So I’ve been feeling pretty guilty about not working as most days i function alright physically, and mentally, although I’m not dealing with losing Millie, I’m pretty much ok. Now i know my colleagues will be hopping mad I’ve been thinking this way as there is no pressure from them to return, I’m sure any of them reading this, is all ready to message me telling me to not worry about it etc, rest assured i know you support me, its my own personal work ethic that does this to me.
Today i proved to myself I’m not ready…despite GPs and consultants and midwives telling me I’m not ready, i still felt guilty, now i don’t.
Ive spoken about anxiety before, but it was all from memory really, i hadn’t suffered with a major anxiety attack for a while….until now!
I called the GP this morning to arrange my antidepressants prescription which was fine, but i had to collect it. I didn’t want to go out but knew i had to, so got ready and thought as the GP is near the supermarket, ill get some bits. I wrote a very short list as i knew i wouldn’t want to stay long.
I was dreading the 5 minute drive to the surgery but it had to be done, so i put on Taylor Swift and sang along as that often relaxes me. The drive was fine although the rear view mirror was doing my head in as it didn’t look right wherever i positioned it. (Anxiety is building but I’ve not noticed it yet)
Anyway, collected prescription, went to pharmacy, all good. Got back in the car to go supermarket and realised i was finding driving overwhelming. Remember when you’re first learning and you’ve no idea how your feet, arms and eyes are all meant to act independently but in coordination? That was me, but it was a short drive so I made it.
1st almost meltdown was over the trolley. It took me 6 attempts to find one that would release, this made me furious and i was going to track down the store manager and give him what for, i mean how are the elderly or disabled meant to fight with these bloody trollies if i cant manage them?!!!
2nd almost meltdown was over toothpaste (my 1st meltdown forgotten), none were on offer and i really struggled to make a decision over which one to actually pick. I did get some but i must’ve looked at them for 10 minutes first!
Walking around i found i was becoming increasingly shaky and feeling really overwhelmed, i knew i needed to get out and with only 2 more items on my list i was nearly done. Made it round and back to the car. Still massively overwhelmed with driving, mirror, signal, manoeuvre, gears, all had to be thought about as opposed to just happening.
I get home and park up, bring shopping inside and instead of putting it away, i began to attend to the washing, got distracted and opened back door for cats, realised washing needed to go in the dryer. Theres still bedding in the dryer from the other day, nearly cried as it shouldn’t be there. Begin taking it out but remember meds are in the car so pop out to collect them. Doors in the house are banging as I’ve left back door open and the front which caused a wind tunnel. Close back door. Put wet washing in dryer, get distracted, end up in lounge replying to texts. Remember rest of washing so go hang that up and collect new load, which i have actually managed to put into the machine!! (Quite proud of myself for not getting distracted again)
As an administrator by profession, I’m very process led, meaning that i always finish a task before starting a new one, at work or at home. So to chop and change like i did shows me I’m not well/not myself. I cant keep on point, as soon as another thought pops into my head, i have to act on it. All the while shaking and dithering and struggling to remember where I’m up to.
This for me is anxiety. Its different for everyone who suffers with it, but i think we would all say it takes over everything when it hits.
Ive read that back and its all over the place, because it was written in the throws of anxiety, I’m calmer now and can see how anxious I’ve been and why i really do need to stay at home, let the meds kick in and do some serious ‘me’ work.
Self realisation, thats the trick!
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx