31 days…

31 days…

31 days and counting since i started bleeding. 2 massive red bleeds and continual spotting inbetween. Sometimes heavy, sometimes light. But always there. The only time its nearly come to an end is when i had time off work. 

Humph! And certain incompetent healthcare professionals want me to come off my antidepressants!! Yeah 2 late losses and continual bleeding really sounds like the time to come off the only thing keeping me stable.

So 13 weeks and everything appears to be going well. But i still cant get excited. Instead im getting more anxious and scared with each passing day.

The closer we get to 16 weeks the more likely i am to have to give birth to another stillborn. I really cannot see me having a live baby yet. The closer we get to week 21, the more scared i am, silly as that is.

Im anxious that i havent heard back about my risk factor after the 12 week scan, even though i KNOW im low risk. A friend had her scan 2 days after me and had her letter confirming she is low risk at the weekend.

I have to keep telling myself i AM low risk but my anxiety runs away with me. The 1.1mm NT measurement does offer some reassurance but its short lived.

I havent heard from the pre term clinic or rainbow clinic yet. Thats also adding to my anxiety. I want my cervix looked at and stitched. Im aware that until i stop bleeding it may not be possible but id love for someone to measure it and make sure its behaving.

I recently found out they give you a spinal block when doing the stitch. FEAR. I had a lumbar puncture a few years back and couldnt walk for 3 weeks and was in agony as they nicked a nerve.

I naievely thought i could have gas and air whilst they did it but of course im likely to squirm. Im hoping i can ask for sedation or a GA if i explain my fear.

Theres just so much to worry about. I cant plan ahead. I need to get an xmas jumper for one of my (4) xmas meals, with an xmas obsessed friend, but im scared buying one will jinx it.

Id like a couple of new maternity bits but again im afraid itll jinx it. As a side note, maternity tops that are long sleeved seem non existent, they are either short or 3/4 length…do pregnant people not get cold in winter?? I bloody do!! 

I keep looking at my birth board on Babycentre and thats freaking me out too. I know i shouldnt look but occasionally there are some amazing bits of advice. As im due end of the month, some people are 4 weeks ahead of me. They talk of feeling movement, laying down and having a definitive lump where baby is. Obviously, i dont! But i still worry so much about it. Baby is the length of a peapod so of course im not going to feel anything but i worry anyway.

Im STILL struggling with pregnancy announcements, which is bizzare as i AM pregnant. Ive thought long and hard about this and ive come to the conclusion its because i still feel like im the one that wont make it to the end. I wont get my take home baby. Everything so far points to things going well but im terrified to get my hopes up.

Essentially, this pregnancy is much much harder emotionally than i ever thought it could be. Physically its probably the easiest ive ever had but id swap it around in a heartbeat.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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9 thoughts on “31 days…

    1. Haha i feel like im slipping but ive just got to remind myself so far all is ok. The bleeding keeps teasing me and slowing then coming back with a vengeance. But one day at a time as you say x

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  1. I totally understand… I can’t seem to see past January. It’s all blurry. My Drs keep trying to reassure me my chances for miscarriage are so slim now I’m 10 weeks with a heart beat. I’m not scared of miscarriage. I’m scared of Termination. I’m scared of making that impossible choice again. I’m having my NIPT test today.. but I know still that isn’t going to clear HLHS.. so it doesn’t relieve much anxiety but it keeps me distracted I guess. There is something deep down that makes me kinda think this could be the happy ending… and I do think this for you too, more so then myself!

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    1. Awww bless you. Are you having extra heart scans?
      Im scared of late loss or termination. I just cant go through another still birth.
      Id love to be able to get excited but i just cant
      January means my 20 week scan and fetal echo which is just terrifying so day by day it is!!

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  2. I don’t know it is any reassurance to know you aren’t alone in your experience but I stayed terrified right through each of my successful pregnancies thanks to the 8 failed ones. The last one (sadly it will be the last forever) nearly killed me with fear. I wish I could say it gets better after milestones but for me it never did. Stay on the damned meds I say. Hugs and all kinds of luck and love coming your way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It does help to know im not alone in how i feel but it breaks my heart that so many of us feel this way.
      Im not sure ill ever relax either tbh but if i get a live baby itll be worth it. Thanks for sharing xx

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  3. I am rooting for you sooooooo much! You my dear, are one strong woman and no one deserves their take home baby more. I continue to hope for good things for you and only good news at every scan and appointment.

    Liked by 1 person

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