Back on form

Back on form

Phew! I’ve had a busy week.I realised last week I’m bored, I’ve watched everything on Netflix and Sky Box Sets, I’m ready to be part of a group again. My mind is no longer a jumbled mess, i can think clearly, my meds have stabilised. Essentially, i feel like me again and I’m ready to go back into the world, and work, which is good as i start tomorrow! 
Im so looking forward to seeing all my friends at work, catching up on the gossip, feeling like I’m contributing. Im not nervous or worried as i have amazing colleagues who have been and will continue to be wonderful with me.

Last weekend, we had a change in fortune, meaning IVF is covered. It threw up some weird emotions for me. On the one hand, having the funds available makes me want to jump on a plane and start treatment, but on the other hand, I’m so scared of pregnancy…

Case and point, we had a bit of a scare at the end of last week. I usually have a 17 day leutal phase, on day 12 following ovulation, i began spotting, this never happens, except when I’m pregnant. I have never felt fear and dread like it. I am SO NOT ready to be pregnant yet. As it turns out, i was just coming on, 5 days early. First ever 25 day cycle, but i was due a weird one after losing Millie, so I’m not concerned. It brought home why i had decided to have a year off and has confirmed for me, that it is definitely the right thing to do. So April/May it is.

In order to have something to look forward to and plan for, i booked plane tickets for Australia in February. Im so looking forward to it. Not only will i see my bestie who i wont have seen in person for 4 months, but we are ticking off a bucket list wish.

Ive been doing some reading and apparently kangaroos sometimes sunbathe on quiet beaches, so I’m on the hunt (not literally)! I also want to see a koala and visit the pink lake. I may also pop to Sydney for a couple of days too, but we will see. Its going to be a trip of a lifetime for me and hubby and I’m so glad we have the opportunity. Plus it ties in wonderfully with my year off to do what we want philosophy.

I got the new Samsung S6 Edge phone a few weeks ago and entered a competition to win tickets for Creamfields (a music festival in Cheshire). I only bloody won, hospitality tickets too, so thats our bank holiday weekend taken care of. Im not one for camping normally but we get ‘proper’ toilets and hot showers so it’ll be a little nicer than standard, plus id be daft to throw away a £600 prize!

I also got to meet M’s baby. After a long labour he finally arrived a week last Friday and he is perfect. Im so fascinated by him, he’s the first IVF baby I’ve met in real life, and I’m astounded he started life in a petri dish, and now he’s here, a perfect little person. It has given me hope that IVF can result in a live baby, and despite my fears, i really do want to try again, in time! Plus i bought him some cute trousers i couldn’t wait to show M, who has very kindly been sending me daily pictures of the little man. ‘Outfit of the Day’ we call them! It was wonderful to see her and her hubby, now a proud little family, the stuff dreams are made of!

Hubby and I had a date night, my homework from counselling, we needed to reconnect i think, and it was lovely. I even ate 2 courses with ease! It was my favourite restaurant though. It was lovely to get dressed up and spend some time together. Plus we had our 1st Uber ride and I’m impressed, sad i know but i love new tech!

My homework this week is to read the Dali Lama’s ‘The Art of Happiness’ as i need to work on putting myself first and being a bit more selfish, i have to be honest, I’m not sure i can change the last 16 years but I’m prepared to work on it, and hard!

So overall, I’m feeling great, I’m looking forward to getting back to work and I’m still finding the counselling helpful, plus its Creamfields at the weekend!!!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


29 thoughts on “Back on form

  1. Oh Toni, this makes such good reading lovely. I m really really happy that you are back on track. Your trip sounds amazing, so jealous! Also admitting that you are not ready to start IVF is a big step. Keep strong hun xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So lovely to read how positive you share. So pleased things are going in the right direction. Your plans for oz sound amazing. And it’s fantastic that you have the funds to cycle again. Keep those Pma pants up. And good luck back at work. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you lovely!
      Im so excited for Oz, im sure ill babble on about it in the months to come!
      Its a relief to stop trying, took me long enough but its like a weight has been lifted! Xx


  3. Your positivity shines out of this post! Amazing to read. And what a lot of great things going on; new phone, exciting weekend and brilliant trip next year – I am very jealous! Try and get to the Red Centre and to the Whitsunday Islands/barrier reef. It will be amazing! I am glad that you are also taking time out with Mr Toni and learning to put yourself first –
    Important stuff. Big hugs lovely lady xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for the Oz tips! Its so nice to feel so positive. Ive a long way to go re Millie and my feelings surrounding her but just to feel me again, is lovely. I think putting me 1st will take some time but ill work on it 😉 xxx


      1. I can imagine that thinking about Millie will take a long time but you are certain boy stepping forward and seem
        To have unlocked something so go with it while the feeling is good. Me
        Time is important but hard to do, I am sure you will rise to this challenge! How was work? Xx

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Well I grinned like a loon reading through that! Roll on the weekend and then it’s the countdown to Christmas (x factor starts)!!!
    Then Feb will be here and it’s bon voyage…
    So pleased you are feeling like you again xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. What a lovely post to read.i am so happy you are feeling great and it seems life is finally smiling at you.
    Good luck for your first day at work tomorrow and have a wonderful weekend.xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ooooo you sound so great! I am so pleased for you. I’m from Australia! You will love it out here and in February it is soooooo warm. If you go to the right places you will see all the things you have listed, no problemo (although you really do have to go to the right beaches to see the Kangas). Enjoy your return to work. So wonderful to hear you so happy!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Yay! So happy that you’re having such a lovely spell of nice things happening 😎 how exciting that you’ve won the creamfields tickets! I think it’s great to do something you usually wouldn’t x hope you and DH have a fab time xx good luck for work x

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I read your post and cried, your life seems to be reflecting mine , just Im in deeper and darker place still, after my last loss! Sending you big hugs and positive vibes

    Liked by 1 person

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