She deserves more…

She deserves more…

Today i collected Millie’s ashes from the crematorium. It was all very formal, handed over my letter from hubby, signed a form and was passed a box covered in a velvet bag.

I went back to the car, decided i didnt want to go home and so drove to work to say hello.

1 tear fell from one eye. That’s it. 1 tear for my daughter.

She deserves more….

I know that its my brains way of protecting me, that its OK that i havent reacted as you would expect, but at the same time, i feel i am letting my little girl down.

Ive had mostly low days since the holiday, but the last 2 days ive gone back to numb. Like a robot, nothing sinks in, makes an impact, computes. I just carry on. I know im not doing well, the low days are really tough, but with being so disassociated i feel im not giving Millie’s memory what it deserves. 

Ive decided i want a rose gold ring, to wear on the same finger as Milo’s ring, but havent done anything.

We will name a star for her, near her brother, but havent done anything.

I want to accept this is my lot, but i cannot. 

A friend had lunch with someone we used to work with and was explaining what had happened to me since leaving the job and when this person heard i had lost 2 babies, she said “when will she accept she cant have kids and move on?” 

I cant blame her for saying it, before we lost Millie i said myself, if we lose this baby, ill not try again. And then we lost her, and i knew within days i wanted to try again. I dont know why. Its madness. So much could happen, so much risk. But if it goes well, imagine the joy, a mini us, to love uncondtionally. I couldnt understand why ladies who lost so much, over and over again, kept trying, now i do. 

Life throws so much at you, that from one day to the next your opinions and influences change. Ive learnt that you just never know how you are going to react until you have to. I never saw myself having a termination (having always been pro choice), but then Milo was poorly and it was the kindest thing to do. I never dreamed i would lose Millie the way we did, but it happened. I always thought id be OK about adoption, but right now im not.

I hoped today would open the emotional floodgates, but it didnt. She deserves more from me.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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20 thoughts on “She deserves more…

  1. I don’t think there is any right or wrong way to deal with what happened, you just need to take each day as it comes.
    As for what was said about giving up, I don’t know the way it was said or who this person is but it felt wrong to me that someone would say that.
    Always here.
    C.x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. She was never my biggest fan so im not overly bothered and it went well to illustrate my point, she doesnt know what its like so cannot understand my reasoning, i was the same until it happened to me. X

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  2. Ah Toni. It breaks my heart reading your post. You really sound like you are giving yourself a hard time. There is no right or wrong way to deal with these situations. You just manage the only way you can. I think you are doing amazing and certainly ARE doing Millie proud wether you think it or not. I also would never give up on my dream so I don’t blame you for wanting to try again. I think of you often and your darling babies. Lots of love xx

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  3. My mom’s best friend was able to have her first child, a girl, with no issues then they started trying for the second…she had 5 miscarriages early on (5-16 weeks) before the docs figured out she had a blood disorder. Then, they started her on medicine & she got pregnant and lost her baby girl at 36 weeks because the cord was too long…she kept trying and now she has a little boy. Don’t give up.

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  4. That old workmate is awful. Who says those kinds of things??? You do what you need to do. Fuck everyone else and their stupid comments. In relation to everythung else I am sure there will be some weird moment where you do something innocuous like knock over a glass of milk amd it sets you off. It might be tomorrow, next week, next month or next year but from my experience with emotions it WILL happen. Wishing you only good things.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahhh shes not worth getting upset over and managed to illustrate my point quite beautifully!
      Im sure itll happen too although im still to have a melt down over Milo so perhaps this is just how i deal with grief, by not dealing with it. X

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  5. I think one of the most frustrating things is when others pass judgement when they truly have no idea what the other person is going through. I know it happens, and it seems to happen all the time. But, it’s just so unnecessary!
    Also, I think it’s great that you know yourself well enough to know that you want to try again. I’ll be hoping and wishing the absolute best for you whenever you start trying again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Life is full of people judging others but the trick is not to care!! Shes not worth my time!
      It will be some time, as i flip flop all over the place about how i feel about trying again. Perhaps the follow up will shed some light…
      Thank you for always having encouraging words x

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  6. OMG your coworker. What an insensitive B! And as far as the grieving/not grieving goes, however you feel is ok. Millie knows you love her, so she’s not going to mind if you’re not sobbing 24/7. I think what she’d want most is for you to be ok. And you will be, with time. Just take each day as it comes. Above all, please try to be kind to yourself — you deserve so much kindness right now, my friend.

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    1. Thank you. I am mostly ok, until i realise im too ok and panic! Im just working through 1 day at a time for now, waiting for results to see what that brings with it! Xx

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  7. I’m so pleased to hear you’re not giving up And please stop quantifying your grief – it’s the most personal thing you can experience. Perhaps this is the way you deal with it.
    Imo, trying again, continuing to strive, chasing and fulfilling that dream, is the best way to honour your babies memories.
    Continuing to send you strength xxxxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ahhh thank you hun. Some days i wish i could give up but im not one for backing down
      I am going to see about getting counselling, at least then i know ive tried to feel what i think i should be, although i appreciate there is no right and wrong xxx

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  8. I agree with the other ladies here..there is no right or wrong way to deal with what you have been dealt. I hope you find peace soon and a way up and out of it my dear. When one day at a time seems like too much, try one hour at a time. Again, so sorry you are going through this…glad you are not giving up! I am not throwing in the towel yet either.

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