How do you make someone who has never suffered the loss of a baby, let alone two, understand how it feels? There are so many words
Sad, so very very sad
These are all very good adjectives, but they are not powerful enough to describe how bereaved parents really feel.
Its like a gaping hole is open in my heart, in my life. Nothing and no one can or will fill this void. Breathing in and out is a conscious effort. I eat because i have to, nothing tastes good, its just expected of me so i do it.
The numb feeling has subsided, and now im just left with sadness, emptiness, tears and longing. Longing for my children, my beautiful little boy and girl. There are no quick fixes, there is no rushing through this to the other side, where it hurts but i can cope. I know in time, i wil function properly again, but not now, not 20 days later.
I just need to grieve, i cant hurry it up, i cant get through it without GOING through it. I have to mourn my daughter, it will take time.
When im with people, i do try to put a brave face on it, but at the moment its not possible, my sadness is evident in my face and right now i havent the energy to rearrange my face to make people feel better.
Perhaps the reason certain people are expecting a smile is because after Milo, we ran away immediatley, had the 2 weeks we desperatley need just to figure out how we felt, and when we came back we were able to fake it in front of people (well i could) but this time i dont want to fake it. This hurts, more than anything ive ever felt, and i just have to ride it out.
Perhaps there is no way to MAKE people understand, perhaps i just need to accept that, stop trying to make myself understood, and just work through this with hubby and a select few.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx