The last couple of weeks have been a mad scramble to decide how much we want to throw at this cycle. We wanted to go all in, but financial constraints meant we couldnt (we’ve spent approx £15k so far) and it was bothering me as i knew id wonder ‘what if’.
So we asked my mother in law for help, and she has come through, like she always does, so we can now go all in.
We are doing another fresh cycle, whereby my eggs will be collected and fertilised with Mr Me’s sperm. We also have 3 frosties too but it remains to be seen if we will use these.
We have also swapped my stimulation meds from menopur to gonal-f (see previous post).
So with my MIL’s help we can now do embryoscope (time lapse imaging and software to determine best embryos), blastgen (the culture the embryos are grown in) and PGD.
PGD stands for pre genetic diagnosis and involves removing the nucleus of a cell on day 3 of embryo development and testing it for chromosomal abnormalities. This ensures only healthy embryos are transferred and that way ill know thats not the reason they fail (if they do)
Its the only thing we havent tried yet and as its my last go, well it has to be done really so i know i tried everything.
Despite all of the above, im still not hopeful, i just dont think my body is capable of another pregnancy. Perhaps because the infection that killed Millie is still lingering? I have done everything in power to ensure this isnt the case, but given they couldnt culture or identify the infection, its quite hard to know if its still floating about in me. Only time will tell!
Although im happy to move onto adoption if/when this cycle fails, it does mean coming to terms with NEVER having a biological child. Never seeing Mr Me in the face of a live baby, not having a mini us running round. And thats hard. Really hard. I thought i was just going through the motions with cycle 9 but it turns out, i really want OUR baby
This feeling is enhanced by our decision to adopt, obviously, but its more than that. I want to create life, i want that life to be half me and half Mr Me, i want to do what others do so easily, and quite frankly i feel like we deserve it. We’ve put in the time and effort, been through the loss, grieved and still come back fighting. So cant we just have a bit of good luck?
However, if we do get pregnant it throws up 40 weeks of terror, if we get that far. Mr Me has been honest and said he wont be able to relax or feel positive the whole way through it. And who can blame him? I cant say itll be all sunshine and rainbows for me either. But its me that needs to do this.
I still have bump envy, despite everything, i love being pregnant, i feel wonderfully well but i also feel special. I like that feeling. I know it wont be easy but oh god if it works itd just be amazing.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx