Its hard to put into words

Its hard to put into words

Im finding it hard to blog at the moment. I come up with some interesting stuff, but its forgotten in a heartbeat as i still cannot focus on any 1 subject for any length of time.

Ive been struggling with my meds, they only hold me for about 7-9hrs and then i crash. The weight of everything we have yet to come hits me with surprising force. Not what has happened, but what is to come. My meds have been increased as of today so fingers crossed ill see an improvement soon, but as always, ill probably go down before i come back up/level out. 

I got my final sick note today, so in a months time, I’m going back to work. I don’t know yet if ill do a staged return, but I’m all set for gearing up to it now.

The counselling has revealed to me some surprising things.

Im quite cross about certain things, in particular the baby clothes, moses basket, play mats, steriliser kit, toys, etc that are currently stored in my walk in wardrobe, stuff i bought with such high hopes, with such great expectations, stuff I’m not convinced ill ever get to use.

I also don’t consider myself a parent, and get quite upset if someone insists I’m a Mum. To me, a Mum is someone who guides and helps shape the life of a small person. Despite having two babies, i do not feel like a Mummy. Ive suffered no sleepless nights, imparted no wisdom, heard no cry, changed no nappies. I am a bereaved parent, and i don’t like that.

Another surprising revelation is that I’m wholly convinced i killed both my children and even if I’m lucky enough to have a live baby one day, I’ve lost all my confidence with regards to caring for a newborn.

Ive always been very comfortable around babies of any age. They have never scared me, i just got on with it. But now? Im terrified of all the things i have no control of. I feel i cant see anyone when the baby comes, because if someone pointed out i was doing something wrong, id lose all confidence. I also need to prove to myself i can keep a newborn alive. Im so worried about SIDS, breaking the babies neck by not holding them properly, falling asleep and smothering the baby, PND and not bonding with baby, being a terrible Mum who is unable to cope with the stress of a newborn, the list goes on.

My homework from counselling this week was to focus on my feelings of guilt surrounding the death of my children. I do blame myself, for them both. Milo i can justify to myself, he wasn’t a well baby, could’ve died upon delivery, or during the operations, or from a completely unrelated virus he may not have been strong enough to fight.

With regards to Millie, what sort of mother doesn’t know when their child is in distress? How did i not know that i had an infection that would eventually kill her? Why did my body give me no warning of what was happening? I killed my daughter, because i didn’t pay enough attention, didn’t act quickly enough, was too blasé about the aches and pains i felt that day. I will live with this guilt forever and I’m not sure anyone will persuade me different.

The future petrifies me. The thought of going through IVF and a pregnancy literally makes me shake. Its so overwhelming. Usually when doing a cycle of IVF i feel mainly positive as I’m making an effort towards my take home baby dream, but now, it fills with me with dread. The actual IVF will be easy enough, but seeing those 2 lines on a pregnancy test, will mark the beginning of what i am sure is to be the most worrisome time of my life, speckled with fear and terror that any day could be the day i lose it.

In my mind, ill never get past 21 weeks gestation. If i do, the fear of losing them later and later in the pregnancy is rife, how will i cope with that? If by some miracle we get to have a live baby, I’m not sure ill believe its mine. I don’t have live babies. Im going to seem like a total loon to the staff, I’m sure of it. And then, if we get through all that, I’m then responsible for this tiny little person, i have to keep them alive!!!!!!!!

Its too much, its so overwhelming, and I’m still not able to ‘feel’ what has already happened…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


22 thoughts on “Its hard to put into words

      1. That’s what’s important – that you’re taking care of yourself and working on not staying in a low place too long. I had to learn that for myself in counseling last year. Hoping you have more ups than downs!

