Im not AWOL, promise

its been a while. Long story short, ive been exhausted since my return to work and my Monday’s have been busy. 

Let me explain…

My first week back at work was lovely, people made a fuss but didnt ask too many questions and now, 3 weeks down, i feel like ive never been away, which is fantastic. Im still tired but hopefully in the next couple of weeks, that will right itself. Non colleagues have asked how the baby is, lets face it, i was big enough to be full term, but ive handled it ok, told the truth, to be honest its still water off a ducks back.

So bank holiday weekend we went to Creamfields, we love dance music, but camping isnt really my thing, but they were free tickets, so off we went, and had a lovely time!

A few pictures from Creamfields, should have taken some of the sets, but i was too busy enjoying them!!! I love my glittery face paint and my sparkly head-dress, shame it was a bit chilly and had to wear my cardigan!! 

The pregnancy scare was ongoing and ended up with doing a test. Negative. Phew! Now normally, seeing a BFN (big fat negative) makes me a little sad, but not this time, im just not in the right head space, nor is hubby. So we are officially off the trying to conceive train, for real this time, no secretly checking my app for my fertile time, no monitoring my body for signs of ovulation, nothing. Its like a weight has been lifted, i can actually enjoy the year off now, and we are doing our upmost to make sure we do.

Last week was hubbys birthday, so we popped out to the cinema. He loves it but i dont see the point of paying £11 to sit in a dark room, so it was a treat that i came along. We saw Jurassic World. Its not a good film to be honest, so we came home and watched World War Z, much better!! 

We also went out for dinner on his actual birthday, to the restaurant we celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary at…

We had pretty cocktails and yummy steak. Now im usually a ‘well done’ sorta girl but this was a steak restaurant and my cut, sirloin, was recommended to be done to  ‘medium’ so i took the plunge, and, OH MY GOD!! Im now a convert, ive been eating steak all wrong, sorry cows! 

It was a lovely meal and so nice to be together and happy, and just enjoying ourselves. 

We also upgraded the car. Less to pay each month, lower insurance but same car with a new plate and an awesome colour….

I love her! But we havent thought of a name yet, if you have one, please comment below, id love your input! 

Onto counselling, well it took 2 weeks for my book to arrive, and it was hubbys birthday, so needless to say i didnt read it, i should really be reading it now, but here i am blogging instead! Im a bit apprehensive as im really not sure if ill get on board with being selfish to be happy. If thats what the book is about. Ive no idea. I really should give it a flick through!

Last week, my counsellor informed me that im great at telling a story and weaving an intricate tapestry, but we are no further forward when it comes to how i feel about things. So we will be following a new strucutre whereby ill be stopped more, asked how the event made me feel, how i would deal with it in the future and how i feel about it now. I have a feeling im going to find this tough as im still quite numb when it comes to the losses. I can be angry and upset over other things but when it comes to the babies, especially Millie, theres still nothing there to speak of. 

Day to day, im doing fine, my eating seems to be getting better, which im surprised by but ever so grateful for. I did get a bit of a shock yesterday. Facebook memories showed me a post from a year a go. It was the 6 month anniversary of losing Milo, now 18 months. I cannot believe how much has happened in such a short space of time…a failed FET attempt, booking and planning Cyprus, cycling in Cyprus, the BFP (big fat positive), the scare at 12 weeks, the NIFTY test saga, the relief at 20 weeks and then, another loss. Yet it seems like yesterday i was told he had HLHS and i had to make the hardest decision of my life. Time really is a funny concept.

So thats me, all caught up and hoping to not leave it as long next time.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


16 thoughts on “Im not AWOL, promise

  1. I smiled throughout this post. First, I loved seeing you out and about with your husband! And that your return to work is going well. Oh, and I also liked to hear that you are taking a true break from TTC – it’s hard to let go of trying even if only temporary, but it’s also so good to let yourself just be on a break. And, I’m glad you are continuing with your counsellor, I hope eventually it becomes easier to work through the hard emotions.
    As always, sending love your way!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you lovely lady! Its really nice to be on the TTC break, for real this time and im enjoying hubby and i spending time together! Counselling is going to be tough but im willing to work hard as i know ive a long way to go and need to sort these issues before we IVF again!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh it’s good to hear from you!!!
    I knew you hadn’t vanished altogether but missed my notification of a new post…
    Pleased to see your lovely pics and read about your weekend away, being back at work and new wheels! I do love a new car!
    I officially put forward the name “Mim” (why wouldn’t I) and know you’ll choose wisely…. 😂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So good to hear from you hun. You have been so busy lately. Good that you have settled in to some ” normality” at work and it feels like you never left. Loving the photos. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Great to hear from you and see some Pictures of the fun you have been having! Good luck with the counselling – Sunday like it will be challenging but really Important for you. And enjoy your break From ttc. Any thoughts on a car name?

    Liked by 1 person

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