So since i left you last, i was battling anxiety in the extreme, but thought i was winning. I wasnt.
It came to light last Wednesday that my anxiety was too much to deal with and be at work, so after a good chat, a lot of honesty and some well needed home truths, ive been off work since Thursday and wont be going back until after my holiday.
It gives me 4 weeks to get myself to a more stable playing field. At first i was really upset, that after 6 months at work i was having another month off, but the more i think about it, the angrier i become.
How dare anxiety ruin my life like it has! Change me like it has! Who the hell does it think it is????!!!!! I know im going through the grieving process ass backwards but this will not stand. I wont let this affect my life any more. Im in control,not anxiety.
The anger is good, it helps me fight. I dont want to be the person thats doing ‘alright considering’, i just want to be ‘alright’. I will not let this affect my work life or my home life any more. Im stronger than this, im more positive than this and i will beat it, come what may.
The week off came exactly at the right time, i knew i was holding on by my fingertips but the added pressure of preparing for Australia, basically flattened me. Since being away, ive felt calmer, anxiety at maybe an 8 and no full blown attacks. I didnt want to admit how bad it had gotten and im so grateful for the chat and the way things were positioned to me.
Im determined now, to come back fighting. Im not saying ill be 100% by the time i return to work, but i will be stronger. I will be in control amd i will be more patient and pleasant!!!
Im done with this, done with being sad, done with being anxious, done with feeling down. Im not negative, im Little Miss PMA amd I miss her.
When we get back from our holiday, its the countdown to IVF, and you know what? Im feeling good about it. I can actually start doing something, whether it be the greek hidden infections/sperm improvement protocol, or getting the tests required for protocol.
Im looking forward to Cyprus, the lady who owns my villa has made things so easy and the team are so welcoming. Im even pretty confident that this WILL be our time (although im still whispering that bit for now).
For now, im just working on getting me back, but im feeling good about it!!!
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx