We have answers, but no further forward

We have answers, but no further forward

We met with our consultant on Friday to discuss the post mortem and other results. As suspected it was an infection that killed our little girl. The current thoughts are that my cervix is incompetent, opened slightly, let the infection in, which spread to her throat and lungs. There was nothing that could be done to save her.

There is no way to stop it happening again either, its 50/50. It was just bad luck….again.

A new care plan will be put into place if/when we try again, including cervix monitoring and antibiotics if there are any causes for concern.

As i didn’t know last time, i.e. had no symptoms, its a pretty scary thought that it could happen again unbeknownst to me. We will be well supported and I’ve been encouraged to access the MAU (Maternity Assesment Unit) as much as we want next time, as I’m usually one for not bothering people.

We talked about our recovery too…i explained that i still feel really disconnected from the situation and I’m starting to get slightly depressed, this seemed to sound alarms bells for the consultant and our bereavement team who are now fast tracking me for bereavement counselling but want me to get in touch with the GP and get antidepressants sorted.

I kinda expected all of the above, well i thought it’d be infection but i thought it’d have a name and be easy to stop happening again, turns out the infection was so unusual that the lab couldn’t culture it, but there was evidence in her throat and lungs, hence knowing for sure what happened. It still hasn’t hit me though how tragic and sad all of this is, or that I’m talking about my baby, my life, my story.

The whole appointment i felt a fraud, like i was there for a friend, hearing information i shouldn’t really be privy to. Its very bizarre and i “should” be out of the denial stage now, its been 10 weeks this week.

My bereavement team (V or E from now on, bereavement takes ages to type) called today to check up on me, and i can happily chat, until I’m asked how I feel about something and then i cant answer because i really don’t know. I do know the counselling will help, with a defined hour to talk about it all and really concentrate on breaking down those barriers, i will move forward but until then I’m to stay off work, utilise V or E whenever i want, they’d like me to come in for a chat but as I’m anxious about leaving the house without hubby its unlikely I’ll take them up on it, for now anyway.

Im very clinical at the moment and i appreciate that makes hard reading but i cant tell you or myself how i feel, i just don’t know, its very strange as I’m usually so sure of myself.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


18 thoughts on “We have answers, but no further forward

  1. Sending you love my friend. I am so sad to hear that an infection took the life of your little girl. I am sad that you are struggling so much right now, but honestly, I think it’s normal that you are having a tough time with everything. I hope you are able to get some time with a good counsellor very soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m thinking of you. Every day I think of you and can’t begin to comprehend how you are supposed to deal with such sadness and tragedy. Continuing to send you strength xxxxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Mim, day to day im ok, just cant think about it for more than a few minutes at a time before my brain moves on. I feel a bit of a fraud tbh as im not sad or angry or lost im just…nothing xxx


  3. Hi Toni. I’m glad you finally have an answer. Although not a definite one it’s defiantly an answer. Something that you were unable to stop happening. It sounds like if you plan another baby you will be closely monitored so that’s great. Thinking of you. X

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh gosh. On one hand, I’m glad you finally have an answer and can possibly get some peace from this. On the other, I’m sad that it’s more of a luck thing for future pregnancies. I’m really so sorry this happened to you, I can’t imagine how you are feeling. I hope you feel a little better though now you have the news. Sending lots of hugs and strength xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks lovely. Its a starting point but its still not got the process moving for me in terms of grieving. Hopefully counselling will help with that.
      Hope you and Scarlett are keeping well xx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Don’t be hard on yourself. 10 weeks really isn’t that long and it is your second loss. These thing compound. That is great that they are responsive to you and trying to fast track everything. Perfect. So frustrating that the answer isn’t simple and easily manageable for future. I feel your pain around that.

    Liked by 1 person

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