How do i feel?

How do i feel?

I don’t know.

On holiday i felt quite strong, only cried once and that was triggered by seeing a 4d scan of my friends baby (he is gorgeous), managed to keep busy, even watched other children play without being devastated.

Ive come home, and within a week, i feel low again.

Today isnt a good day.

Im still really worried about going to work, i thought, on holiday, i was ready but now im home, it frightens me still. My bereavement team, who are wonderful, have advised i wait until after the follow up which is at the end of the month, so I think ill follow the advice.

Despite today being a low day, mostly i seem ok, i think because im not really processing it all. I can tell the story, but its not about me, just someone with my name who lost 2 babies in just over a year.

Im very much in denial most days, it actually almost feels like i was never really pregnant with Millie, like it was just a dream. My body has returned to normal, although i have retained some weight, and with all the mat clothes and baby stuff hidden away, its just like it didnt happen.

When i think about the day we lost her, holding her, saying goodbye, i some times well up but within minutes my brain has shut it down, i cant actually think of it for more than minutes at a time. That makes me sad. 

Perhaps, i need to know what’s happened to process it. Im already anxious about the appointment. There are so many what if’s.

Despite all that, we have decided to try again, in 2016 hopefully. We need time to save up and also time to regain the strength to actually be pregnant again. I miss the innocence and naviety of a healthy pregnancy that goes to term. I cannot ever see me carrying to term, im basically hoping to get to 24 weeks next time, although no mother wants their baby to be born early, its full of risks, the idea that medical professionals will be able to intervene is very appealing.

I have to remind myself that as far as we know, Millie was healthy, which is a step further than Milo. Its the only thing i can hold on to right now. Until we get more answers. I hope they know what happened and can stop it happening again. 

On a more positive note, my fur babies are home and happy. We have a new sofa and arm chair and the room looks much better. I love my blackout blind at the moment as im still struggling with jet lag, sleeping from 4am to 1pm. Its hard to see the new blind in the would be nursery though, i try not to look at it when im in there hanging washing!! 

Ive contacted the crematorium about collecting Millie’s ashes, but as they only had hubby’s signature on file he needs to write me a letter giving permission for me to collect them. Its no big deal, i can understand where they are coming from but it does feel a bit odd having to go in with a letter giving me permission to collect my daughter’s ashes.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


10 thoughts on “How do i feel?

  1. Hang in there toni.. It gets better.. elated that you’re giving it another try.. 2016 is not far off.. but hey have faith and believe.. please do look at options of a cerclage for next time.. or atleast the professionals need to keep a close eye on the cervix.. hope you get some answers at your appointment.. hugss

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you hun. I hope the answer is simple and i already know ill be well looked after if there is a next time.
      I know ill get there eventually but for now my brain seems to be in over protective mode!


  2. I was just thinking about you and then I saw your post. I think it’s normal to need to shut down. I think you will get to a point in the grieving process where that doesn’t happen anymore, but it will just take time. I hope you get answers at your appointment, and I hope whatever it is, it’s easy to fix for next time.

    Have you ever seen a reproductive immunologist? If not, it might be worth getting the extensive panel of testing done, just to be sure there is nothing else going on there before you start trying again. The doctor that I plan on working with says to contact him if you’ve had one late pregnancy loss. Just a suggestion — I’m sure you’re getting plenty of those, so sorry to add to the unsolicited advice pool! Just know that I’m thinking about you and sending hugs to you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thats great advice actually, ive been wondering if there was something i could have done.
      I hope i can feel my feelings soon, feel a bit stuck atm and worried ill return to work and then crumble. Its a catch 22.
      Thanks for your advice lovely x


  3. I know with all you’ve lost, you will never be the same and you have so much grief and emotions to process. I think what you are going through is completely normal in such an atypical situation. Yet, I find myself hoping that you start to experience more says of sunshine in your future. Love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I know it will get better but i feel so….stuck right now! Im sure id be told it is normal in a counselling situation but i worry im taking too long with regards to work etc. Its a horrid cycle.


      1. Ive quit 2 jobs as it got too much (before and during ivf) and i do love my job and hope to have the strength to go back soon, but itll be mud June at the earliest i think.


  4. Think you’re amazing Toni. Grief is so strange – I feel v similarly after my dad’s very traumatic death a year ago. I can ‘peep’ at the memories from behind my hands, but then my brain shuts them down almost immediately. It’s self preservation and the brain is clever in that way – there is a time and a place (in counselling) to break down the barriers, but in everyday life we need the protection of denial. Don’t rush work – I’m so glad you love your job, but do everything at your own pace – there is no ‘ought to’ or ‘should do’ in this situation. Just show yourself the kindness you would anyone else going through a personal tragedy. I
    Quit my job over much less, so I know how hard it can be.
    I really hope you get answers soon re: Millie, and I feel so happy and hopeful that you are going to try again. Sending much love xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you lovely lady! Youre right about self preservation and i think counselling may be in order in the next few weeks.
      Im not going to rush back, i need more time and answers before i can begin to process this i think.
      Trying again is terrifying atm but at least its the start of a plan. Xxx


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