it was during my counselling session yesterday. It was only a few tears for a number of minutes, but, its progress!We spent a lot of time talking about my food issues yesterday. Its been playing on my mind a lot as my calorie intake is about 600/day at the moment and I’m so fatigued, worn out and lacking of energy that its making me miserable.
My battle with food has been going on for a decade. When stressed or anxious i apparently use food as a form of control. This information was gleaned from the 6 months of counselling i had way back when. I ducked out early as hubby and i got engaged and i thought id be OK. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
As it stands, i feel no hunger, i shake all the time (really annoying when applying make up, trying to use keys etc.), my stomach is tiny. I can barely eat anything without feeling full or vomiting.
Food feels strange in my mouth, I’m having to reteach myself different textures, just like a child. Nothing appeals. Im anxious when eating, to the point where i claw my legs to allow me to swallow without gipping.
Eating in front of people is torturous for 2 reasons
1 – i eat very slowly to avoid bloating, and because i find it so hard to swallow. I often feel I’m holding people up.
2 – I’m ultra aware of how little I’m eating, how wasteful i must look. The fact there is a group of us usually means a number of plates on the table, which completely over-faces me, and puts me off what little i could manage.
As I’m quite open about my issues, the majority of people don’t stare, or rush me, or comment on how little I’ve eaten (except waiters who assume something is wrong with the food!), however there are some, that will start smoking, or make a show of putting their knife and fork together to indicate they’ve finished. Instantly i stop eating, forever putting others first.
To be totally honest, the only person I’m relaxed around when eating, is Hubby. He gets it. He helps me manage. He will sneakily put a bag of crisps (my favourite food) on the coffee table, or a mini cheese, make no reference to it, and hopefully ill pick it up without too much thinking. He never rushes me, never wishes i would ‘just eat something’, never gets frustrated. He just tries all the tricks he knows. We have an unspoken deal that he wont comment until its dire, as it is now. He gently encourages me if I’ve not eaten all day, but doesn’t force anything on me. I couldn’t do this without him.
In a normal bad period, it’ll last 10 weeks, ill have about 800 calories a day. After 10 weeks or so, hubby will try to put more food in front of me, up the ante as it were.
Im currently 15 plus weeks into the worst spiral i can remember going through. The effort to eat something, anything, is herculean. The thought of eating actually makes me anxious, sweaty and nauseated.
If i hadn’t have been pregnant, and seen the other side, maybe i could battle this easier. Now i know what its like to enjoy food, enjoy cooking with my husband, cooking from scratch with fresh ingredients. Not feeling full after a few bites (or many in fairness). Food can be such a wonderful experience, i had no idea. I miss it.
So anyway, we discussed all of this in my session and i was asked what needs to change for me to eat better? I explained that i hope to keep eating after i have a baby, i want to try breastfeeding and know i need to keep my calorie intake up for that, i also want to have the energy to run round after my child.
It was then i realised, I’m so unhappy, without a baby, my life just isn’t complete. This is something that is probably glaringly obvious to all, but for me, it was a breakthrough.
And the tears came.
Don’t get me wrong, i have a lovely life. A wonderful hubby who i adore and who adores me. A loving family. A house. 2 cats. A nice car, a nice new phone and a lovely job. Our finances are OK. BUT id swap it all for a healthy live baby. I don’t think I’m asking the world, just 1 child, to love and care for, to make laugh, to soothe when they are sad, to listen to their views about the world. What better gift is there?
Right now, that seems impossible, its such a steep hill to climb. Yes i know the wonderful Dr F and Team Miracle will work their magic and i have no doubt ill get pregnant. But having a live baby? No. I cannot believe that yet.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx