things can only get better….right?! 

things can only get better….right?! 

Ok so I’m 2 weeks in to using the antidepressants, i wasn’t expecting much as i opted for the lower dose, and its good that i had low expectations, as they really are doing sweet F.A. Well no, thats not fair, they are giving me a slight lift. I know this as i can feel myself ‘coming down’ when the affects wear off. They are not dampening my anxiety though, i struggled round the supermarket again, even though hubby was there. They are in no way allowing me to access my feelings surrounding Millie, but then i guess only counselling will help with that.The last few days have been tough. My eating has dropped to practically zero. Im getting no more than 600-800 calories a day. I have no appetite. The thought of food makes me nauseated. I shake like a leaf most of the time. Im weak and achey. I feel like s**t if I’m honest. This annoys me as really there is only me to blame, i try really hard to eat, i really do, but it holds no interest and I’m full within a few bites. Ive spent the weekend vomiting, even water, its not pleasant.

My Mum told me that she feels guilty she hasn’t been able to support me of late, my Gran has been in hospital/unwell pretty much since we lost Millie and my Mum adores her Mum. Its the way we operate as a family, deal with the crisis in hand, and come back to the emotions later. Im not mad about it, I’ve just kept myself away from the situation because to be honest, i don’t have the capacity for it right now. I hope they understand why I’m keeping to myself. Don’t get me wrong, i talk to them 5 days out of 7 so I’m kept abreast of all the happenings, i do care, i just cant get myself embroiled with it all right now.

Im still very content in my 4 walls, which isn’t like me, Netflix has become new best friend. Its worrying really as I’m quite the social creature normally. I have seen a few friends over the weekend, which was nice, especially seeing M (my friend who got pregnant the same day as me) in all her bumpalicious glory. It was the first time we had seen each other since my loss, but it went well, i wasn’t jealous, or sad, or anything really. I was just pleased to see her and her hubby. She was telling me all about the third trimester and man it does not sound fun, at all!!!! Im so grateful to have them in my life and that the whole mess that is my life hasn’t affected our friendship. Shes a good egg.

Back at the GP later this week to extend my sick note and discuss the meds, hopefully an adjustment will help across the board.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


12 thoughts on “things can only get better….right?! 

  1. Hey sweet lady, I really hope you get access to some counselling, and start working through those emotions. Try and look after yourself, for your DH at least. (((Hugs)))

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sad that you are still struggling so much, yet I totally understand it. I think I’ve said it before, but I know for me, not returning to work after our 4th loss was the best thing I ever did – I didn’t know it at the time, but now, looking back, I needed that time to focus on me and my health and our family. I hope you start to feel more like yourself in the days and weeks to come.
    Also, I love that you have such a beautiful friendship and that the two of you are continuing to nurture that friendship through everything.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello lovely lady.
      Day to day im ok, just struggle to go out or make decisions. I am having some low days though i guess. I know i cant rush going back to work but without an eventual return, saving for IVF will be nigh on impossible.
      Im very lucky to have M, shes been so supportive and kind, and so sensitive to my needs, its rare so im very grateful x


  3. Hey toni.i wanna share a personal story with sil has been struggling to conceive for years.she has unexplained infertility but couldnt afford to go through ivf.finally she had after 4 years a miracle BFP.everything went well until the day she gave birth. The baby was born with a rare disorder in his lungs and he lived for couple of days only.she went through hell ,depression,uncontrolled crying.after three months she just took a desicion to rise again she stopped her meds and now She is trying her first round of ivf.i wish u ll find ur own strenght and never ever give up hope.u ll be a mother one day.((hugs and kisses))

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yes, it definitely sounds like a med tweak is in order! I hope they can get you on a different dosage or type soon. I’m so sorry to hear about your gran, too. Do you think you’ll be able to see a counselor soon? I started seeing one after my mom died and she has really helped me through that and my miscarriages and infertility. I am so sorry that you are still in hell over there. I think about you all the time!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I really hope the counselling wont be much longer as i could do with getting started asap. I saw one after Milo and it did really help although i was in a much better place then than i am now. Xx


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