The end…?

The end…?

Ive been doing a lot of thinking in the last couple of weeks. 

I pretty sure im at the end of my IVF journey. Cycle 9 will be our last cycle. I feel quite good about this. 

Why? 

Because i cant keep going, 5 years and 9 cycles is a hell of a lot, before we even bring in the losses. Its a lot.

Im sick of losing, sick of feeling left out, sick of been the one it doesnt work for, sick of hoping, sick of the platitudes. Im just sick of it.

We will go ahead with cycle 9 as id regret it if i didnt, but if it fails, thats us done. No more.

We have done A LOT of talking and its time for a change. We are beginning to talk about adoption and it feels good. We’ve been through the advantages

  • No scary pregnancy to contend with
  • We will be parents at the end of it
  • Greatly reduces the chances of asthma, and Mr Me’s blood condition
  • We give a child in need a forever home
  • We can stop throwing money at a dream and start saving for a future with a child
  • Once in the process, we will always be moving forward not stop starting

There are some negatives;

  • Ill never carry my own child
  • We wont get the newborn experience

However, as there will be a 6 month period after IVF before we start the application for Adoption and i can deal with those negatives in those 6 months. I still get a pang when i see a pregnant belly and thats something ill need to grieve before going into adoption. But i can do that.

Its taken 7 years but im at my limit. Mr Me is at his limit. Weve wasted so much time, energy and money on this journey. Ok, not wasted, but its enough now.

Im telling people i just want a little person to love, so why does it have to come out of me? It doesnt. Itd be amazing dont get me wrong, but its no longer a NEED. What i do NEED is to be a parent.

I had to go through all we have, to reach this point. I cant say the losses were great, they were horrid, but they have made me who i am now. For that im grateful.

Im finding myself more and more down about IVF and thats a signal its time to end this. I find it hard now more than exciting/positive.

Having said that, cycle 9 is booked. We fly 31st August. Ill give it my all, i always do, but the pressure wont be as great because we have a new plan. 

In different news, L comes back to the UK for a spell this week! So excited! Im even buying a dress…i dont do dresses, shows how much ive missed her and how excited i am to go out with her and J! 

Ive also got a night out with M planned! Weve never been able to get a bit drunk together, what with pregnancy and IVF, so itll be a really fun evening. Exciting times! 

Mr Me and I had an amazing weekend. Had a lazy Saturday and then went out for tea and yesterday we had cocktails in the sun

Im not a big drinker (evidenced by my passing out/napping for 3hrs yesterday) but with L coming home, i had to practice! Itll be all good next weekend as i wont pour my own measures (we had drinks in the garden after getting home)! 

So there we have it, change is afoot, and that feels good.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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19 thoughts on “The end…?

  1. Do you think the failures are related to you carrying or the embryos? ?
    Sorry for asking but would you not try embryo adoption as one last attempt if your next one fails.
    But your next one WON’T FAIL. PMA

    Helen. X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Its not clear at this point but from hcg results id say they arrested fairly quickly but this could be due to anything. I have been pg twice before so im hopeful cycle 9 will be the one.
      But, if its not, i cant face anymore ivf, the meds, the stress, the emotional roller coaster, i just cant do anymore.
      Roll on September and fingers crossed x

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  2. I think that is all totally fair enough. You have invested so much of yourself in this process for so long. It is hard to “live” when it feels like you are treading water. You are amazing X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks ever so much. Ive had enough of ivf being my life. Ive got enough in me for one more shot! And i truly hope its positive but im also glad i know which way is forward xx

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  3. Hi there, firstly so glad you’ve had a few cocktails and are enjoying a bit of ‘you’ time with good people around you. It’s also great to hear about your decision re: adoption. I remember looking into it and I just couldn’t ever decide if it was right for us or not. I often wonder now what we would have chosen if it had come down to adoption or remaining childless (like you, I couldn’t have faced more IVF with donor eggs/sperm/embryos). I honestly don’t know, but I hope with all my heart that we would have adopted because I know now how important parenthood is to us both and all the precious things we’d have missed otherwise. Yes, the pregnancy, birth and newborn stages are a loss & I’d never pretend otherwise, but they are not the best bits – for me those best bits have come much further on, when you realise you & your little person enjoy each other’s company, and not because you’re forced together as ‘family’. I remember I looked into overseas adoption in the hope that we could adopt a younger baby – but not sure if that’s something you’d want to look into? Anyway, obviously I hope that September brings you your thb at last and I think there’s a v good chance it will – but I know how we girls need to have a plan and hopefully this’ll take the pressure off over the next couple of months. Lots of love xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I need to find out much more which ill do in sept if needs be. However adoption was always on the cards but for a sibling. It may just happen sooner than planned and thats ok xx

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  4. I’m glad you are feeling better about things. There is a girl on my fertility group who decided the same and has just gotten pregnant after many many cycles. But she would have been o.k. with it being her last one and moving on as well. I hope that happens of course but if not I’m glad you can see beyond the trees. My husband and I are taking a break right now and just forgetting about it for a couple of months. Feels good to get some space after over a year of back to back treatments. Wishing you all the luck in the world for whatever path you end up on. XXX

    Liked by 1 person

  5. IVF is an incredibly difficult road to journey down. I know exactly how you feel – we went through 2 rounds of traditional IVF before deciding on donor eggs. This was the most difficult decision of my life and one that my husband found particularly hard to make. It was, much like the traditional route, traumatic and ultimately fruitless. After that it took 2 years for me to get to where you are now – the end and any form of acceptance. It took lots of tears, screams, why me’s?, why us?, counselling and more, but I did get there.
    And once I was there a miracle happened and I conceived at 41. Whether cycle 9 works (everything crossed) or you go for adoption, you’ll still be the amazing mum you always wanted to be. Never give up x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awww thank you. Its taken 7 years but here we are, ive reached my limit and its time to focus our energies else where. I truly hope cycle 9 is the one but its good to know theres an end in sight x

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  6. This post really resonated with me. I remember when we were in a similar situation, knowing that I was reaching my end of trying. And knowing that we also still wanted to be parents. But, it was critical for us to find the best doctor, get real medical advice and try that one last time, to know that we did everything we could. Not because we cared about genetics, but because we didn’t want regrets one day. Clearly for us, it didn’t work. But, once we closed that door, we knew adoption was the right option for us and we also had no hesitations.
    Also, I still get pangs when I see a pregnant belly, even after adopting. Not because I want to be pregnant myself, but now it’s because I realize just how hard it will be for us to have a second child.
    Anyways, whatever happens and whatever you decide, I’m sending my love and cheering you on from afar. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lovely to hear from you, i was hoping i would.
      Its good to know that the pangs will remain albeit the reason changing, its something i can prepare for.
      I never knew i had a limit, until now and i think its probably the case for most long term TTC but i get what you mean about needing to do that last cycle for your own peace of mind, thats why cycle 9 is still going ahead. Who knows what will happen but now i feel like i have options whereas i didn’t before
      Much love to you n the fam x

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  7. There definitely comes a time when you have to say no more. It sounds like you have a good attitude going in to this last cycle and maybe knowing it will be your last will also help you get through it better now that you also have your adoption plans in the background. Of course I’ll be hoping that this next IVF will work for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Everyone is saying itll work niw as ive started looking at other options…which would be wonderful but its also great to know the pressure is off if it does fail again. I just feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel now x

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  8. Wishing you nothing but the best in whichever way your journey continues! You have been through the ringer to say the very least, and no one deserves a break as much as you. You will be an amazing mum.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I think that it’s good that you know when you’ve had enough. You have been through so much. The adoption process isn’t easy (at least in the US), but in a totally different way then fertility treatments. Praying you won’t need to find out though and that cycle 9 will be the jackpot!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Today we found out that cycle 5 has failed as a result of our embryo failing to defrost. We started our journey five years ago and our previous four cycles had resulted in two miscarriages and two failed attempts. Initially we thought that our infertility was a result of endometriosis but as it turns out there are many additional issues to boot. I feel that we are coming to the end of our IVF journey and I am incredibly lucky to have a supportive and loving husband to move forwards with although I feel heartbroken at this moment in time. I truly believe that IVF is a blessing to many people and medical advances are occurring all of the time. Good luck with your final cycle

    Liked by 1 person

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