Im finding it hard to blog at the moment. I come up with some interesting stuff, but its forgotten in a heartbeat as i still cannot focus on any 1 subject for any length of time.
Ive been struggling with my meds, they only hold me for about 7-9hrs and then i crash. The weight of everything we have yet to come hits me with surprising force. Not what has happened, but what is to come. My meds have been increased as of today so fingers crossed ill see an improvement soon, but as always, ill probably go down before i come back up/level out.
I got my final sick note today, so in a months time, I’m going back to work. I don’t know yet if ill do a staged return, but I’m all set for gearing up to it now.
The counselling has revealed to me some surprising things.
Im quite cross about certain things, in particular the baby clothes, moses basket, play mats, steriliser kit, toys, etc that are currently stored in my walk in wardrobe, stuff i bought with such high hopes, with such great expectations, stuff I’m not convinced ill ever get to use.
I also don’t consider myself a parent, and get quite upset if someone insists I’m a Mum. To me, a Mum is someone who guides and helps shape the life of a small person. Despite having two babies, i do not feel like a Mummy. Ive suffered no sleepless nights, imparted no wisdom, heard no cry, changed no nappies. I am a bereaved parent, and i don’t like that.
Another surprising revelation is that I’m wholly convinced i killed both my children and even if I’m lucky enough to have a live baby one day, I’ve lost all my confidence with regards to caring for a newborn.
Ive always been very comfortable around babies of any age. They have never scared me, i just got on with it. But now? Im terrified of all the things i have no control of. I feel i cant see anyone when the baby comes, because if someone pointed out i was doing something wrong, id lose all confidence. I also need to prove to myself i can keep a newborn alive. Im so worried about SIDS, breaking the babies neck by not holding them properly, falling asleep and smothering the baby, PND and not bonding with baby, being a terrible Mum who is unable to cope with the stress of a newborn, the list goes on.
My homework from counselling this week was to focus on my feelings of guilt surrounding the death of my children. I do blame myself, for them both. Milo i can justify to myself, he wasn’t a well baby, could’ve died upon delivery, or during the operations, or from a completely unrelated virus he may not have been strong enough to fight.
With regards to Millie, what sort of mother doesn’t know when their child is in distress? How did i not know that i had an infection that would eventually kill her? Why did my body give me no warning of what was happening? I killed my daughter, because i didn’t pay enough attention, didn’t act quickly enough, was too blasé about the aches and pains i felt that day. I will live with this guilt forever and I’m not sure anyone will persuade me different.
The future petrifies me. The thought of going through IVF and a pregnancy literally makes me shake. Its so overwhelming. Usually when doing a cycle of IVF i feel mainly positive as I’m making an effort towards my take home baby dream, but now, it fills with me with dread. The actual IVF will be easy enough, but seeing those 2 lines on a pregnancy test, will mark the beginning of what i am sure is to be the most worrisome time of my life, speckled with fear and terror that any day could be the day i lose it.
In my mind, ill never get past 21 weeks gestation. If i do, the fear of losing them later and later in the pregnancy is rife, how will i cope with that? If by some miracle we get to have a live baby, I’m not sure ill believe its mine. I don’t have live babies. Im going to seem like a total loon to the staff, I’m sure of it. And then, if we get through all that, I’m then responsible for this tiny little person, i have to keep them alive!!!!!!!!
Its too much, its so overwhelming, and I’m still not able to ‘feel’ what has already happened…
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx