Anxiety won!!!

Anxiety won!!!

So since i left you last, i was battling anxiety in the extreme, but thought i was winning. I wasnt.

It came to light last Wednesday that my anxiety was too much to deal with and be at work, so after a good chat, a lot of honesty and some well needed home truths, ive been off work since Thursday and wont be going back until after my holiday.

It gives me 4 weeks to get myself to a more stable playing field. At first i was really upset, that after 6 months at work i was having another month off, but the more i think about it, the angrier i become.

How dare anxiety ruin my life like it has! Change me like it has! Who the hell does it think it is????!!!!! I know im going through the grieving process ass backwards but this will not stand. I wont let this affect my life any more. Im in control,not anxiety.

The anger is good, it helps me fight. I dont want to be the person thats doing ‘alright considering’, i just want to be ‘alright’. I will not let this affect my work life or my home life any more. Im stronger than this, im more positive than this and i will beat it, come what may.

The week off came exactly at the right time, i knew i was holding on by my fingertips but the added pressure of preparing for Australia, basically flattened me. Since being away, ive felt calmer, anxiety at maybe an 8 and no full blown attacks. I didnt want to admit how bad it had gotten and im so grateful for the chat and the way things were positioned to me.

Im determined now, to come back fighting. Im not saying ill be 100% by the time i return to work, but i will be stronger. I will be in control amd i will be more patient and pleasant!!!

Im done with this, done with being sad, done with being anxious, done with feeling down. Im not negative, im Little Miss PMA amd I miss her.

When we get back from our holiday, its the countdown to IVF, and you know what? Im feeling good about it. I can actually start doing something, whether it be the greek hidden infections/sperm improvement protocol, or getting the tests required for protocol.

Im looking forward to Cyprus, the lady who owns my villa has made things so easy and the team are so welcoming. Im even pretty confident that this WILL be our time (although im still whispering that bit for now).

For now, im just working on getting me back, but im feeling good about it!!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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10 thoughts on “Anxiety won!!!

  1. I hope the Aussie trip goes really well and that you love our beautiful country and return feeling refreshed and revitalised and ready for the next stage of your journey. I think it is great that you are taking the extra time you need off. It is so important to take care of no 1.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So glad you’re taking time out – and you sound in great shape in spite of it all. I think (hope) it’s normal to go through grief ass backwards – I lost my dad nearly 2 years ago and now suddenly seem to be having some sort of breakdown – for reasons I don’t fully understand. Anxiety is the absolute pits and I think you’re incredible to stand up to it in the way you do. Onwards and upwards let’s hope xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Im sorry to hear you are struggling. Grief is a very weird process indeed.
      I havent been in great shape and wasnt prepared to admit it but that admission has helped!
      Thinking of you xxxx

      Like

  3. I’m starting to realise that the grief HAS to come out in some shape or form. I thought I’d just dealt with it surprisingly well, but knowing how devastating the loss was (I had been dreading it all my life) I can see that this could not possibly have been the case. It’s just been weirdly suppressed all this time and has now suddenly been triggered.
    I really do feel for you as anxiety is SO debilitating. I keep thinking I’ve got a handle on it, and then the smallest thing can send me into a walking emotional wreck again. Hey ho, hopefully some counselling will help. Xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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