It’s OK

It’s OK

Whilst away I had time to think and come to terms, well admit, some things to myself

I have had mental health issues since I was roughly 16/17 years old. It’s not all the time but I struggle with depression, anxiety and an eating disorder. BUT, it’s OK. I will probably need to have medication on and off throughout my life, but that’s OK. I now recognise when I need the help and am able to effectively help myself as soon as possible.

I don’t feel about my babies the way I think people expect me to feel. BUT, it’s OK. I’m not a monster because I don’t love my babies, or because I don’t miss my babies. I gave birth to shells of people and they had no personality except that which I assigned to them. Milo liked Chocolate Eclairs and Millie liked Toffeepops. I miss the life I was meant to have with them, not the children themselves. It’s OK.

We are now in March, the month I lost both my babies. BUT, it’s OK. Or rather, I am OK. Although I’m very aware of the dates I lost them (13th and 26th) but I don’t think I’m going to have a meltdown over them. I’m not sure we will do much to mark either anniversary if I’m honest. I do feel a bit bad about that as on Milo’s 1st anniversary, we made a big deal. I just don’t feel the urge to do anything this year, but it’s OK!

I’m aware that there are risks WHEN I get pregnant. BUT, it’s OK. Every woman is subject to risks once pregnant and although we have been beyond unlucky TWICE, there is nothing to say that THRID TIME IS THE CHARM. This could be our chance. The month of treatment marks 7 years in total trying to conceive, 7 is a lucky number for some, right???!

I’m also aware, I may well be on a holiday high, but I really do feel much more like myself and that’s OK!!!! It’s so nice to feel positive about the future, to feel like I have the strength to go ahead with another pregnancy, and not only go through it, but be positive too.

I’m ready to face the world again, to spend time with my friends and make effort to see the extended family before May. I’m ready to start the pre IVF regime of no caffeine, no booze, healthier eating and taking so many pills I feel like I rattle!! I’m starting Friday when my next cycle starts – giving myself a cheat week, hehehe.

I’m ready to go back to work and give it my all. I’m excited to be ‘me’ again, not the person everyone is worrying about all the time, but instead the person that people talk to and tell their problems to.

So, as we are back on the IVF train, let me update you

  • I’ve paid the villa in full so that’s flights and accommodation sorted.
  • Today I’ve completed the paper work that needs to be done for the Greek Hidden Infections testing and Sperm Improvement Protocol. I have had the infections testing before, just before I got pregnant with Milo. It involves sending a sample of menstrual blood to Athens where a number of tests are performed. I tested positive for hidden Chlamydia last time, spent 30 days on high strength antibiotics as did Mr Me and 2 months later we did the natural FET and with a thin lining of 5mm, still got pregnant! I definitely think this is worth doing again as it was infection that ended the second pregnancy. The sperm improvement protocol is new to us so will let you know more as I do but it seems its 40 days on high strength antibiotics plus high dose vitamins C and E (which I’ve had Mr Me on since August :))
  • Next cycle will be the pre-tests and scan
  • on CD21 of the cycle before I start jabbing, I’ll have the scratch
  • And then at the end of April – Jabs!
  • Fly out early May
  • Pregnant by end of May!!!!!

It’s actually only 9 weeks on Saturday before we fly out, so quite a lot to do in that time, but the pill means I know all my dates before I even see sight of AF so it allows me to plan!


Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


8 thoughts on “It’s OK

  1. Wow, all so positive toni, fingers crossed for you and tom. We had a spanner thrown in the works with the adoption process. Theyve now decided they want me to have another year cancer free before we can proceed. Its shit but it is what it is and we cant change the decision the social workers have made. So instead we’re planning holidays and having fun and just thinking that special child we get may not have even been born yet. Cassie xx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you toni. All the best for you next round ouf ivf and i really hope this time you get all you have been wishing for xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You sound in such a great place and I am so happy for you that you have been able to get yourself there. It is a testament to you. These things don’t happen without a lot of personal effort. And all those things are ok. They really really are. I am so pleased you are putting that out there as it may be the thing someone else needs on a similar journey. I love this post!

    Liked by 1 person

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