Is this ‘feeling’?

Is this ‘feeling’?

So, the side effects of the anti depressants seem to be levelling out. My sleep pattern has normalised albeit having a few long sleeps to catch up on what i missed. I haven’t suffered with crippling anxiety in about a week, but i have avoided trigger situations, I’m ordering food online rather than going to the supermarket.
My anxiety does peak when i think about being denied a further sick note though. Im just not sure i could cope with multitasking yet. Im still struggling with decision making, i need hubby to check the shopping order as i always forget something/never trust my decisions. The thought of answering phones, typing, filing, answering the door, prioritising work all fill me with dread.

Despite the side effects levelling off I’ve found myself feeling pretty low the last few days. Nothing in particular is making itself known but i just feel lethargic, low, quiet, helpless, occasionally hopeless.

Perhaps I’m starting to ‘feel’ now?

Yesterday was my second counselling session and after a good hours chat, we surmised I’m very good at talking in facts and figures but not at talking about my feelings. My counsellor feels the walls i have built date back to being referred to IVF and that we need to start there….(this could take years!!!!!) Im glad she agrees my feelings are buried deep down behind this wall as it means i was right, I’m not afraid to deal with them, but right now i cannot access them.

I think from now on the sessions will become more difficult as we try to chip away at that wall. I did explain that i could sit and think about how i feel for a specified amount of time and still come up empty. Right now, i don’t know how on earth ill break down this wall I’ve been building for years, if indeed thats the case. Heres me thinking id handled things quite well, accepted that IVF was part and parcel of my life, i thought i had processed Milo’s death quite well, i thought Millie was the trigger, but perhaps, I’ve been in denial all along. Desperate to push forward and not think too much about crappy the hand we have been dealt?

Im still of the opinion that no amount of crying, moaning or feeling sorry for myself is going to change the situation but i do acknowledge i need to experience those feelings in order to move forward.

Its daunting, to think of how much work there is to do, how many feelings i may not have felt over the years, but as always, the only way out is through.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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5 thoughts on “Is this ‘feeling’?

  1. I am so glad that you have a counsellor who is willing to work through everything with you. You are right, breaking down that wall is going to be hard work, but with the right person walking the road with you, I think it will be manageable work.
    Sending you love my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your counsellor sounds great and although it t might take a while, like you say the only way is through! But by bit you will chip away at that wall. Keep going strong lady! We are supporting you all the way! X

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi toni,
    I came across your blog again after a while away, I was so so deeply sad to hear about Millie. Virtual hugs from a total stranger. I really hope you continue to find your Counselling helpful, it’s a bloody tough process sometimes. Please do go at your own pace, I’m sure your counsellor won’t rush you along but sometimes we can be so impatient to be ‘sorted’ that we can go too quickly than we’re really ready for. Those walls you’ve built up have served you really well and kept part of you safe from the hideousness of ivf and losing loved little ones, it’s great that you are starting to contemplate dismantling them slowly but don’t think you haven’t coped well throughout your difficult journey, you’ve done fantastically. (If what I’ve said doesn’t chime with you, please ignore and I apologise!) Love Georgina xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Thats so very lovely of you. Im a bit worried ive just bottled it all up but youre right, it had to be done to get through the years.
      I will take the counselling slow as i want to be sure im ok when we eventually do IVF again.
      Thank you again, your comment has lifted my day a little xx

      Like

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