Ive been doing a lot of thinking in the last couple of weeks.
I pretty sure im at the end of my IVF journey. Cycle 9 will be our last cycle. I feel quite good about this.
Because i cant keep going, 5 years and 9 cycles is a hell of a lot, before we even bring in the losses. Its a lot.
Im sick of losing, sick of feeling left out, sick of been the one it doesnt work for, sick of hoping, sick of the platitudes. Im just sick of it.
We will go ahead with cycle 9 as id regret it if i didnt, but if it fails, thats us done. No more.
We have done A LOT of talking and its time for a change. We are beginning to talk about adoption and it feels good. We’ve been through the advantages
- No scary pregnancy to contend with
- We will be parents at the end of it
- Greatly reduces the chances of asthma, and Mr Me’s blood condition
- We give a child in need a forever home
- We can stop throwing money at a dream and start saving for a future with a child
- Once in the process, we will always be moving forward not stop starting
There are some negatives;
- Ill never carry my own child
- We wont get the newborn experience
However, as there will be a 6 month period after IVF before we start the application for Adoption and i can deal with those negatives in those 6 months. I still get a pang when i see a pregnant belly and thats something ill need to grieve before going into adoption. But i can do that.
Its taken 7 years but im at my limit. Mr Me is at his limit. Weve wasted so much time, energy and money on this journey. Ok, not wasted, but its enough now.
Im telling people i just want a little person to love, so why does it have to come out of me? It doesnt. Itd be amazing dont get me wrong, but its no longer a NEED. What i do NEED is to be a parent.
I had to go through all we have, to reach this point. I cant say the losses were great, they were horrid, but they have made me who i am now. For that im grateful.
Im finding myself more and more down about IVF and thats a signal its time to end this. I find it hard now more than exciting/positive.
Having said that, cycle 9 is booked. We fly 31st August. Ill give it my all, i always do, but the pressure wont be as great because we have a new plan.
In different news, L comes back to the UK for a spell this week! So excited! Im even buying a dress…i dont do dresses, shows how much ive missed her and how excited i am to go out with her and J!
Ive also got a night out with M planned! Weve never been able to get a bit drunk together, what with pregnancy and IVF, so itll be a really fun evening. Exciting times!
Mr Me and I had an amazing weekend. Had a lazy Saturday and then went out for tea and yesterday we had cocktails in the sun
Im not a big drinker (evidenced by my passing out/napping for 3hrs yesterday) but with L coming home, i had to practice! Itll be all good next weekend as i wont pour my own measures (we had drinks in the garden after getting home)!
So there we have it, change is afoot, and that feels good.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx