How do you stop TTC? (Trying to concieve)

How do you stop TTC? (Trying to concieve)

Well the obvious answer is stop having sex or go on the pill, but i don’t mean the actual physical act of trying to get pregnant, i mean the mind set.

Its officially been 6 years since hubby and i started trying to conceive, the 1st year i didn’t pay much attention, the 2nd year we were under a fertility specialist and on clomid so i learnt how to work out my cycle length, my luteal phase and when i roughly ovulated, the 3rd year i was starting IVF and that brings us up to date as I’m STILL doing IVF despite my 2 pregnancies.

Over the years, you learn to know your own body and can tell what its doing at each part of the month/cycle. And then you have a termination for medical reasons and it all changes. After Milo, i knew i was ovulating as i was in pain, this happened until i fell pregnant with Millie. This time, my 1st period came out of no where, ok yes id been heavily spotting for days before, but as that was a new one on me, i wasn’t sure what it meant and presumed it was due to the miscarriage, there were no cramps to warn me, which is unusual for me.

I vowed id give myself a year off, not think about cycles, ovulation, timed intercourse. Id just have a year to heal, lets face it, i don’t need to know all these signs as i cant get pregnant traditionally anyway, so why on earth am i totally aware of where i am in my cycle, when we had sex, when i ovulated and I’m now on countdown to my period arriving (2 week wait), or not. But it will. Its always does.

                                                                            
This for me is torture. Its also a very scary thought, who am i when I’m not planning a baby or IVF cycle or which vitamins we should both be on?

Im a project person, i need to plan. We thought about moving house after we lost Millie but as we need to save for more IVF it makes financial sense to stay where we are. Theres a bit of decorating to do but i hate decorating so that wont occupy me for long.

We have decided to have more weekends away, do things i cant when pregnant; trampolining, indoor skydiving, theme parks, pate, wine, soft cheese, steak…but it wont stop me knowing and stupidly hoping that i might just fall pregnant. Why oh why do i do this to myself?

The strange thing is i know I’m not alone, loads of IVFers who have unexplained fertility or those who have tubes, ovaries and live sperm still try every month they are not cycling, we all greedily read those stories about women who fall pregnant naturally before or after IVF treatment and hope that one day, soon, it’ll happen to us.

But 6 years later I’m still waiting for that natural miracle. Its not going to happen. So why do i still hope?

And there we have the answer as to why i cant stop…because there is hope. Ok it wont happen traditionally, so I AM stupid for thinking every month “this might be the month” BUT i have been pregnant twice so how i can stop, when next time might be the one we bring home? I just know id wonder “what if” if i went on the pill or didn’t try IVF again. And so really i don’t have to figure out who i am when not trying to conceive, because I’ll never stop, because despite it all, there is still hope.

All the above has been said when i am in complete denial about losing Millie, at a time where i cant really remember being pregnant, when her photo doesn’t correspond with the image in my head, where its a story i can tell about someone with my name but the true horror and tragedy of it all doesn’t sink in at all and i only know its horrific from the look on other peoples faces. 

So it could all change when i process this healthily.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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13 thoughts on “How do you stop TTC? (Trying to concieve)

  1. I really wish I could just give you a hug right now! I’m the same with my body, even though I know it will never happen each month I cry when my period starts or get excited if it’s a day late. Funnily enough we’re doing that; everything you can’t do when you have children and it really does help, but nothing seems to stop that itch for your natural miracle. All the best hunny xx love Hayley

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you lovely. Im glad the doing what you cant when pregnant bucket list is helping, im hoping we will find the same.
      Its annoying our bodies trick us into hoping and getting excited but im exactly the same, spotting symptoms that arent there and then being shocked when AF arrives!!
      Take care and keep up the PMA when you can x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Never give up hope Toni, We have been ttc for 10 years and although everything at the moment is okay I still have hope that after this baby we will be able to give him/her a brother or sister through a natural pregnancy. Us ivf ladies if we haven’t got hope what do we have…. Stay positive and hope and pray that when you feel ready you will get your take home baby.
    Sending hugs
    Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I haven’t been trying as long as you Toni but I so now what you mean about the hope, the signs, the oh I could be like that person in the paper that just got pregnant when they weren’t thinking about it, calculating the ovulation each month and secretly keeping the fingers crossed…. I do think that doing some of the things that you can’t or aren’t as easy to as a parent helps… hugs Toni, you are so brave and strong. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The mindset is the hardest. I say don’t push the little glimmers of hope that maybe this is the month away until you are a ready. Hope is always a great thing in my mind. One day you might start hoping for something different, and that’s okay too. But give yourself time to let it happen organically.
    Sending you love my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you lovely.
      I like im still hopeful, despite it all, but id like a break from the monthly rollercoaster at times. The instinct just wont die down.
      Ill take it slowly, ive a lot going on right now and need to allow myself time (my current mantra)
      Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Toni. I think it is totally normal to think how you are. I did exactly the same thing for years. You can’t help it. It’s your default setting and horrible. I couldn’t plan my future just incase I might be pregnant etc. it leaves you in limbo land. Trying naturally won’t do any harm, only emotional toture every month. But you are not alone Hun. Thinking of you xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know, i torture myself, we all do. Its horrid. But theres that 1% chance we may get pg naturally…even tonight ive analysed every twinge just in case! Horrid cycle, i managed 2 months of my 12 months off. Well done me. Not. Ho hum, back to symptom spotting x

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  6. Oh Toni. I wish I could do something, help in some way. Your words really ring true. Hubby cannot have children. His various tests have show a complete lack of sperm… but it didn’t ever stop me from wondering, hoping that they would somehow, in some type of miracle, that they would suddenly start producing and I would fall pregnant. And yes, you are right. It is because us IVF ladies are strong enough to have hope. I will never stop having hope for you…I honestly believe that you will be a mummy. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

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