Negative Spiral

Negative Spiral

Its been a long time since i posted last, i’ll get to why shortly.

Firstly i just want to say to the people of Beirut, Japan, Paris, Mexico and Baghdad, my thoughts are with you. They have each suffered at the hand of mother nature or terrorism and we must remember them all, not just those covered in the press.

Anyway, so where i have been? I wish id been off living life to fullest and having great adventures, there have been some, but the main reason for my absence is, depression.

The last 2 weeks have been rough, I’ve not really found pleasure in anything (with a few exceptions, one being the family party), I’ve not wanted to get out of bed, i couldn’t see the point in anything. Its was just darkness, with no glimpse of light, and it felt heavy, like i was walking around with a ton of bricks on me. Ive been exhausted, mentally and physically, mostly because I’ve not let up since my return to work. In fact this weekend is the first since August we haven’t done anything, we just stayed in and watched the Avenger movies and it was fantastic! Ive been keeping busy in order to keep the bad thoughts at bay, if I’m busy, I cant think, cant wallow and cant go too into myself. Its worked to a point but we really are tired and so I must create a balance.

Despite feeling utterly terrible I, of course, did get up and go to work, smile and carry on, but it was hard, much harder than before. I upped my meds for a couple of weeks but i didn’t feel any better so I’ve lowered them again and i think I’m out if the worst of it. Don’t get me wrong, i don’t feel better or fixed, but getting out of bed isn’t such a chore anymore.

One of the things i got a lot of pleasure out of was the family party in early November. It was great to see so many people i now recognise and know the name of (hehe 😀) plus i met some of the Bristol cousins, turns out we all Friends (The TV show) mad, so lots in common and a tournament of Friends ‘Scene It’ is to be arranged.

I enjoy these family gatherings as coming from a small family its not something I’ve experienced. To see so many family members laughing and joking and genuinely enjoying being together is lovely. At both the wedding and the party, I’ve just stopped and watched for a minute, its a beautiful sight. It also made me think how fertile that side of the family is, poor Mr Me really did get the short straw. Luckily we have science on our side!!

We have also been to dinner with friends and played mini golf with other friends, both of which were lovely and a great distraction from my miserable self. I hate being miserable, its boring and hard, no fun at all and i wish i could just shake it off, sadly not how depression works.

My bestie L has been gone for 3 weeks now. I do really miss her but as we mostly text etc I’m getting it easy compared to her family, that being said, i cant wait to see her, and I’m keeping touch with the family as much as possible. 86 days to go!!!  

There is something I want to talk about in this blog. There is a habit i have, something I’ve been doing for years, but in recent months has become much worse. I call it negative spiralling.

It used to happen just before i fell asleep, id remember something from that day or a week ago, or a month ago, or a year ago, a situation, a conversation, and i would replay it in my head and add consequences, they are always negative, it never ends well.

Recently its been happening throughout the day too and has gotten much worse, in that i do it more often and the consequences are now much worse.

For example, i was thinking about Cyprus and IVF the other day and this is how it went…

  • Got to Cyprus fine 
  • Treatment went well  
  • Came home and got a BFP  
  • Pregnancy actually went smoothly, so far positive right? Wait for it… 
  • Went into labour and as part of my labouring process i pushed against Mr Me’s chest. 
  • Baby was born, breathing, healthy, all good 
  • Mr Me at this point drops to the floor, he’s taken off for investigation 
  • Im told he needs emergency surgery on his heart as me pushing against him caused him to bruise (he has a blood condition whereby he bruises easily and his platelets are too large so they breakdown fast and he can re-bleed into the bruise) and there is now blood round the heart constricting it. 
  • Mr Me dies in surgery. Im a single parent. 
  • 4 weeks later my baby dies of SIDS 

I even worked out how much money would be owed to me and whether it was enough to live on before remembering there would be nothing to live for. Boom, Game Over.

Although that spiral has some of the worst outcomes, it started pretty positive, most don’t, for example…

I had a rash recently and was convinced id killed a 12 week old baby plus all the people that live in one of the places i work. It turns out it was just a symptom of my chest infection but i spent the night feeling responsible for 80 plus deaths. I didn’t know what this rash was but i convinced myself it was contagious and dangerous.

That sort of thing now happens daily. Its hard feeling responsible for something that hasn’t even happened and its added to my anxiety, i can tell you.

One of the worst things about depression can be the paranoia that comes with it. These negative spirals are born of paranoia. My confidence at work is at all time low, I’m convinced if i make even one mistake, do or say the wrong thing, ill be disciplined or sacked on the spot. Its hard living like this day to day, people see me as crabby or irritable but really I’m just trying to deal with all the pressure and consequences i have put on myself and mostly i think i hide it really quite well. Theres only been one occasion at work where it got to me and i couldn’t take it and had to get out for a while and then have a rant to my manager!  

Random change of subject but quite a big deal…Last night i took the plunge and booked flights and accommodation for Cyprus in May. Not because i felt ready, not because I’m excited, but because prices were going up and i wasn’t going to miss a good deal!!!
I also paid the deposit for my treatment.

Turns out the villa owner is a sweetheart and when i told her the reason for our trip she told me she had 2 other couples that had been for same reason and they each had babies, she now has everything crossed too, which is amazing given we have only spoken on the phone for 25 minutes. So we are definitely going in May for 10 days. 6 months to find some PMA and the strength to get through a pregnancy without going totally mad.

I am very lucky in that respect though, i have an army of support, whether it be fellow bloggers, users on babycentre or friends and family in real life. I KNOW this little army of support will be there on my bad days to pick me up, remind me to take it one day at a time and tell me so far so good. They will celebrate with me, comfort me and make me laugh when i need it most, and honestly, i think its the only way ill get through it. These people have no idea how grateful i am for their support now and how they are the only way ill get through a pregnancy. This future baby has no idea how many aunts and uncles it will have. Whats that saying about it taking a village to raise a child? well it’ll take a village to get my baby born!!!!

So whats next? Well our trip to Disneyland Paris is in 11 days. Despite the appalling events over the weekend, we are still going. I will not give into terror, its what they want, and the best way to show it isn’t working? In my humble opinion it is to carry on, mourn our losses but not to be scared to live our lives. Im looking forward to a weekend of being silly and child like and i hope we have 3 days of pleasure with no worrying about IVF, no anxiety, no misery. Having said that, my anxiety has gotten to me already and I’m convinced we will miss the train to France, we have booked earlier train tickets to London to give us 17 minutes extra but until I’m on that train, ill be an anxious mess.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


14 thoughts on “Negative Spiral

  1. Lovely to hear from you Toni, you are doing so well and I really hope the dark days get brighter for you. Have the best time at Disneyland Paris. Take care xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve been thinking about you while you’ve been quite this last little while. I’m sorry you are struggling, I wish you weren’t. But, I also love that you understand what’s going on with you and you are working through it all. I hope your upcoming vacations do your mind and body good. Sending you lots of love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you lovely lady. It was just too much effort to blog, to do anything really.
      Im working on the spiralling by calling myself out if i notice myself doing it, which i dont always.
      Going to concentrate more on Millie in future sessions, as i aboid the subject like mad!


  3. You have an amazing way with words toni. All the best for cyrpus and enjoy disney. We’re a little bit further along the adoption line but its feeling more like when we get a child than if we get one now.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sorry to hear you have been so down Toni. Really hoping the Disney Magic will perk you up. How exciting for May. Just think, luck comes in three’s and you will be the third couple to stay in that villa. It must be a good omen. Lots of love xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I have this sort of brain too. It is pretty typical of anxiety. When I feel myself starting one of these stories I just cut my brain off. I won’t let myself think of it. I try to remind myself it is fairyland stuff and not about being present and in the moment. I used to do that exercise when it was really bad where I would find 1 thing I could see, hear, feel and then 2 and then 3, up until 5. It really did help. Anyway I am sure your counsellor will have some techniques for you too. You poor thing. I know how hard it is. I find my depression also normally follows the anxiety. So if I have a big bump of anxiety (which I have been having lately) then a dose of depression will always follow (and it hasn’t let me down this time either). My counsellor actually flagged this for me and mentioned this is a pretty normal sequence of events. Anyway just thought I’d pass the info on from my own experience in case it was helpful at all. Enjoy Disneyland! Good on your for still going 🙂 xx


  6. As always thank you for sharing your soul xxx
    I’m so pleased you started the ball rolling for your next Ivf which I’m sure will be here before you know it – hopefully so fast it leaves your anxiety behind!
    Enjoy Disneyland (I’m not jealous at all) and I’m still sending you strength and squeezes – as and when you need them. XXXXX

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hope its not too quick coz right now im terrified of being pregnant again. However, lots to keep us distracted between now and then…hopefully.
      Thank you muchly for the squeezes, always lovely to have a squeeze xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Of course you are but you’ll be ready. I know you will. You’re not called Little Miss PMA for nothing!
        I can’t begin to imagine how hard it is for you to breathe everyday, but you do. Even when you don’t want to. You’ll be ready xxxx

        Liked by 1 person

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