Jealousy is an ugly emotion

Jealousy is a nasty thing and not something i experience regularly. I dont get jealous when it comes to hubby, i have no reason to, we are so commited to each other, i have no reason to be jealous.

Ive always found pregnant women make me jealous, doubly so at the moment. Even though im still active on my forum, some days, like today, something hits me and makes me bitter and angry

I should have been 24 weeks on wednesday. The magic number when baby becomes viable, and the hospital will do everything they can to help a baby survive after this date.

For me its just a pipe dream…something i aspire to, not something i can ever achieve though. Or at least thats how i feel right now.

Why us? Why again? Have we not been through enough, paid our dues?

Why is this happening to us when it seems everyone around me has simple straightforward pregnancies?

How is this fair? We have tried harder and for longer than anyone i know and im still left out in the cold, childless, miserable, and so very jealous.

I do not like being jealous, it makes me into someone im not, bad thoughts cross my mind, horrid things that i dont want to feel, ever.

1 was bad but 2, 2 precious babies taken from me, my life stolen.

42 weeks and 5 days, thats how long in total i have been pregnant…but still i have empty arms.

I write this just to get it out, in case it helps me, it hasnt yet….another bad day on the cards

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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13 thoughts on “Jealousy is an ugly emotion

  1. You have every right to feel this way. Don’t ever feel guilty for any emotion that you experience, because that’s how you feel. I 100% agree that life has not dealt you fair cards. I am so frustrated and angry for you, it is just so not fair. I hope you’re going okay. Xx

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  2. It isn’t fair, you are absolutely right. No one ever, EVER should have to go through what you are experiencing, and especially not for the second time. It’s desperately, desperately cruel. How you react, though, how you feel is completely normal. I know the hatred you can conjure up towards yourself due to how jealous you feel, and it feels awful, cold, heartless, but as you say, that jealous person is not ‘you’. You’re only feeling that because of the horrible losses you have had to face – you are not a bad person, please know that. You’re a lovely person dealing with terrible circumstances.

    My heart is breaking for you and I wish so much for a day far less worse than it feels right now. Sending love x

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  3. It’s totally understandable, you have been through so much and you have had your fair share of crap. Let it out, you need to get these emotions out. People should understand and if they don’t then they aren’t worth bothering with. Stay away from pregnant people and babies. I pray for you, you will find peace again and some king of ending to this horrid journey. Sending you lots of love. Take care xx

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  4. Jealousy is an emotion just like being happy is – let it ride Toni as it needs to. Life is unfair for you – at the moment. As you know i am a great believer in ‘things happen for a reason’ – god knows why but have faith and hope if you can. Everyone is thinking of you and Tom at work – ring if you need to talk. Take care of yourself and each other xx

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  5. Your emotions are completely justified. It is so hard to see something come so naturally to others when you have struggled with it. I am so sorry for what you have been through. I hope you are able to work through these emotions and find a bit of peace.

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  6. Don’t feel guilty for your green feelings. I feel like that too. Baby loss does that and it’s a hideous place to be. I’ve lost 5, one late, and just can’t stand to look at, talk to or even get texts from pregnant friends or those with babies. It’s self preservation and I don’t care, do what you have to do to get through this horrendous time. You’ll feel like yourself again one day, but sadly it’s a new normal. The naivety of that first pregnancy shall never return, however happiness will one day. Sending much love from one bereaved mum to another xx

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  7. I’ve only very recently discovered your blog but I want to say that you can feel as envious or bitter or sad or angry or grieving for as long and as often as you need to feel any or all of those things. I also want to say I am so very and truly sorry for your lost babies. My journey has not been easy either and I’m okay if you hate me for staying pregnant this time but I can say I really hear the brokenness when you say you don’t want to or can’t try this again. These are dark days. I wish we could make it otherwise for you.

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  8. I understand completely how you are feeling. I have lost two babies (19 weeks and 13 weeks) and when I see everyone around me get pregnant (at will, it seems) and have no complications, no issues, it makes me so envious inside. And I too think jealous thoughts and it makes me feel even worse, like I am a bad person. I don’t want to be that person but some days it is so hard.
    I think you just have to remember to be kind to yourself. You have been through so much, and it’s unfair, and life is unfair. You are definitely not alone. Let yourself be wherever it is you need to be. You are grieving and it isn’t easy. Wishing you lots of peace and strength in the days and weeks ahead.

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  9. I still get so angry, not only at pregnant women, but also at bad parents. I just want to smack them to make them realize what they have is a blessing. Addison was born with birth injuries and I did everything right. I clearly remember a crack head (literally) going into labor the same time as me, right next door. her baby was healthy as a horse and I couldn’t for the life of me understand why. why me. then the day my addy was taken I was more mad. here I was mothering a special needs child and letting her live with her disabilities to the fullest. doing more with her than most parents do with “typical” kids. its all unfair. be jealous. its natural. venting is good. hugs to you

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