Well I’ve not been around much as my head has been up my bum!!! Theres so much to say but i don’t even know where to start.
Ok, so we had an office move. I knew i was going to struggle, id hoped it’d take place whilst i was off sick after losing Millie, but of course, the best laid plans and all that.
So anyway, we had to crate up one office and unpack it all in another office. Although well organised, i found it extremely difficult. Im not one for chaos at the best of times, but seeing so many crates to unpack, left me overwhelmed. Packing wasn’t too bad as there was mostly more than one of us around. But unpacking, basically 1 person per day unpacked. When you don’t have your colleagues to talk to, its hard, as you make decisions, the group may disagree upon. But i tried. I was a hot sweaty mess, completely unaware of how insane i seemed to the people about at the time.
My anxiety peaked at 10 out of 10 and frankly hasn’t come down since. Its exhausting. I cant even calm down at home, I’m just constantly anxious, about nothing and everything, my brain is going 100 miles an hour. I get no respite.
Due to the move, the anxiety it caused, plus unknown factors, i had a really bad week with my neuro condition (previously SPS, currently undiagnosed, investigating MS). Every night for 6 nights straight i was up until after 3am in agony. On the fourth day, i called in sick, i was exhausted and in agony. Imagine doing a work out at the gym, but doing too much, feeling that muscle burn and pulling back. Well, my episodes are like that, except i cant pull back, my muscle overstretch, bleed, and still carry on, despite taking my meds. Its indescribable.
Im currently having really interesting discussions with besties sister, J. She is studying law and is currently on mental health law. Its so very interesting to see that the general perception is still so so wrong. The stigma attached to mental health is still very negative. We both get quite irate when discussing this issue, not with each other, but that the general perception is wrong and oh so negative. Im enjoying these chats as i learn something new every time and i can even sometimes help J with her understanding, although shes much cleverer than me!!
Isolating myself…its something I’ve noticed I’m doing since about xmas time. I don’t know why it started but its snowballed and i don’t really socialise outside of work now, not even texting. I discussed this in counselling today and i think I’m experiencing sensory overload of a fashion. My anxiety is taking it out of me, no two ways about it. Im mentally and physically exhausted, and because nothing has changed for me in the last 6 weeks, I’m still sad, still anxious, still depressed, I’m not sure i have anything of interest to say. I do worry that my social circle will decrease, but as the counsellor pointed out, those that aren’t there when I’m back to myself, weren’t worth it in the 1st place. Luckily, M has been amazing, I’ve neglected her loads, but she still checks in weekly, just to remind me she is there. Its lovely and just what i need. Shes great. And I’m pretty sure many others will still be there, i have some amazing friends. I just have to accept that, right now, this is what i need and to go with it.
We also discussed how i feel that in the next pregnancy i must always be positive. Ive seen what someone being negative does to the people around them. It makes it hard for them to enjoy the pregnancy, they find it quite frustrating even. I mentioned i would try my upmost not to be negative for this reason, and was promptly reminded to stop putting people 1st, that its ok to feel whatever i may feel and the people around me will just have to make do. Im a classic people pleaser, and its detrimental. Im so worried about other people, i put them ahead of myself, every time. I find the idea of putting me first hard to handle, because to me it comes under the ‘selfish’ banner. I really really need to work on it.
Australia is just 9 days away, and my god are we ready for it. Im definitely at the ‘run away’ stage again. My day to day life is too much to handle and i just need to get out, and fast. These last few days will drag, I’m certain of it, but thats only because i NEED it so much. All the prep isn’t helping the anxiety but it must be done and will be worth it.
I spend a lot of my time zoned out these days, often day dreaming, many of which have been pleasant; chilling on a beach in Australia, or meeting the team again in Cyprus, it can sometimes turn into a negative spiral but often just reminds me of more things i need to do and i begin listing in my head, and then i get all worked up. Rinse and repeat.
I have FINALLY started caring about my appearance again, which is a big plus, as for 11 months, nothing could’ve interested me less. Now I’m never going to be a girly girl, but i was really disappointed i couldn’t have my hair done on Saturday and on Sunday, i just had to get my nails done as they were so short and sore (nervous biting) and it finally bothered me. These little changes mean a lot, although i still feel sad, its the start of recovery i hope. I also haven’t managed to have any reflexology lately, and i realise now how much benefit i get from it. I really do relax for that 1 hour every fortnight, its pretty much the only time i do manage to relax at all now.
As for all the IVF stuff, its all bubbling away at the back of my brain, but as I’m not actioning any of it yet, its not worth mentioning.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx