Today i collected Millie’s ashes from the crematorium. It was all very formal, handed over my letter from hubby, signed a form and was passed a box covered in a velvet bag.
I went back to the car, decided i didnt want to go home and so drove to work to say hello.
1 tear fell from one eye. That’s it. 1 tear for my daughter.
She deserves more….
I know that its my brains way of protecting me, that its OK that i havent reacted as you would expect, but at the same time, i feel i am letting my little girl down.
Ive had mostly low days since the holiday, but the last 2 days ive gone back to numb. Like a robot, nothing sinks in, makes an impact, computes. I just carry on. I know im not doing well, the low days are really tough, but with being so disassociated i feel im not giving Millie’s memory what it deserves.
Ive decided i want a rose gold ring, to wear on the same finger as Milo’s ring, but havent done anything.
We will name a star for her, near her brother, but havent done anything.
I want to accept this is my lot, but i cannot.
A friend had lunch with someone we used to work with and was explaining what had happened to me since leaving the job and when this person heard i had lost 2 babies, she said “when will she accept she cant have kids and move on?”
I cant blame her for saying it, before we lost Millie i said myself, if we lose this baby, ill not try again. And then we lost her, and i knew within days i wanted to try again. I dont know why. Its madness. So much could happen, so much risk. But if it goes well, imagine the joy, a mini us, to love uncondtionally. I couldnt understand why ladies who lost so much, over and over again, kept trying, now i do.
Life throws so much at you, that from one day to the next your opinions and influences change. Ive learnt that you just never know how you are going to react until you have to. I never saw myself having a termination (having always been pro choice), but then Milo was poorly and it was the kindest thing to do. I never dreamed i would lose Millie the way we did, but it happened. I always thought id be OK about adoption, but right now im not.
I hoped today would open the emotional floodgates, but it didnt. She deserves more from me.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx