Do not envy us

So its the day before the holiday. Usually a time of excitement, packing, prepping, thinking of all the things youll do over there.

For me, not so. I dont want to do this…i dont want to be able to go on holiday. I want to be pregnant still, i want to be uncomfortable, i want to be huge and i want to know my baby is coming home.

Lately, people have asked, “are you looking forward to your holiday?” I just want to scream at them, i dont want to be able to have a holiday, i dont want to have spent what i saved for nursery furniture and prams on this holiday.

I would literally give anything to be pregnant still.

But here we are, amd im not, this holiday is a necessity, its a way to rebuild our lives, again. But we wont be filled with the fun loving attitude of those around us, instead we will be dealing with some very dark emotions, in a very bright place. This is why we are going away, we are not lucky, we are not to be envied, we are broken and this may go some small way to helping us fix ourselves. 

Ive spent the day with a lump in my throat, wondering why. Why again? What did we do to deserve this? There are no answers, there is no reason, there is no comfort, we just have to keep going, for who im not sure, but it seems life itself demands that we push on, regardless.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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14 thoughts on “Do not envy us

  1. Toni, I could’ve written this blog post. We were due out little boy this week but instead we’re jetting off to the Caribbean four months after losing him. If one more person says I must be looking forward to it, I’ll scream. I feel your pain so much and wish you a relaxing time away – I hope some time together and away from everything does you both good xxxx

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  2. Some Caribbean sun and getting away from home will do you both good. I find here I check my phone and see facebook updates from pregnant people, or new baby announcements etc. I’m going cold turkey on social media and hoping our time away is the tonic we need to move on & the same for you. Let’s hope news of the royal baby doesn’t reach the Dominican or arrive on Thursday, my due date! Ditto re the stars with Millie and Milo – let’s hope they’re playing happily up there with my little Barney xx

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    1. Im in the Dominican too! Dont buy a paper and we should escape all news! My phone will be for photos and music only whilst away.
      Lots of strength for thursday, i hope it passes peacefully xx

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  3. Thank you, I’m thinking (hoping) it won’t be as bad as feared. Haha well if I hear of a Toni at the bar, I shall think of you! We go Tues to Memories in Bavaro. An apt resort name to remember our little boy. Have as enjoyable time away as you can. Remember why you’re with your man & enjoy the reasons you fell in love again. I’ve found that goes a long way xx

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    1. Very true
      Sadly not same hotel but ill think of you down the road!!
      It wasnt as bad as i expected so hopefully youll find it peaceful and a day when you can smile about Barney xx

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  4. Thinking of you Toni. Can only imagine how awful things must feel, and how horrible it is to be going away when you can’t possibly enjoy it. I can’t imagine what reason there could be for this, but you do deserve some time and space and a huge amount of pampering and I hope the time away gives you a little bit of that. There are no words of comfort for this darkest of times but I just wanted to say I am continuing to think of you and to will the universe to change your fortunes very soon. Sending much love xxxx

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    1. Thanks so much Benita! I hope we can come bk ever so slightly stronger and 2 weeks off washing, cleaning etc is certainly welcome.
      I do feel a bit better now ive packed, i think the build up, leaving my fur babies at my mums etc really hit me hard but hopefully the sun and cocktails will at least make this awful process a tad easier to bear.
      Xx

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  5. I remember feeling this exact same way when we ran away to Peru after our third loss, and I couldn’t believe people thought it was like any other vacation. I remember wanting to scream “Seriously, we lost our baby, we are running away, trying to escape our reality”. Somehow we even enjoyed most of the actual trip – we were distracted enough and far enough removed from our reality that we were okay. But, the trip didn’t change our losses and it didn’t take away our hurt. And it sure didn’t change our empty arms when we got home, in fact, I think we felt even more empty when we got back to our large, empty home and all the reminder of what had happened.
    Anyways, all of this is to say that I understand where you are coming from and I also understand that returning home might not be the easiest, because it sure wasn’t easy for me. I’m wishing you at least a few moments of peace on your vacation and I’m sending you love my friend.

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  6. There are no words I can say that will take any of the pain away. I hope your time away allows you to gather your thoughts and feelings without people watching your every move and reaction. ❤
    C.x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Toni – I haven’t been on your blog for a while. I am so very sorry to hear this sad news. Sending you a big virtual hug, you are such an incredibly brave lady. Love to you both. xxx

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