How do you make someone who has never suffered the loss of a baby, let alone two, understand how it feels? There are so many words
Sad, so very very sad
Helpless
Hopeless
Angry
Lost
Confused
Hurt
Desperate
Empty
Alone
Dark
Miserable
Cold
Impatient
Disinterested
Quiet
Silent
Numb
Mute
Shocked
These are all very good adjectives, but they are not powerful enough to describe how bereaved parents really feel.
Its like a gaping hole is open in my heart, in my life. Nothing and no one can or will fill this void. Breathing in and out is a conscious effort. I eat because i have to, nothing tastes good, its just expected of me so i do it.
The numb feeling has subsided, and now im just left with sadness, emptiness, tears and longing. Longing for my children, my beautiful little boy and girl. There are no quick fixes, there is no rushing through this to the other side, where it hurts but i can cope. I know in time, i wil function properly again, but not now, not 20 days later.
I just need to grieve, i cant hurry it up, i cant get through it without GOING through it. I have to mourn my daughter, it will take time.
When im with people, i do try to put a brave face on it, but at the moment its not possible, my sadness is evident in my face and right now i havent the energy to rearrange my face to make people feel better.
Perhaps the reason certain people are expecting a smile is because after Milo, we ran away immediatley, had the 2 weeks we desperatley need just to figure out how we felt, and when we came back we were able to fake it in front of people (well i could) but this time i dont want to fake it. This hurts, more than anything ive ever felt, and i just have to ride it out.
Perhaps there is no way to MAKE people understand, perhaps i just need to accept that, stop trying to make myself understood, and just work through this with hubby and a select few.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx
Confessions of Little Miss PMA 
This breaks my heart because no-one should have to know these emotions, let alone go through it twice. And it breaks my heart that people don’t understand it, and don’t seem to get the hurt and the heartache and their permeating and lasting impacts. I wish I could come give you a giant hug. But since can’t please know that I believe you should take all the time you need to grieve and process all your emotions right now. Sending you love.
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You need to get through it however you can. If others do not understand it is their problem, not yours. You cannot just bounce back from what you have just been through. My thoughts are with you, and I hope you and your hubby find some comfort.
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You get through it however you need to, don’t worry about what anyone thinks. They are not walking your path. They say everything happens for a reason. Hmmmm. I can’t think of a single reason why you have been put through this twice. I am praying for you. Sending massive cyber hugs your way.
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Toni no one deserves to go through this let alone twice. You should be allowed to grieve how ever long it takes. If people/family dont understand then leave them be. From my experience unless you have been there yourself you never really understand. I findfamily/friends that say things like I know how you feel I lost my pet dog last week or at least you know you can have children ….and the list goes on so frustrating I just stopped letting them come round. You and hubbie need your time to grieve.
Thinking of you both sweetie xxx
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No one can truly understand unless they have had the same. Even in that, no one will understand because every grieves and feels differently. No one expects a smile. It will come one day, but being out of bed in times like these is about all that one can expect of you. For you don’t know why you are getting out of bed. Its an emptiness that cant be put into words; just felt. Hugs to you
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Toni don’t ever feel you have to put on a brave face for others. You are entitled to feel like this and no one should expect you to be otherwise. Just do what ever you feel is right for you. You are amazing. Lots of love Anna xx
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It just plain sucks that we have to understand these emotions that go along with RPL. It’s not fair and there is such a vast array of emotions that we feel. I have learned that unless you suffer from RPL there is no way to understand. Friends can be sympathetic, but they won’t truly know the sadness that goes along with miscarriage. My thoughts are with you.
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Toni
Just wanted to say you and your DH are constantly in my thoughts. It is so cruel and not fair just doesn’t even come close. Make sure you take the time to grieve for Millie – (and milo too of course) and stuff what everyone else thinks and says. You and DH are the most important people now. Work through it how you like, when you like and with who you want to.
It’s been said so many times already how strong you are and how much you look out for others, and that’s still the case even now. Let others be strong for you. Don’t feel you have to do this alone. We are all here for you.
Lots of love xxx
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I understand. Not completely. Just a bit. I wish I didnt. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. People just mean well, that’s what you have to remember…when they’re saying meaningless, unhelpful things. It’s because they love you and they feel like they’re supposed to say something. It’s not your job to try and make anyone understand, you just concentrate on you and hubby and take all the time you need to grieve in the way you want. Thinking of you xx
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I’ve been following your blog since our loss in January and wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of your losses and the pain that you are going through.
Your posts have been such a support to me..you are an amazingly strong Lady. Please be gentle on yourself, I know its so hard..I’ve also suffered multiple losses so know how painful it is to pick up the pieces…again.
You will be ok, stay strong, don’t focus on others and their understanding as no one can ever truly know how you are feeling. Xx
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I am so very sorry you are having a bad time. I know there are no words to take it away. Wishing you strength and peace….. and sending you a big virtual hug.
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Sweetest Toni, coming from someone who has gone through such a loss once, I can so relate to how you are feeling at present. You have to go through those emotions, which can make you feel so isolated at times, without feeling that you´re being rushed or needing to put on a brave face. I remember feeling angry that nobody seemed to understand that I couldn´t snap out of it and carry on as normal. I hated the words, “be strong” (“animo” in Spanish) and I remember wanting to punch people´s lights out when it was said (believe me, I´m not a violent or aggressive person either!) It really upset me that life/the world seemed to carry on oblivious to the fact that I suffered a great loss. I had to work through the grief at my own pace and there were no words that could offer me comfort or solace. The reality is that there isn´t anything that can be said. Hold Mr Toni close and feel free to offload/express those feelings here without judgement. My heart goes out to you. I´ve been thinking of you alot and would like you to sense the greatest, tightest virtual hug possible. There is nothing else I can offer.
xx
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well try to ignore people.. in general they will not understand unless they have been in the same shoes… so just ignore..
i came across this blog.. and remembered you..https://trytryagainblog.wordpress.com/2015/04/13/10-things-that-help-when-youre-trying-for-a-baby/comment-page-1/
maybe some of this will help…
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Although my experience slightly differs from yours, I can imagine only a sliver of the pain you and your family are feeling right now. My heart goes out to you. I wish I had the right words to make the pain go away. My thoughts are with you.
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