        Liked by 2 people

  1. I echo Wifey’s thoughts. I’m so sorry that you are struggling, and I am also so hopeful that with the help you are now getting you will find your confidence once again. You are always in my thoughts, and I am always hoping tomorrow brings you more happiness.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I cant begin to imagine how you feel but theres one point Ive had to come to terms with. To me, being a mum meant giving birth and raising that baby. But ive realised be a mum you dont have to give birth to the child, you raising them makes you a parent no matter what. If it comes to it and you decide adoption is the way forward remember this comment. It may not be right now but maybe, in time you’ll see it too. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. If it does come to adoption me and my husband should gave gone through it all by then so feel free to ask if you want any advice. X

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Toni, you are in my thoughts often. We had our 2ww at the same time last November and I remember your kindness and particularly strength and positivity considering what you had already been through then. I know that will come back, in time, but it will. Take care lovely lady xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Just wanted to send you the hugest hug. I am sorry you are feeling so low at the minute but it sounds as if the counselling is doing its job. There are big cliffs to climb but you will reach the top and one day there will be the most spectacular view to behold – whatever shape that takes. Keeping you in my thoughts xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Just wanted to say you are not a bad mum – and in fact I’m sure you’re a far better mum than millions of women who have had uncomplicated pregnancies and healthy babies. You’ve just been majorly unlucky – and then majorly unlucky again. You didn’t ignore the signs. You were trying not to be neurotic, and then when things did concern you, you went to get checked out. Even if you had been neurotic, I’m certain you’d just have been told to ‘keep an eye on things’ and come back only if it got worse – so nothing would’ve changed. It all happened so quickly, i don’t think there’s anything you could’ve done.
    I totally understand the fear – it’s going to be the most terrifying thing to do it all again. But I hope with all my heart that it will be worth it if you do decide to go down that route.
    I hope the rerun to work goes well in the meantime and will be less daunting than you’re expecting. Much love xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much hun. Its just so much to wrap my head around just now, i just dont understand any of it. I thought itd be so easy, once i got pregnant. I will indeed try again because of the ‘what if’ factor, but right now i avoid thinking about it!!
      Im sure my return to work will be made as easy as it can be, im very lucky xx


  6. I don’t know what to say beyond how deeply sorry I am for the dark days (and there are so many dark days when we have lost our babies) and that I so wish you wouldn’t blame yourself for Millie or Milo. It isn’t your fault. In either case. I get why you feel that way. I just wish it were not so for your sake and hope the counselling helps with those feelings and the deep-seated fears they evoke. Having finally brought home our babies I can say that the fear of loss never goes away even after they survived life in my killer womb. I can also say not a day goes by when I am afraid something will happen and take it all away because I am not good enough or I wasn’t meant to get away with this. The destruction of our confidence that comes with loss is huge and runs deep. I am so sorry it is affecting you that way too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so so much for your understanding. Its so helpful to know i am not alone in my feelings. My heart breaks for you though, no one should feel this way. I truly hope your fears ease over time, because you so deserve those babies, you really do.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Toni u give so much good advise n kind words to others that u need to listen to them too it breaks my heart to hear u say u didn’t do ur best for Millie n milo. To be a mum it means to do what’s right for ur child putting them first when u know it will break ur heart n that’s what u did for milo u put him first so he didn’t want him to suffer the discussion u had was a very hard one to make but u did what was right for ur little boy.
    What happened to Millie wasn’t ur fault at all u u shouldn’t ever blame urself u wouldn’t ever blame someone if they were in same situation so please don’t blame urself. I know it’s hard not to the what if I had or hadn’t gone that all mums who have lost a baby do n it’s must be so hard for u not to but no one in the world would ever blame u. I hope in time that the dark days seem less n less that that one day soon u will get the happiness u so truly deserve in whatever form u find it in that the confidence u once had comes bk. u need to give urself time to heal I know one day u will be a fanatic mummy n make the right choices for ur little ones just has u did for milo n Millie. U show ur strength everyday by getting up n fighting on when most wouldn’t u are a lovely caring strong lady who will one get everything u deserve xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Im sorry that you have had to go through any of this as apart of your life journey. Its cruel and definitely not fair and its many other words I cant type here. I hope you are experiencing lots of love and understanding from those around you and that the love and support has no end whether you decide to try ahain one day, adopt or otherwise. You helped me a lot when we suffered our miscarriage at the beginning of the year through your blog and im sure you have helped countless others trying to make sense of their losses too.
    I hope things get better for you soon, that you see more sunshine in each day and that you continue to share your journey because it helps, im sure it helps you but my goodness did it help me too xo

    Liked by 1 person

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