6 weeks 1 day
My symptoms are still only minimal, eating, weight gain (6.25lbs since Cyprus) and vivid dreams.
Last night i had the dream i was hoping i wouldnt have. The one where it all went wrong.
I had gone in for my 12 week scan. It was performed by my bereavement midwife, in a corridor on the feotal medicine unit. She asked how many scans i had had so far. For some reason i answered 5, but then corrected myself and said 1 (the 6+4 scan that im due on Thursday). I was stood up for the scan weirdley. Very quickly she told me baby was poorly and that we needed to terminate. Then i was sent home for 5 days.
During those 5 days i rang up to ask what was wrong with her (baby was a girl) to be told a very complicated name which i couldnt spell so couldnt google. We went back to hospital still none the wiser, and my bereavement nurse said, all cheery like “shall we get started then?”. At this point i broke down as i had no clue what was happening. I was told baby had too much fluid on her brain and that we had to end the pregnancy.
I begged and pleaded for another scan, a second opinion. As i was distraught, they put me in a broom cupboard?! Mr Me went to work. I ranted and raved in my cupboard. Heartbroken and devestated.
Then the broom cupboard was an office and i was at work. A family member of someone we support was there and also had to TFMR (Terminate for Medical Reasons). Shes in her 60’s but i helped deliver her baby, from her leg. The baby lived for some time and for some reason i had to keep hold of her until she passed.
Then i was back in the broom cupboard. I couldnt do it again, i kept telling everyone i couldnt but they didnt care. Mr Me didnt care. I was begging them to let me carry on with the pregnancy, to try and understand what it must be like for me, why i couldnt face it again. They eventually agreed to let a consultant scan me….and thats when i woke up.
I knew it was a dream as i was having it, Mr Me and the bereavement midwife wouldnt have behaved the way they did for a start. Even whilst i was dreaming it i was thinking “oh you are having THE dream”
Despite knowing it was a dream; its still my worst nightmare and i had to go through it. Clearly im more anxious about this pregnancy than my consciencious self is acknowledging. Im glad of the protection my brain is giving me as trying to get through each day feeling like i did in the dream would be hell.
I think thats probably why i had the dream actually, ive not been enjoying the numb state the last couple of days, this dream serves as a reminder as to why i need to be numb right now.
Im glad i dont put too much stock in dreams as this could scare the s**t out of me if i did.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx