I cried!!!!!

I cried!!!!!

it was during my counselling session yesterday. It was only a few tears for a number of minutes, but, its progress!We spent a lot of time talking about my food issues yesterday. Its been playing on my mind a lot as my calorie intake is about 600/day at the moment and I’m so fatigued, worn out and lacking of energy that its making me miserable.

My battle with food has been going on for a decade. When stressed or anxious i apparently use food as a form of control. This information was gleaned from the 6 months of counselling i had way back when. I ducked out early as hubby and i got engaged and i thought id be OK. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

As it stands, i feel no hunger, i shake all the time (really annoying when applying make up, trying to use keys etc.), my stomach is tiny. I can barely eat anything without feeling full or vomiting.

Food feels strange in my mouth, I’m having to reteach myself different textures, just like a child. Nothing appeals. Im anxious when eating, to the point where i claw my legs to allow me to swallow without gipping.

Eating in front of people is torturous for 2 reasons

1 – i eat very slowly to avoid bloating, and because i find it so hard to swallow. I often feel I’m holding people up.

2 – I’m ultra aware of how little I’m eating, how wasteful i must look. The fact there is a group of us usually means a number of plates on the table, which completely over-faces me, and puts me off what little i could manage.

As I’m quite open about my issues, the majority of people don’t stare, or rush me, or comment on how little I’ve eaten (except waiters who assume something is wrong with the food!), however there are some, that will start smoking, or make a show of putting their knife and fork together to indicate they’ve finished. Instantly i stop eating, forever putting others first.

To be totally honest, the only person I’m relaxed around when eating, is Hubby. He gets it. He helps me manage. He will sneakily put a bag of crisps (my favourite food) on the coffee table, or a mini cheese, make no reference to it, and hopefully ill pick it up without too much thinking. He never rushes me, never wishes i would ‘just eat something’, never gets frustrated. He just tries all the tricks he knows. We have an unspoken deal that he wont comment until its dire, as it is now. He gently encourages me if I’ve not eaten all day, but doesn’t force anything on me. I couldn’t do this without him.

In a normal bad period, it’ll last 10 weeks, ill have about 800 calories a day. After 10 weeks or so, hubby will try to put more food in front of me, up the ante as it were.

Im currently 15 plus weeks into the worst spiral i can remember going through. The effort to eat something, anything, is herculean. The thought of eating actually makes me anxious, sweaty and nauseated.

If i hadn’t have been pregnant, and seen the other side, maybe i could battle this easier. Now i know what its like to enjoy food, enjoy cooking with my husband, cooking from scratch with fresh ingredients. Not feeling full after a few bites (or many in fairness). Food can be such a wonderful experience, i had no idea. I miss it.

So anyway, we discussed all of this in my session and i was asked what needs to change for me to eat better? I explained that i hope to keep eating after i have a baby, i want to try breastfeeding and know i need to keep my calorie intake up for that, i also want to have the energy to run round after my child.

It was then i realised, I’m so unhappy, without a baby, my life just isn’t complete. This is something that is probably glaringly obvious to all, but for me, it was a breakthrough.
And the tears came.

Don’t get me wrong, i have a lovely life. A wonderful hubby who i adore and who adores me. A loving family. A house. 2 cats. A nice car, a nice new phone and a lovely job. Our finances are OK. BUT id swap it all for a healthy live baby. I don’t think I’m asking the world, just 1 child, to love and care for, to make laugh, to soothe when they are sad, to listen to their views about the world. What better gift is there?

Right now, that seems impossible, its such a steep hill to climb. Yes i know the wonderful Dr F and Team Miracle will work their magic and i have no doubt ill get pregnant. But having a live baby? No. I cannot believe that yet.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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9 thoughts on “I cried!!!!!

  1. Oh my gosh your honesty floors me with emotion. As pleased as I am to hear you’ve had this breakthrough, I hope it’s the 1st of many and you are firmly on your way to finding yourself again and making your life complete.
    I get that. Some women are born to rear children and until you do the longing and need doesn’t go away. It can be suppressed so we can deal with life but never goes.
    TM, you and your Mr you will get there.
    Keep being inspirational! Massive hugs to you xxxxxxx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Wow, it sounds like an unbelievable session. Those big massive truths are hard to find sometimes and I’m so proud of you for getting there. Keep up the hard work, I believe it will be worth every moment of anguish as you discover what you need in life and how to get there.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I get using food intake as a means of control when we feel we have none (or none over things important to us). The behaviour is very addicting/addictive and it ramps up when we feel less and less in control in other aspects of our lives. I see the connection – yes you can get pregnant. The uncontrolled and seemingly uncontrollable part is holding your healthy, living child at the end of a successful pregnancy. I get this. Loud and clear. I’m so deeply and truly sorry it’s been so long of you shutting down and self-sabotaging with the not eating (been there, so if you feel I’m judging you in calling it that please please please know I’m not judging you at all, I’m empathizing and offering every ounce of compassion I can). I truly hope you and your counsellor can move you in a healthier direction with time. Warm hugs and wishes in the meantime.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Its exactly that isnt it? Sabotaging myself. The therapy is showing me things i never considered before and thats got to be a good thing. I really feel i will be in a much better place and understand myself so much more if/when the counselling end.
      Thank you so much for your candid response, i felt no judgement at all, just understanding.

      Liked by 1 person

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