Emotional Shut Down

Emotional Shut Down

Well im 5 weeks today. 

Since the initial burst of relief and excitement last Saturday when i did my early test, ive essentially shut down emotionally.

Its weird but im struggling to come to terms with the fact im pregnant. I mean im acting pregnant, i.e. doing all the right things, watching what i eat, keeping my fluids up but i just havent accepted im pregnant.

Im not happy or excited but equally im not worried or scared, which i guess is a blessing in disguise.

One one of the groups i admin there was talk of Feotal Reduction and someone likened it to Abortion. That struck a chord, my heart was racing. I still hate that word, it gets to me.

This morning i was quite sad when i got up but id had a bad night with horrid vivid dreams, one of my only symptoms so far, so that combined with the A word last night probably accounts for my mood.

I have asked other TFMR/baby loss mummys if they felt this ‘numbness’ when getting pregnant again, and it does seem a fair few do and they believe its a way to protect themselves from further pain. It does make sense. 

Its hard though as everyone around me is sooooo excited for us and im just not feeling it. I smile and nod along, its the polite thing to do but im just not feeling it.

At this point i wouldnt say im finding things hard, its just very different to what i expected.

This weekend has been very relaxed, as per Doctor’s orders. I had my flu jab on Saturday, followed by a nap and a lazy afternoon and then dinner at an Italian.

Today i had my eyebrows threaded, followed by a decaff coffee (which tasted odd) and another lazy afternoon and tonight we are going out for chinese.

The progesterone bloat at the end of the day is pretty horrendous and my stomach is black and blue from the clexane, but all in all everything else is fine. Its a bit early for any other symptoms.

Progesterone bloat and Clexane brusies

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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8 thoughts on “Emotional Shut Down

  1. I had that flatness after the positive test for my last (2nd successful, 10th actual) pregnancy although it alternated with HIGH anxiety. When baby was born the flat affect and sense of dread – that something would happen and I would wake up to a dead baby – returned and hung around for a long time. I know now I was suffering PPA but at the time i just felt defective. It took longer to bond (part of which I blame on an emergency cesarean without anyone I knew but my OB in the room) and in part I know it was the PTSD of baby losses past.

    I mention all of this to say you’re not an alien or robot or defective for feeling nothing or numb or whatever it is you do or don’t feel. Our hearts are fragile things even in their tenacious ferocity (because if they weren’t both tenacious and fierce, lovely, you would not be sitting there preggers after IVF cycle I can’t remember how many). Trauma messes with the heart and spirit. Thank goodness so far it hasn’t broken the latter. Hang in there sweets. I’m keeping all kind of stuff crossed on your behalf.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for sharing that. I really appreciate it. I do worry about not bonding with baby, if i ever get that far. Its good to know im not alone though. Ill work on it counselling after the golden week i think. But for now to know its relatively normal is ok

      Liked by 1 person

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