Going out of my mind

Firstly, some positives. This weekend Mr Me and I went away for our anniversary. We booked a really lovely hotel and had a great time just the 2 of us, chatting and eating lovely food and resting. The hotel was so nice that id like to go back when/if  im further along for a ‘babymoon’ and will remember to book the spa and afternoon tea in advance next time! 

Ok, the not so good. I woke up at 5am on Sunday morning pretty much paralysed with fear about the pregnancy. This is happening most mornings now but Sunday was by far the worst its been. Mr Me had to hold onto me as i was so upset. i did eventually fall back to sleep but then spent most of the day in bed as all this worrying is wearing me out.

On Saturday morning after worrying about my lack of appointments i emailed PALS (Patient Advice and Liasion Service). I went through my concerns but also praised my bereavement midwife (who is currently my midwife) and my counsellor for all their support.

I woke up to a voicemail from my midwife today in response to the email to PALS as i copied her in. She reassured me i hadnt been forgotten but went on to say the rainbow clinic wont see me until AFTER my anomaly scan. Ill be 20 weeks and 6 days when i have that, im 15+1 today. So another 6 weeks before my baby and placenta is checked. WTF?? She went on to say the pre term clinic are looking at my referral today, theyve had it 4 weeks, and ill hear later this afternoon when they want to see me.

This has sent me into a tailspin. Mr Me is coming home early to sit with me as im going out of my mind. Its like no one at these clinics gets how tough pregnancy aftet losses are!!!!! i just spend everyday worrying and thinking the worst and apparently thats ok and im not worth dealing with until after the big scan at almost 21 weeks. Baby isnt moving yet so no reasaurance there, EPU only do doppler scans after 13 weeks so no reassurance there. It appears I have no clinical need to be seen. I lost Millie with no warning and thought that would be need enough to be honest. We cant rule out that i dont still have the infection that killed Millie so surely i should be monitored? 

I also got a letter last Thursday to say i have another UTI, again no symptoms but showing up when cultured. Surely this is another reason i need to be monitored?? Im calling my gp in a bit to make sure my prescription is done.

My heads all over the place. Im not coping well.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


3 thoughts on “Going out of my mind

  1. gosh I’m sorry. I would think that your pregnancy should be considered high risk and that they should be checking you every 1-2 weeks. Would it help a little to buy one of those doppler things so you could listen to baby’s heartbeat whenever you are feeling worried? I’m sorry that your doctors aren’t being more helpful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The thing with a doppler is it tells me baby has a hb but Milo did with half a heart and Millie did but still died so its not reassuring really. I just need to know my placenta and cervix are healthy on a regular basis. Hopefully something will come of my email to PALS and i wont have to wait til 20+6 for another scan!


  2. Oh you poor thing. I would feel exactly the same way! It sucks that these services set up to help you aren’t actually stepping up and paying attention to your individual circumstances. I know it would be expensive but for the sake of your sanity could you book a weekly private scan until the services kick in? I’m just trying to think of an option where you can shorten time frames a bit. I have heard the private scans are super thorough too especially if you highlight your reasons for wanting them. I know when you have public funded health it shouldn’t be necessary to do this which is frustrating but if it works for you then yay. Sending hugs and thinking of you xx

    Liked by 1 person

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