Milestones, please!!

Milestones, please!!

Been quite a week. Anxiety is getting the better of me, big time.

So on Wednesday, i had a few cramps. Probably just stretching cramps but i FREAKED out. By early afternoon i couldnt take anymore and went to EPU. 

After triage, the gynae used the doppler to find baby, all fine. I had another internal, and 3 swabs. My cervix is so posterior (at the back), she couldnt see it so sent me for a cervical scan. 

Music to my ears as im so worried about my cervix giving out on me. She was ready to book me a stitch should i need it.

Scan revealed baby was fine, cervix was long and shut…all good news!! Also found out my placenta is posterior, again, at the back, so ill actually feel baby this time. It was at the front with Millie so i struggled to feel movement except by my cervix! 

The sonographer noted that my placenta may be bleeding slightly which could explain the 30+ day bleed. After the scan the gynae said everything looked good, that baby was perfectly happy despite the possible bleeding placenta and there was no need for a stitch. She did advise me to chase up the pre term clinic though.

Happy Days and touch wood, ive not bled since Saturday.

So that was all very reassuring, for about 24hrs.

Since then ive convinced myself i have an infection, and that will lead to the baby dying. Im waiting on the results of the triple swab to confirm or deny this but in the mean time my imagination is in overdrive.

My tummy is a bit senstive to the touch, so i worry that means something is wrong too, but i do poke my tummy so its possible ive caused that.

If i hold my pee, i worry thatll lead to infection so i do my upmost to pee ASAP.

When my bladder is full i feel a pressure pushing against my waistband. Its most likely the baby, but i panic to begin with.

When i lie flat, i dont see a bump/lump that could be baby, that worries me. The baby is probably at the back of my uterus however, but i worry.

People on the birth boards are saying they felt movement at my gestation. I havent, so i worry. Even though i KNOW that those other people are most likely feeling wind or their bowels, as baby is only the size of a lemon. I worry.

I need to buy an xmas jumper and ive seen one i like that mentions the baby. Im shit scared to buy it in case it jinxes things. Its my homework though so ill buy it on payday and just get it done. Im also buying an xmas dress, this does not fill me with fear though as there is no mention of bump, even though its a maternity dress. Weird. 

The bleeding stopping has made me worry that the placenta isnt working properly and/or baby has died. Its more likely that my placenta has moved away from my cervix.

Basically, the numb feeling has gone. Its been replaced by anxiety and worry. Its because as of 12 weeks, baby became a person. A person i want to meet very much. I just cant believe ill be lucky enough to get a take home baby. I really cant. Not yet anyway.

What i need is consistent reassurance. By that i mean regular appointments. As it stands i have my 16 week midwife appointment, 20 week anomaly and fetal heart scan appointment and a mental health appointment booked (which is after week 21 so i may not even be pregnant then). No appointment with pre term clinic or rainbow clinic, my midwife and counsellor are now both chasing them up as i hate to mither.

I was told id have an appointment with pre term at 15 weeks, which is NEXT week. Rainbow is meant to start at 17 weeks. Im hoping for bi weekly appointments after that as i dont think i can go longer than that without going out of my mind with negative spiralling, panic and worry.

Ill be increasing my counselling to weekly for a while after xmas too just to manage the fear of the impending 21st week. 

My other homework is to write down my anxities when they become too much, which does tend to help usually, so fingers crossed.

Im now in the 2nd trimester finally and as of this morning have gained over a stone and a half in weight. Im going to be very roly poly come xmas.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


3 thoughts on “Milestones, please!!

  1. I have felt such a fraud following your story and never leaving a comment but I don’t really do any social media so whilst I always want to offer you reassurance I always chicken out, sorry. I have followed your story since 2014 and have been rooting for you, your hubbie and babies ever since. I open your posts, holding my breath as i just pray for good news for you. So this time I am going to share a bit of reassurance that might fill your anxious mind for a nano second before the anxiety comes back (been there and done that!) Basically I know how awful the anxiety is that you are going through and how all consuming it is. People tend to be very supportive after your baby dies but at a loss to understand how very very difficult it is to be pregnant and the worry of staying pregnant after then.

    I lost my beautiful Reuben at 21 weeks due to a placental abruption, then after Reuben I had a miscarriage, like you this was all after IVF. I then got pregnant again and held my breath, lost my mind, obsessively washed my hands and had no sleep for 38 weeks! I bleed due to a sub chronic haematoma, had a range of health scares with baby and placental worries. I practically lived in epau and then maternity triage, it was exhausting. I never ever thought it would happen but my baby was born alive!! …..and she is upstairs now asleep in her cot, a big fat 10 month busy baby girl. I wanted to share my story to tell you that what you are feeling is absolutely normal, i know how terrifying it is and if you ever want reassurance i would happily pm you.

    You are being the best Mum ever by fighting for every bit of extra support / survelliance and you are looking after baby by looking after yourself. I used to have scans every 2 weeks as like you couldn’t manage the anxiety any longer (i did a mixture of private and nhs ). After 21 weeks I did feel slightly calmer and more after 24 weeks.

    You probably don’t know it but there are loads of people cheerleading for you and all your babies. If there is anything I can help you on this difficult journey I will.

    Sorry if I have done any faux paus by posting this comment I just wanted you to know you are not alone, I think you are doing absolutely brillantly (keeping going and seeing the postives amongst all the pain) & I am willing you on.

    Lots of love
    Me and my babies

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You can do this. You have such a great team around you for support. It is just a one day at a time thing right now. We are all here too, cheering you in. All those anxieties are so normal after what you’ve been through. It’s ok. You CAN do this.

    Liked by 1 person

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