Ok so I’m 2 weeks in to using the antidepressants, i wasn’t expecting much as i opted for the lower dose, and its good that i had low expectations, as they really are doing sweet F.A. Well no, thats not fair, they are giving me a slight lift. I know this as i can feel myself ‘coming down’ when the affects wear off. They are not dampening my anxiety though, i struggled round the supermarket again, even though hubby was there. They are in no way allowing me to access my feelings surrounding Millie, but then i guess only counselling will help with that.The last few days have been tough. My eating has dropped to practically zero. Im getting no more than 600-800 calories a day. I have no appetite. The thought of food makes me nauseated. I shake like a leaf most of the time. Im weak and achey. I feel like s**t if I’m honest. This annoys me as really there is only me to blame, i try really hard to eat, i really do, but it holds no interest and I’m full within a few bites. Ive spent the weekend vomiting, even water, its not pleasant.
My Mum told me that she feels guilty she hasn’t been able to support me of late, my Gran has been in hospital/unwell pretty much since we lost Millie and my Mum adores her Mum. Its the way we operate as a family, deal with the crisis in hand, and come back to the emotions later. Im not mad about it, I’ve just kept myself away from the situation because to be honest, i don’t have the capacity for it right now. I hope they understand why I’m keeping to myself. Don’t get me wrong, i talk to them 5 days out of 7 so I’m kept abreast of all the happenings, i do care, i just cant get myself embroiled with it all right now.
Im still very content in my 4 walls, which isn’t like me, Netflix has become new best friend. Its worrying really as I’m quite the social creature normally. I have seen a few friends over the weekend, which was nice, especially seeing M (my friend who got pregnant the same day as me) in all her bumpalicious glory. It was the first time we had seen each other since my loss, but it went well, i wasn’t jealous, or sad, or anything really. I was just pleased to see her and her hubby. She was telling me all about the third trimester and man it does not sound fun, at all!!!! Im so grateful to have them in my life and that the whole mess that is my life hasn’t affected our friendship. Shes a good egg.
Back at the GP later this week to extend my sick note and discuss the meds, hopefully an adjustment will help across the board.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx