I am so glad to see the back of 2015. The last couple of years have been beyond hard and i really hoped the new year would leave me with a sense of closure and renewed hope.

It hasnt.

Instead, i find myself at the bottom of a very long, very steep hill. In 5 months we will once again TRY to get pregnant. I mean i will, Team Miracle are very good and i have no doubt they will succeed, but then we have the very long road of being pregnant to face. And it wont even be over this year as ill still be pregnant (all being well) this time next year. If we do lose around the same time as normal, itll be near hubby’s birthday and i really dont want that. The thought of being pregnant again, does fill with me dread still at this point. There are so many what if’s to consider…

  • What IF it doesnt work? Very unlikely
  • What if i miscarry before 12 weeks? 1 in 4 do there is nothing i can do about it
  • What if the same infection that killed Millie, kills the next one? At this point it would be clear i couldnt carry my own children and we would have to face the fact that we wont be biological parents
  • What if we suffer another late loss? How will we cope, will i finally snap, will it finally break US?
  • Will i manage another pregnancy? Its going to be tough, no denying that, BUT i will find a way to manage, hook or by crook.

Seems pretty black and white when i put it in writing but there are so many emotions swirling around my head.

People often remind me ive got Australia to look forward to, and i am, heaps. But lets call a spade a spade, its a very expensive distraction from what is to come. Speaking of Australia, ive had our visas approved today, very efficient service i must say. Just need a new wardrobe now as ive nothing to wear in the daytime at the moment. Back to what i was saying….its a great distraction, one i need and want. Ill get to see my bestie for the first time since October and i need some of her positivity to rub off on me. But, right now, all i can think is, when we get back, we need to start prepping for IVF.

Tests need to be completed in March. Need to get back on the aspirin and pre conception vitamins. Need to cut caffiene 😥😥 again. Cutting alcohol wont be an issue, i barely drink, but im so into my coffee again now, ill really miss it!! I need to decide if im having the hidden infections testing and whether hubby goes on the sperm improvement protocol. I need to arrange pre testing in March so Dr F can work out the best protocol to go on.

Im worried i do still have the infection that killed Millie, but as it cant be cultured, there is no way to know. Should i do a course of antibiotics before treatment, just in case? Would that even work? 

Ive had a persistent cough that im ignoring as i simply cannot take any more bad news, i know you are meant to see a GP 3 weeks after a cough starts, mine started in October with a chest infection and im blaming the fact that i smoke for it sticking around.

I need to quit smoking!

Ive started with the hot sweats at night again, not a major issue, but odd and uncomfortable. Im having fairly bizzare dreans, when/if i do sleep. Last night i had a bus reversing down a narrow passage at the back of my house, eyebrows that looked like caterpillars (was very surprised they were neat when i woke up), people turning into robots, paint samples turning into people….its all very odd, but goes to show my brain just wont settle.

I need to discuss my antidepressants as these ones are not suitable for pregnancy and i dont think between now and then i can stop them totally. We do have March to get through afterall. Another thing to dread. Even though there will be NO babyloss in March, there is still the anniversaries to get through, and i know from experience, ill relive the day. Yuk. 

If/when we get pregnant, theres an awful lot of things to organise in way of our care plan. Ill be well supported by the bereavement team i know but the NHS and timescales do pose a worry. Or im finding things to worry over…sounds about right.

So its back to work tomorrow, at least thatll help pass the time to Australia, but thats also a bad thing, as May will be here in no time. Ive enjoyed my 10 days off, we have slept an awful lot, but im hardly surprised as we have been mentally exhausted. 

Anyway just wanted to get some worries down.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


9 thoughts on “Deflated

  1. Stubbornness is good – it can pull you through when positivity & everthing else lets you down!
    Just wanted to say I would definitely do the hidden infections test and take the ABs – penny may even give you ABs to take in early pregnancy (as I did both times). Of course, there’s nothing to say it’ll make any difference but it may bring a little peace of mind and I always thought it was the ‘path of least regret’ as they say – and that can count for a lot when anxiety and ‘what ifs’ are going to be rearing their heads.
    Sending much love and handfuls of baby dust xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you.
      Weve done the hidden infections before just before my 1st BFP but as im on the pill atm i have VERY short periods with little fresh to sample (oh the things we do) so im in a quandry lol


  2. Yeah, I remember you did them before Toni. No harm in repeating, I reckon. Mine were v short and light (delightful discussion, I know) when I did my sample – you only need a few drops so it should be okay. Oh the joys of the fertility journey – people have no idea, do they? X


  3. You have SO much going on right now so cut yourself some slack chickster. I’ve ditched both coffee and cigs in the past so I know how hard that little battle can be. Wishing you continued strength to get through it all which I can see that you have. You continue to amaze me!

    Liked by 1 person

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