I don’t know.
On holiday i felt quite strong, only cried once and that was triggered by seeing a 4d scan of my friends baby (he is gorgeous), managed to keep busy, even watched other children play without being devastated.
Ive come home, and within a week, i feel low again.
Today isnt a good day.
Im still really worried about going to work, i thought, on holiday, i was ready but now im home, it frightens me still. My bereavement team, who are wonderful, have advised i wait until after the follow up which is at the end of the month, so I think ill follow the advice.
Despite today being a low day, mostly i seem ok, i think because im not really processing it all. I can tell the story, but its not about me, just someone with my name who lost 2 babies in just over a year.
Im very much in denial most days, it actually almost feels like i was never really pregnant with Millie, like it was just a dream. My body has returned to normal, although i have retained some weight, and with all the mat clothes and baby stuff hidden away, its just like it didnt happen.
When i think about the day we lost her, holding her, saying goodbye, i some times well up but within minutes my brain has shut it down, i cant actually think of it for more than minutes at a time. That makes me sad.
Perhaps, i need to know what’s happened to process it. Im already anxious about the appointment. There are so many what if’s.
Despite all that, we have decided to try again, in 2016 hopefully. We need time to save up and also time to regain the strength to actually be pregnant again. I miss the innocence and naviety of a healthy pregnancy that goes to term. I cannot ever see me carrying to term, im basically hoping to get to 24 weeks next time, although no mother wants their baby to be born early, its full of risks, the idea that medical professionals will be able to intervene is very appealing.
I have to remind myself that as far as we know, Millie was healthy, which is a step further than Milo. Its the only thing i can hold on to right now. Until we get more answers. I hope they know what happened and can stop it happening again.
On a more positive note, my fur babies are home and happy. We have a new sofa and arm chair and the room looks much better. I love my blackout blind at the moment as im still struggling with jet lag, sleeping from 4am to 1pm. Its hard to see the new blind in the would be nursery though, i try not to look at it when im in there hanging washing!!
Ive contacted the crematorium about collecting Millie’s ashes, but as they only had hubby’s signature on file he needs to write me a letter giving permission for me to collect them. Its no big deal, i can understand where they are coming from but it does feel a bit odd having to go in with a letter giving me permission to collect my daughter’s ashes.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx