As you may recall, we decided to make the year off TTC (trying to conceive), the year of Me and Mr Me. Its taken a fair few months to become truly comfortable with this idea but over the last 6 weeks, I’m thinking less about TTC, IVF, Pregnancy etc and more about how we can live for now.This weekend we went to a family wedding, it was spectacular and we were able to reconnect with family we haven’t seen in years. It was truly a wonderful day and so fantastic to see family all getting along together so well. It was a privilege to be a part of it.
The best man composed a video as part of his speech, lots of photos set to music. Im usually quite hard faced about these things but the combination of watching one of hubby’s cousins moving to be with her daddy whilst she watched this emotional video, combined with hundreds of photos of family, including the bride and grooms growing family, really touched me.
I looked at that cousin moving to her daddy and i wanted that for my hubby. I saw this family growing together and enjoying every moment with their children, grandchildren, niece, what have you and i thought ‘i want that’ and the tears flowed. Luckily most of the room was blubbing too as it was so very well done. I did have words with the best man, in jest, about how i don’t cry for anyone!
We have vowed to make sure we all keep in touch more, starting with a family party next month, I’m so excited to see everyone again, we had such a wonderfully funny time together!!
I’ve just completed my 1st cycle of the pill and i think having that control has allowed me to let go a little of the baby related stuff. Im still acutely aware that May isn’t far off and of the number of things i need to do before heading to Cyprus but they are firmly at the back of my mind for now, whilst i concentrate on living in the moment. I know its a little weird for someone with a 1% chance of getting pregnant naturally, who has been trying for 7 years and been through loads of IVF to do, go on the pill i mean. Personally i think it quite weak of me, I’m too weak to face the idea of another pregnancy just now and i wish i were stronger, braver, everything everyone tells me i am but I’m not and i just needed something to give me peace of mind. Its worked so ill stick with it for now.
This weekend and the months leading up to it have made me realise how on hold our lives have been. We’ve spent 6 years planning/hoping for a pregnancy, or to be in treatment, or to be giving birth. And well, lets face it, nothing has worked out so far, so sod it. We are living for us until April next year, doing whatever, whenever.
With that in mind, I’m so so excited, as I’ve booked a weekend away at Disneyland Paris for our wedding anniversary. Its something I’ve wanted to do for years but always felt it was something we should wait for a baby before doing! However seeing the new DLP advert for grown ups coupled with my new attitude made me go for it.
Normally id find spending that much money too much of an indulgence, selfish really, but I’m challenging myself on this more and more. Sadly we don’t have kids to pay for, plan for, etc and so why not do the things now we wont be able to do for a few years.
Im sick of saying “when we have baby we can do xyz”, i need to live a little, let my hair down and remember there is more to life than just TTC and IVF.
Its quite a liberating feeling, although I’m sure ill suffer expense guilt when I’m trying to sleep. Ah well, can always make more money, memories are priceless. We are staying in a Disney hotel and everything, I’m just like a child, already super excited! Poor hubby come the actual day, ill be bouncing off the walls!
This week is babyloss awareness week and i know I’ve already posted so much on the subject but its something that means a hell of a lot to me. It gives people the opportunity to talk candidly about pregnancy and infant loss, in which ever form it may have happened – miscarriage, termination for medical reasons, still birth, pre term labour and so on. Its a week dedicated to all those lost children, those perfect souls taken too soon. This is soo soo important to me, we need to talk about this, to break the taboo.
So once again, i urge you to repost, reblog, retweet, share and talk about this blog. Not just this week, but whenever the feeling takes you. If you read something you like, if i strike a chord, if i say something you think may help someone else, share this. I want my story to be known, to offer hope to others, to show the world there is life after bereavement, infertility and all the struggles associated with that, but I also want it know that it is a struggle, its isolating and its kept too quiet.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx