This post is mainly going to be positive, apart from the first paragraph, but i really need to get how im feeling out.
Today i woke up to a birth announcement on facebook. One of my friends had a little girl yesterday. Shes gorgeous and they have waited so lomg for her. Im happy for them.
However, since the 20week scan i always imagined my baby being born on the 30th July. It really hit me hard. I rang my Mum and had a little cry (woohoo, progress!!) about how unfair it is that im not meeting my baby or preparing for her birth. However, it goes to show IVF does work and has allowed me to access some feelings. Thats me putting a positive spin on it, what i actually want to say is although im happy, im gutted its not me. Utterly heartbroken in fact.
So this week has been one of the best by far since losing Millie in March. Other than today i have been out of the house everyday. Counselling, visiting friends, Tesco, popping into the office and going to leeds to take my mum to a hospital appointment.
These are fairly major steps forward. As youll recall i had a real issue with going to Tesco as my anxiety went through the roof and i felt utterly vulnerable, however i managed to do a small shop with no panic.
Going into work, i was my normal loud self, even able to play a trick on my friend. We arranged a visit to the nail salon in a couple of weeks. Again, this is a big step. Im known for my nail varnish, i change it weekly, am always interested in others nails and have about 70 nail polishes, but ive not painted my nails since having the baby. I havent felt up to it. To be honest, my personal care has been pretty low down in the order of things. Ive struggled to wash my hair, maintain my eyebrows, shave, put make up on. I just havent seen the point.
NB i always wear make up when leaving the house, as id scare the locals if i didnt but its been very basic and rather than enjoying it, its been a chore.
As im now on the countdown for going back to work, i have to get back to me. Right now, im still faking it, but theres nothing wrong with faking it til i make it. Im more determined than ever to get out and about, to put on a brave face and come back to reality. Im under no illusion that this transition will be hard amd it may take months before im not faking it, but i feel empowered to try, and i havent felt that for a long time now.