery.
Since then ive gone back to numb. I do try to feel it sometimes but my brain doesnt think im ready. Itll be right.
We have now booked a holiday, something to not exactly look forward to, but focus on. As i dont fit into my clothes, i now need to buy new ones, that may only fit for a month (although my eating is much better than it was after losing Milo), i hate shopping if its not maternity wear, but needs must.
Im waking up early but do spend alot of time in bed at the mo, its comfy and safe. Hubby reminds me its a sign of depression, but we can get out and about when needs be, so im not overly worried.
I get panicy when thinking about returning to normal, going to work everyday, so i try not think about it too much for now.
I cannot follow a conversation, nor can i finish a thought before it bleeds into another. There is so much running around my head, so many questions, what if’s.
Ill be throwing out the last vase of flowers tomorrow. Ill get new flowers, but nothing white, ive seen alot of white lately.
Im a mess right now
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx