I cant believe im actually saying this ‘outloud’

I cant believe im actually saying this ‘outloud’

When I started this blog, i swore to be honest. And i have been and will continue to be. Todays post is VERY honest and im quite worried about the reception itll recieve but i cant edit ‘me’ or there is no point to this if i do.

Today i had a tough counselling session. I knew in advance it was going to be hard as the plan was to look at pictures of Millie to face the situation head on as i very much avoid talking about her, or Milo, whilst in counselling. I ended up taking Milo’s baby book as well as the one purchased for Millie so my counsellor could look and to be honest i thought, ‘in for a penny, in for a pound.’

Before going to the session, i had a chat with bestie L, and between us we worked out that i feel a lot of shame regarding the babies, but not in the way youd think, im not ashamed i lost them, im ashamed OF them. 

The revelations countinued. Firstly, i cant look at the prints without physically backing away from them. Luckily my counsellor realised i was struggling and took them off me, but used them as props to get me talking.

I dont feel anything positive towards the babies, no love or pride or, well anything. 

What i do feel, is negative.

Im ashamed of my children, when i look at the photos, i see a dead baby. Thats it. And its not nice to look at all. Ive always said i dont show people the pictures in case they are afraid, but the truth is im afraid of them, afraid and ashamed.

I dont want them as part of my timeline, as part of my history. I want to erase them, completley, from my life. In honesty the photos repulse me a bit. 

I cannot see hubby or I in the baby in the photos, i just see a dead baby. And its horrid and shameful and nasty but its now i feel.

I am a monster.  Its not right for me to feel this way but ive finally admitted the truth to myself and it is how i feel.

I went overboard about baby loss awareness through guilt, i wanted to say and do the ‘right’ thing, to hide what i was actually feeling, which was nothing.

I dont miss them. I dont love them. I cant look at them. Im not proud of them. I just wish none of it had happened. 

I was honest with my counsellor about this and she told me not think of myself as a monster, but to realise that im only human and its OK not to be proud, they didnt do anything. Its OK to not miss them, as what is there to miss? i didnt know them, they didnt develop personalities, but its not OK to think of myself as a Monster.

I do though, im ashamed to admit all this, ashamed i cant be the doting mother, ashamed i feel nothing, well nothing good, about the kids. But at least im being honest with myself. Finally.

Having said that, im now drowning in guilt. Its hard to admit this to myself, that my own children scare, and repulse me a little, thatd i prefer it if they didnt exist, but i have to be honest to move forward.

I could bin all the photo prints, baby books and whatever else, but i know that in time, ill, hopefully, feel very differently. It may take a decade before i look at them again, but there will be a time im grateful for them.

How can any mother say this?! My children should be gorgeous to me, lets face it all parents love their children and see the best in them, even if others dont find them all that cute*, so why cant i think of my babies like that? Maybe because i dont feel like a mother?? Or maybe because im seeing them for what they are, small, dead, purple babies. 

Theres nothing to coo over, nothing to say ahhh about. They look horrendous, because they are, they are dead and they look it. And i hate that. I want a pink baby, normal sized, and healthy. Ill never put Millie and Milo on display because i cant bear to see them and admit that they are mine.

I do however, like looking at my bump pictures. Looking at them makes me smile and remember how amazing i felt being pregnant. I was very aware of the little miracles i was carrying, very grateful to be able to do what women do and give life. Except i dont do i? I give death. But i enjoy being pregnant. Its such a hard thing to reconcile, enjoying being pregnant but being ashamed by the end result. What really sucks  is now, i dont look forward to pregnancy, i dont think ill ever feel the same as i have before…is that really what sucks? Given what im admitting to here? Hmmm.

I hate myself for even thinking like this, im terrified people will look at me differently after reading this, to the point where i dont want to publish, but i will, just in case this helps someone else , one day, some day, maybe. 

Love, a very ashamed Little Miss PMA xxx

*Minty.

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34 thoughts on “I cant believe im actually saying this ‘outloud’

  1. You are certainly NOT a monster! Grief affects each of us differently and no one should feel ashamed for the way they are coping with severe trauma. I know all too well that we have to be true to our own experiences and feelings. I actually think that your ability to be honest here, honest with yourself, will start leading you to the beginning of healing. I don’t see you as a monster at all; just a woman who went through hell and is dealing the best she can. No one can fault you for how you are reacting to such loss and if someone does – screw ’em! Until they have walked in your shoes, they don’t know what the hell they are talking about. HUGS to you my dear! My heart is with you!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so so much!! Youve pretty much said word for word what my hubby did!
      Its been very hard but im with you, this could be the start of something positive and the start of the healing.
      Thanks so much for the lovely words, very much appreciated xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my gosh, friend, you are not a monster! Not even close. These feelings sound completely, 100% normal. I’m glad you’re being honest. That takes a lot of strength. I know it’s hard right now, but please try to be gentle with yourself. I agree with everything your counselor said. You are human. Sending love and kindness your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t think you are a monster at all! You have been through hell and back, and I think being honest about your feelings no matter how ugly you think they are is a step on your way to healing and feeling whole! I commend your honesty and wish you all the best in your healing journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You don’t have anything to be ashamed about. You are feeling feelings that are true to you. We all feel grief and heartache differently and noone can say it its right or wrong. Thank you for being so honest with your feeling and sharing them with us. I hope that you are on your way to closure and sending lots of love.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Toni, I so applaud your honesty and you most certainly are not a monster. The grief and pain would be making you feel like this and as you work through it (and like you say it may take years) you will probably feel differently. I have had early losses (nothing compared to your experience so pls know I am not comparing) and often feel bad that I don’t feel for the the way I see other people talk about their losses. And I think that is what the problem is – that as humans we tend to compare ourselves to the way others respond and if we aren’t as emotional as the most emotional person we have come across then we feel bad and really, that is just silly. I suspect that one day when you do have a beautiful little pink baby to hold in your arms you will look back at those photos and feel something different. Time + experience does amazing things. You are doing a great job xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much.
      I do hope in the future i do look back on their pics fondly, i know not to get rid.
      And yes i do compare myself to others, a lot. I try to be like them but i just dont feel it and didnt want to admit to myself!
      Thank you again xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. You are not a monster. You are brave. You have gone through something terrible and you are making the decision to face your feelings head on and express them for what they are. We all think/say/do things we are not proud of…but your transparency not only adds to your own healing process, it makes the rest of us feel less monsterly about some of our own thoughts. Be encouraged hun, you’re taking steps in the right direction.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. You’re v courageous to publish this – and I’m certain it WILL help others, who no doubt feel very similarly.
    Nothing you’ve said shocks me at all – I am positive I would feel the same if this happened to me. I’m no expert but I wonder if a lot of these feelings are down to the unbelievable anger you must be feeling – towards milo and Millie as well as towards life in general? They denied you the chance to love them as you wanted to, to do all the things you’d been hoping to do. It’s impossible to feel love and pride when you’re that angry with someone – and it’s very normal to feel angry at loved ones who’ve died (and so much more difficult and complicated when you never even got to meet them). Maybe when/if this anger eventually subsides a little, you may be able to at last feel some other feelings that have been there all along? Or maybe it is simply too damned painful to feel love and pride for babies who’ve already been taken from you. Whatever the reason, you’re not a bad person, just a very intelligent, self-aware woman who’s trying to make sense of the most hellish scenario. Thinking of you and sending much love xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello. Thank you. Youre the second person to mention i may be angry but havent acknowledged it so im going to work on that in my next session i think.
      I probably SHOULD be angry, hell its part of the grieving process!
      Im hoping this step will lead to many more.
      Thank you again, youve really given me food for thought ☺

      Like

  8. I don’t comment much on here but i felt I had to say – you are never ever ever a monster, I really feel that so strongly. You’ve been through something so unimaginable tough and I completely understand your reaction. Amazing you’ve been able to reach this point and discover this, as hard as it is, it’s good to confront. I cannot look at scan pictures of my angel and I physically react when I come across the pictures by accident, so much of what you says ring true. Stay strong lovely lady, sending you every good wish. xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thank you for sharing something that many woman must feel after going through a loss(es), but are either too timid to share or don’t want to acknowledge it. Given what you went through, you are entitled to feel however you feel, without apologies. You are very brave for expressing yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. If the same thing happened to me, I would probably feel the same way but without the guilt, because there’s nothing to feel guilty about! You want healthy babies–that’s normal! You don’t want dead babies–who does?? Kudos to you for having the courage to post. Guilt and shame are horrible emotions to deal with.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Toni, firstly I want to stay how incredibly brave you are to post this. I realise how hard it must be. But I’m Also so proud that you did. It’s not an easy admission but it’s the truth. And hopefully realising this will help you. I could never imagine what you have been through but I do believe everyone deals with things differently. I too would probably mentally shut it all down too. As surely that’s easier than the truth?? So please don’t feel you are a monster. You are human and unable to control your feelings. They are what they are, and you are you. Really hope these sessions are helping in the long term Lots of love as always xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you lovely lady.
      Its very hard to not feel like a monster but i will work on it. I think counselling is helping now more than ever which is great as id like to be much further forward before we try again. Hopefully this is the 1st step. Lots of love xx

      Like

  12. It broke my heart to read this. The fact that you think that you are a monster after everything you have been through is devastating and so not true at all. You went through a terrible, horrible experience. Not just once, but twice. I’m certain that trauma like that is not easy to ‘get over’ and any feelings you are experiencing are normal and okay! You are so clearly not a monster and fate has dealt you with a really tough set of cards. Grief is a really hard thing to deal with and I think you are doing the best you can. And that’s all anyone can ask of you.
    I know it’s not even remotely in the same ball park, and I’m not in any way comparing your situation to mine, but I recently had a baby and developed post partum depression. I felt like I legitimately didn’t love my baby for the longest time. Now, over 4 months down the road, now that things are finally feeling better and the depression has lifted, I know I love her. I think sometimes depression/grief can be such strong emotions that it sort of clouds everything else and blocks out other emotions in order to get you through. One thing my psychologist was very insistent on was trying to clear the feelings of guilt. It’s hard, because when you have emotions that you think you shouldn’t have, guilt is the natural reaction. For me, I eventually learned that the guilt was doing me no good. I couldn’t help these emotions, and the fact I got depression was in no way my fault- or a consequence of anything I did. So eventually, once I accepted it, the guilt slowly eased. Which is when my other feelings started to surface. Feelings like love. I’m sure in time you will see that you do in fact have positive feelings towards your babies.

    Also, one of my very close friends lost her baby at 26 weeks just over a year ago now. She still struggles with it now, but she told me that she was having the same struggles as you are having now. She confided to me that she would actually to go as far to say that she was disgusted by her baby. Her baby had died while she was pregnant about a week before she gave birth, so her baby came out mostly black/grey. She has shown me the photos, and at the time, I could see the things she couldn’t. I could see that her baby had her nose and her boyfriends ears. All she saw was a dead, ugly baby. It’s only recently that she can look at the photos and see the same thing I did.
    You’ll get there lovely. I’m so sorry. I can’t even compare what happened to you, but you’re going to get through it 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Chantelle, that was lovely and so appreciated.
      Im most definitley struggling with guilt and my therapist is concerned about it too…she doesnt like that i see myself as a monster.
      Im really glad you got some help with the PND and thank you for sharing your friends story, it does help to know there is hope xx

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I echo what others have said. You are most certainly not a monster. I think I get what you feel about your children. It reminds me a little of how my partner never wanted to see images of the babies we lost (and I’ve never looked at them since losing them and certainly never made books of them though I often thought and still think of them – but never felt monstrous about it) and how he wouldn’t come in when our old dog was dying after surgeries and a return of her cancer – he didn’t want to remember her that way. We all digest our grief and loss differently. I hope you will feel less guilt and shame in time. Thank you for sharing your truth.

    Like

  14. hun

    you are a monster, far from it. I know what its like to see a photo of your child and not feel anything. I have one photo of my two babies together, my daughter who is alive and my son who was not, twins who should both be pink but instead one is grey and wrinkled because he passed away 6 weeks before they were born.

    please dont think that how you are felling is bad or wrong, its not, its part of the grieving process and its completely normal. I think of my son lots but maybe because he has a twin so everyday there is the comparison.Yet I dont feel the same overwhelming love for him but how can I, he is gone and never got to be a person just like your beautiful babies didnt,

    My daughers photos are all over the house, my sons on a high shelf where you have to crane your neck to see them and its becasue its not an image i want in my head everyday, There is no joy in the photos only a reminder of what is lost and what could and should have been

    sending love and hugs (you do deserve them even if you feel you dont)

    xx

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I’m so glad that your counselor told you it was not ok to think of yourself as a monster, because she’s right. You are justified in feeling whatever you feel; good, bad and ugly. No one should say you should feel a certain way because we all grieve differently. So glad you are being honest about how you feel, just also remember to be gentle with yourself. Lots of love!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. It absolutely broke my heart reading this… Having to go through everything you have and then feeling this way about it… Life is so shitty and cruel at times.
    You are certainly not a monster, not in any way, and I hope your counselling continues to help you face your demons so you can start to see just what a wonderful, wonderful person you are.
    Xxxxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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