I feel like a fool, after my panic blog on Friday, i came on that very evening. And so far, its a normal period, no cause for concern. Idiot.
If im really honest with myself, ive really struggled this week. Ive found it hard to concentrate at work, and by the time i leave i can feel my mind begin to race, the anxiety build, the weight on my chest increase, until at around 8pm, it climaxes with me basically feeling like im losing my mind. Im serious. Its a bit frightening at times amd lasts the rest of the evening.
The way to explain it, i hope, is to say I’M out of control, not that i have no control on the situation but that i have no control over myself and my thoughts.
Instead of a train of thought, i have train stops of thought, stop at 1 for a few moments, then race off with no idea of direction until i stop at the next station. When its really bad, its more like a squash ball in a squash court, one that never loses inertia, and just bounces off the wall over and over again.
Ive not been sleeping well, i cannot calm my mind, i have heart palpatations, have to take deep breaths regularly as i feel like i cant get enough oxygen and im antsy! Even now im struggling to form sentences.
Ive contacted TM about going on the pill ASAP. IF my cycles are causing this out of control feeling, i can at least take charge of it, and feel like i have some sort of control over the cycle rather than second guessing everything. I do want the teams input though, as i know they will be honest and give me both sides of the argument, but this has been causing me stress since my miscarriage.
However, M has pointed out that the only thing that has really changed this week is my counselling homework; exploring my feelings for Millie in the 9 days before we lost her. I havent, as yet, consciously sat down and thought about this, however M points out, and probably rightly so, that unconsciously im probably reliving those 9 days, whilst also knowing how it ends. She’s more than likely right, and that in itself is scary, without thinking about it, my mind is losing what cohesion it had, so when i do actually think it over, what then?
My next counselling session isnt until wednesday which feels forever away right now.
This is tough. I cant even write anymore as i dont know how to say what i want to and its making me feel more anxious and squash ball like.
Ill leave it there.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx