Have you got kids?

We have been asked that question twice since being here…

Its the first thing we are asked upon revealing how long we have been married, usually after gasps and “you dont look old enough to have been married that long”

Its the natural thing to ask. My answer always comes out naturally “not yet” and the guilt hits before ive even uttered the first syllable…but how else to answer the strangers question? With the truth?

These people that have asked us in the last week, are one half of a young couple, on honeymoon or a couples holiday, how else do i answer without shattering their dreams of children, to them a given?

The lie comes so easily, too easily. Not only am i betraying my children but also, my unspoken mission that infertility, TFMRs and Miscarriages not be a taboo subject.

Im conflicted, im happy to tell my story, i want my children to be rembered by more than us, but the reality is, its a conversation stopper, the person in reciept of my answer will feel ive shared too much, wont know where to look, how to respond…maybe because itll make them rethink their own given?

So i lie and carry on as though the question has no impact, even though the guilt of my lie echoes through the week…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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8 thoughts on “Have you got kids?

  1. I so get this. Some days it is just easier to say “not yet” or “maybe one day.” Yet at the same time there is stabbing sense of horror that I just lied and hid from reality to make it easier for someone else, and sometimes for me too. As always, sending my love your way.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Ugh. Such a shitty situation to be in. I would feel so conflicted by it all too: the need to share and have your babies be a feature of other worlds vs the desire not make others uncomfortable. I hope the time away is giving you the strength you need for healing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I also get this… I just started telling people that we have four, but none that we got to keep. Usually they are uncomfortable and shocked and have no idea what to say. I think I just got to the point where I don’t care, but it took a while with a lot of those questions. I completely understand though why it’s easier to carry on as if the question has no impact.

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  4. Thank you for your support ladies. Its tough but after chatting to friends i think i need to change my answer to “yes and no, its complicated” life is hard and me lying wont change that.
    im just so disappointed in myself for not having the strength to practice what i preach. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. One day you will get that child to keep.. thats my wish for you… strangers will never understand how you feel despite of your answer.. so just say what makes you feel most comfortable.. ive realized changing the answer to a positive one makes me happier.. so I would say ‘soon,very soon’.. when the answer was negative.. I became bitter.. but the positive answer gave me something to look forward to.. even though I didnt know how.. or when..

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  6. Try not to be too hard on yourself though, I completely understand how it could feel like a betrayal to your little ones when you say no, but its tough to find the right words that you feel comfortable saying it will take time same as every other part of the grieving process. Be kind to yourself xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I knew this would come up for you, I thought it even before you’d gone and wondered what you could say in answer, what you should say.
    It’s hard as you are such a naturally positive person so you’re never going to feel comfortable with making other people UNcomfortable or spoiling their positive outlook on what should be “their given” as you say.
    I guess you need to change how you respond though because you’ve got to think of you and how you feel too. It obviously doesn’t sit right with you being quite so dismissive in order to save how other people feel so in some ways why should you. Terrible things happen in life and actually, you might be surprised at what you uncover with others if you’re a little more open. Not easy though in a ‘holiday’ situation when you don’t know them well enough to talk openly and honestly. But you should say what feels more right to you I think. And care just a little less about making them feel okay.
    Very hard and I’m sending you my love and support as always xxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hi Toni,

    Please don’t feel you are betraying your little ones – for those people who you want to have a detailed conversation with you will, for strangers it’s just easier not to. Think of a different example, if you’d only just met people and they asked you how are (I mean anyone, on any day) you would just say “fine thanks, you?”. You may have been having a terrible job, had an argument with your husband, been worried about your job, just thrown up after a hangover – anything! Doesn’t mean you want to go into details, so don’t feel you have to about something so much bigger and more important to you. Maybe just have an answered prepped for if they push – I like the answer the person above gave about having had 4, but none they got to keep – simple, to the point, and unlikely to warrant further questions from strangers!

    Your little ones understand, they don’t care about strangers, they only want you to be ok xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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